The Christmas Music has Begun!

Over the last few days, I have actually started listening to Christmas music on a regular basis.  I will get to the reason for this change later.   Like all music, particular Christmas songs instantly bring back memories of times gone past.  Growing up in my household, it would not be uncommon to hear my dad singing Christmas songs, slightly out of tune, in the middle of a 90 degree day in July.  Once the holidays did roll around, all of neighbors, and probably most of Auburn, could hear my mother blasting Bon Jovi's "Please Come Home for Christmas".  I still cannot listen to that song without having to turn my radio up to full volume.  "White Christmas" instantly brings back memories of sitting with my parents and watching Holiday Inn and White Christmas.   These are still movies I watch, but now I'm sitting alone since I just can't quite convince Sean that these are quality Christmas movies.  Some songs bring more recent memories.   As much as I hate normal versions of "12 Days of Christmas", one will instantly bring me to laughter at the thoughts of Sean singing and dancing in the car with the song on repeat.   If you have a moment, check out Straight No Chaser's version of the song.  Definitely worth a listen.

This year songs that I have loved for years have a different meaning.   I do have to say I was quite shocked when tears came to my eyes as "All I want for Christmas is You" came on the radio.  No, it was not because it was the new Justin Beber version, which is an abomination in itself.  It was because for the first time in a while the words held some real meaning for me.  There is one thing that I want for Christmas, and it isn't the something sparkly that I will settle for from Sean; it is something that no one can give me.  It is the child that has been kept out of my grip from over two years.   The idea of another childless Christmas and the rather large possibility that next year may be similar easily brought me to tears.  It didn't help that the very next song was another of my favorites that suddenly had a much deeper meaning to me, "Blue Christmas".   In and of itself, this song is a sad song.  It is a Christmas song for all the rest of us, the ones who are lacking all the necessary pieces for a purely happy and celebratory holiday.  The people longing for family members who are either far away, not yet found or not yet born.  This year it seems to speak to me more than ever before.   "Decorations of red on a green Christmas tree/won't be the same dear, if you're not here with me".  Another Christmas without our completed family just doesn't feel complete or right.

With all this said, I do have a little hope to get us through the holidays.  No I don't plan on stealing a child in time to celebrate Christmas (though that is tempting at times).  We have been approved to start our next IVF this cycle.   It was definitely in limbo because of the holidays and the need with IVF to have blood draws and such occur on specific days.  If the hospital isn't open the day I needed the blood work, then the cycle would've been pushed off another month.  Luck was on my side this time; I need to get blood drawn on the 31st and the clinic is doing testing that day!  If everything goes well, I will be able to start my lupron injections on January 1st.  Worst case scenario, I would start one day later that week.  Either way a new year will equal a new chance and hopefully our last chance.  As much as I don't want to be too optimistic just to have my hopes slaughtered again, I am fairly confident that this change will work.  We are doing a new protocol, even though this includes about 5 weeks of daily shots, 10 if I get pregnant, about 2 of those include daily shots in the butt, and about 6 different side effect causing drugs. We have added assisted hatching, which helps the embryos break out of their shells and implant better.  We are going to one of the best women's clinics in the state.   It is with this hope that we approach the holiday and are attempting to take as much joy as we can, and when we can't take any more, there is always alcohol, which I'm allowed to drink until Jan. 1.  Here we go again!

It's the most wonderful time of the year

Isn't it?  That is what most people think, but for those dealing with loses, it is often the most difficult time of the year.   This year makes the third, yup third, Christmas season that we will not be getting the one thing we want more than anything else.  Yes, the Christmas season is a time to celebrate with family, and I'm beyond lucky to have such a good family, but even in the happiest of times, I feel as though something is missing.    This year it is something that I'm having a hard time getting past.  

Usually by this time, I have been listening to Christmas music 24/7 for at least two weeks.  The house is entirely decorated and I'm twitching with excitement to get our tree.   This year, the only time I listen to a Christmas song is when it comes on my Pandora and I'm too far away (or lazy) to skip it.   Our house is decorated, but it was done only in an attempt to try pull myself out of the dumps.  We are supposed to get our tree tomorrow and I really could do without it this year.   I really could do without all of it this year.  If I had my wish, the decorations would still be in storage and we would be heading out of town for the holidays.  However, this holiday isn't about me.  It is about my family, especially Sean.   He asked me to do a normal Christmas and that is what I'm going to do, whether it kills me or not. 

There is one saving grace, an early Christmas present you may say.   Our IVF got approved so we are ready to move forward.   It is questionable whether we will be able to start with this coming cycle or not.  The clinic has decided that its doctors and nurses need time off for the holidays and are closing a number of days around Christmas and New Years.    One nurse said it would definitely be possible which would give me a late January ER and ET, but my nurse says it will not be.   We will know in the next week or so, but if it can be done I will be pushed for it to be done.  Most likely we will have to start with the January cycle.  At least there is light at the end of the tunnel.  I may not be able to get my Christmas miracle, but maybe I will be able to get a Valentine's miracle.  Please? Pretty pleas?

Another Thanksgiving & Black Friday tears

My mother, my nana and I (and until she moved away my best friend Suzy) have a tradition that has occurred as long as I can remember: Black Friday shopping.  Now we are not those crazy people who line up at Best Buy by 6 on Thursday night (Sean and I drive by just to point and laugh at you) or even those that are up at 2 AM to get the sales.  We normally head on out around 10, do some shopping, grab some lunch, and finish up shopping.  It is a great day to spend together as three generations.  Two years ago, I spent much of the day shopping holding back tears.   Sean had thought it would be funny to tell me that he wasn't ready for kids, only about a month after we began trying.   I didn't know it was a joke until I got home from shopping (holding back tears for most of the day and letting them fall in dressing rooms, that doesn't count right?) and totally broke down.   Sean looked at me and said he was joking; he thought it was funny.  I mustn't have gotten the memo, because I didn't find it funny at all.   Last Black Friday the tears were still close, but I could keep them at bay because we had completed most of our IF testing and were waiting to start our first IUI cycle.   This of course meant that by next Black Friday our trip would have to be cut even shorter than usual for one of two reasons: I was shopping with a baby a few months old or I was very pregnant and would have gained too much weight to walk too much.  Well here we are 12 months later and I have gained a bit of weight, about 15 pounds to be exact, but there is no baby in sight.  We are once again back in the testing stage.   As much as I would like to think this Friday will be tearfree, I know the truth.   I may be able to hold out the tears long enough that my nana doesn't know I'm upset, but I know I won't keep them totally at bay and I know that I won't be able to hide my sadness from my mother.  Hopefully this is my last year feeling this way, but I honestly cannot think that this is an absolute.   We will be lucky if we can get an ER and ET in January, and I'm sorry but I am not super convinced this will work.   I wonder if I will be facing another year of Black Friday shopping with no baby in sight.   How would I handle that?  Where would my head be?

Of course, Black Friday shopping means Thanksgiving has passed.  As you can see I tried to ignore that fact completely.  We have decided to celebrate with my family, who are all very supportive, but that doesn't mean this is going to be easy.  It is one more holiday that I get to see my cousins' children enjoy knowing that mine should enjoying.   It is one more time that I have to sit and watch the Macy's parade alone.   I will have to share my excitement with my mother over the phone after every Broadway performance.  I can easily think of all the things that I'm not thankful for: our infertility, our insurance that just won't let us more forward, our last three lifetime chances to have children, the lack of support we get from some friends and family members, and most importantly, our lack of children to share all this with.  

With all these things in consideration, I have more things to be thankful for thank I can count.   Other than our infertility, Sean and I and our family are fairly healthy.   I'm lucky enough to be 28 and still have all four of grandparents living.  How many people can say that?   I'm thankful for my family and friends who are supportive.  I'm sure no one really wants to hear about Sean's urology appointment or my latest meeting with the dildo camera, but everyone listens and supports without judging.  I'm thankful for having insurance, even though it aggravates me.  We have paid less than $600 total for our first 3 IVF cycles.  If we were paying out of pocket, this would have cost us upwards of $120,000.  We would never had been able to take the chances. 

Most importantly I'm thankful for my husband.  He is one of the most supportive men that I know.  I frequently hear that husbands are leery about doing any testing for IF, but mine is willing to do whatever I ask him, though I do need to bribe him at times.   He finds way to make me laugh and smile when I'm crying and totally distraught.  He even ignores all the times that I have sat on the couch crying at something on television (really, Hallmark is it your goal in life to make me sob daily?).   Going though IVF is such a stressful process, that I know I wouldn't make it through one day if I didn't have his support.    

I said this last year and I know I will probably be saying it next year as well:  "I'm thankful that this is going to be the last Thanksgiving that we are childless."

Stuck in a holding pattern

Last time I wrote we were awaiting insurance approval.  Tufts was very prompt and denied us a few days later.  They requested that Sean does some more testing and I redo my day 3 testing because we have been doing this so long my original testing had expired.  To say I was frustrated is an understatement.  However, after thinking about it, I realized that this wasn't a tragedy.  Much of the testing the insurance has requested for Sean is testing that I had been asking for for months from our previous clinic.   Hopefully it will give us some more answers.

All this testing is pushing back our next IVF.   I have some testing that needs to be done this week or next; Sean has a doctor's appointment the week after Thanksgiving, so it will be mid-December before we get approval.  Then we have to do an IVF class and then we can begin our cycle.  I'm hoping that we can do the IVF class late in this upcoming cycle or early in the next, and then we can start near the end of the December cycle, which would put us for a January ER.  Worse case is starting in January with a February ER.  Both those months seem so far away, but really what can you do except keep busy.  That is exactly what I'm trying to do.  We spent most of weekend emptying our basement, so that we can remodel it and make a great family space.  It is amazing how much stuff we have collected in just a few years.  I spent much of the time looking through old photos and dance medals.  It was a great trip down memory lane.

On a slightly different note, last weekend Sean and I went to the RESOLVE of NE conference to get some information on adoption.   A few good things came out of that weekend.   1) We were by far the youngest in the adoption seminars.   Most people were in their mid- to late 30s and have done at least 5 IVF cycles.   I have begun thinking that maybe I could handle more than one more if necessary.  2) My blog entry (Infertility is...) won the blog contest!   We had just finished eating lunch and the head of the organization was giving some volunteer awards and then the blog award.  All of a sudden she starting reading my blog.  I was shocked!   Sean actually was out of the room and missed it.    Not only will my entry be published on their website and in the winter newsletter, but I also won a Circle + Bloom IVF/IUI mind and body program (I really wanted one for my next cycle) and an IVF companion planner.   Sean now is convinced that I should write a book about our experience.  Who knows maybe that is how I will pass the next few months?

How to handle infertile couples

I found this on another blog.  It is a fantastic explanation of how to comfort and support infertile couples.  I recommend you all take a moment to read it.  It is well written.
Here's What Infertile Couples Want

Infertility is...

In this week's  Resolve of New England member email, I noticed a blog contest.  The title "Infertility is..." reminded me so much of an assignment I asked my students to complete that I had to write about it.   During our poetry study, I ask the students to write abstract to concrete poems.  They need to take an abstract concept like happiness, friendship or confusion and create a poem using concrete examples of these ideas.   Well I'm not going to write a poem, because I care way too much for all you to make you read it, but I do want to write on the idea.  I have to say that this comparison came from a friend on an infertility board, but since she brought it up, I cannot picture infertility any other way.

Infertility is...winter.  It may come on slow, a few flakes on an October day, or it may hit you all as once, a nor'easter that follows a day of warmth.  No matter how it starts, winter quickly begins to drag.  The long nights and cold short days often make it incredibly difficult to stay positive.  It isn't long before you begin wondering if you will ever get to feel the warm sun on your body again.  However, deep in your heart, you know that spring will come, followed by summer.  The problem is you truly know when the cold and snow will be gone.   Will Mr. Groundhog give you relief and make spring come early, or will he enjoy the torture and run and hide, keeping winter longer. 

Sean and I were lucky in that we were able to hold out hope for many months that our winter would never come.  There were snowflakes of warning here and there, but we both hoped we could bypass that darkness.  But as every New Englander knows, you cannot avoid the cold and snow.  It will come and there is nothing you can do about it.   When we started testing and treatment, it was all new and slightly exciting.  Every treatment gave me hope that this would be an enjoyable and quick process, but even snow days get old after a while.  At this point, we are in depths of winters.  The snow is burying us.  The roads are icy.   The nights are long and cold.   No amount of warmth can take the chill fully out.  All that being said, I still hold out hope that the end of our winter is out there; I just don't know exactly how we will find it.  Hopefully we can wait out this winter right where we are, but if we need to make a change and move we will do it.  There will be an end to our winter, but exactly where we will be when it ends, I do not know.   We are waiting for insurance approval for another (most likely our last) IVF which can hopefully occur, or at least begin, before the end of the year.   We are also signed up to go to an infertility & adoption conference in about a week to get all the information we might need on adoption.   At this point in time, I am really unsure about how our journey will end, but it will end and our summer will begin.

I want to leave you all with my new favorite quote.  I carry it around in my wallet with me; I repeat it at least once a day.  It truly keeps me going.  I hope you can find inspiration from it as well.
"The moment you think about giving up, think of the reason why you held on for so long."

This post is part of the Infertility Is Blog Contest sponsored by RESOLVE of New England. You can find links to all of the submissions online at their website. For more information about RESOLVE of New England, like them on Facebook or follow them on Twitter.

A change has been made

On Monday, Sean and I traveled to Gillete to get our second opinion.   We left feeling incredibly confident in this new doctor.   She had some of the same adjustments that our RE recommending, including assisted hatching.  However, she had some bigger changes, including a new IVF protocol (Lupron) and a new progesterone (probably progesterone in oil).   Yes both of these changes mean more shots, but they were the changes in protocol that I have been begging for.  She also wants me to have another ultrasound to take a look at my uterus.  When I first went in to make sure my tubes were open, they noticed a slight abnormal shape in my uterus, which they then said was fine with a regular ultrasound.  She says that it is very difficult to tell irregularites from a regular ultrasound and recommends a saline ultrasound (fill your uterus with saline and then ultrasound), which I have also been asking for.   The only other change she would make is changing our diagnosis to mild male factor, something else I was confident about.

Overall I have to say meeting went well.  We had wanted to celebrate with a great meal at Gillete, but we were both still full from breakfast which we had eaten on the way down.  Instead we did a bit of shopping and then headed home.  During the ride home, we spent a lot of time talking about what to do next.  We both agreed that we wanted to go to with her, even if our current RE agreed to everything she recommended.  Let's be honest he has had six cycles to get it right and hasn't come close.  Would any of you give you doctor that many changes if you were seriously sick?  I don't think so.   I called Brigham & Women's the next day and made an appointment for Monday the 22nd.  Hopefully this can start out all necessary testing, so we can get started in a month or so.

You would think this would give me so much more confidence, but it doesn't.  Each day I wake up less confident that we will be able to have a child.   It really sucks that one thing that we both want so much is the one thing we can't have.  I try to put on a good act, but I spend so much of my time alone upset and in tears.  I am sure it doesn't help that this time of the year is so very hard for any infertile.   Almost any store I go into, I am bombarded by Halloween decorations and candy.  It is one more year that I will not be able to bring my child around.   Then after Halloween it all goes downhill.  Thanksgiving and then Christmas.  For Thanksgiving, we are trying to figure out which family will be the easiest to be with.  Which will make the fewer comments?  Which will be less child-centric?   Christmas is even worse.   Sean and I are truely considering leaving for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day and really just pretend the days don't exist.  I don't know if this will truely be easier, but it definitely will be one less holiday where we wake up to only our cats.   Ahh I don't even want to think about it.

One week and then we can get started hopefully on the right path.

Happy Belated Birthday to Me!

I turned the lovely age of 28 yesterday.   It wouldn't have been so painful if it wasn't for the early birthday present I received on Monday, yet another failed IVF.  I spent most of my birthday alternating between being very angry and being very depressed.   Just when I think I was holding it together something would happen to set me off.  I felt like I was safe putting in grades when I get an email from my mother.  The first thought that pops into my mind was "Will I ever get to send my own child a birthday email?"  As crazy as it sounds, I spent the next five minutes with my head on my desk sobbing.   I was similarily sidelined at team meeting by the innocent suggestion to "thank my parents so we could have an excuse to have sweets."  It seems like nothing but it took everything I had to hold back tears. 

The highlight of the day?  I got to see my RE and once again ask what went wrong.   Thankfully my mother came with me to support me since Sean had to work.   We both decided to say nothing until the RE has said his piece and then we can jump on him for another failed cycle and how I want to get a second opinion.   Well we never had to speak up at all.   He started with explaining what he thinks is going wrong.   1) Our embryos do not do well in the lab setting, so doing 5 day transfers are not helpful. 2) He believes our embryos have stronger than normal shells and therefore they cannot break out and become blastocysts.   He recommended going back to a 3 day transfer, but use a process called assisted hatching.   During this process the embryologist takes a small laser to cut holes in the shell of the embryo to help it hatch easier.  Amazingly this doesn't affect the embryo at all.  In conjunction with this, he wants to add some antibiotics and a drug call medrol to help reduce infection and swelling before transfer.  His third and final recommendation was for me to get a second opinion!  I don't think my mother or I expected this.   He says that it is important for me to talk with another doctor and to see if they have any suggestions that he may not.   He did request that Sean and I come back after to discuss with him before making our final decision about IVF #4.  

This morning I booked a consult with the head of IVF at Brigham and Women's.   We were lucky enough to get in this coming Monday because of a cancelation.   I am very interested in seeing what this new RE says, especially my current RE says she is one of the best there.  I am hoping she sees onr or two things differently that could help make us successful.  Afterwards we need to decide where to go.  I think it will depend on a few things.   How we feel about her and what suggestions she makes.  What types of testing B&W does during IVF cycles.  How frequent and successful each clinic is with assisting hatching.

Overall, my birthday ended better than it started (with a couple glasses of wine, sushi and dinner with my parents).  I just hope this is last birthday that I celebrate childless.  It was hard last year; it was harder this year; I can't even imagine what it would be like next year.

Longest Week EVER!!!

It is amazing that 9 days can actually feel as long as they have and I still have about 28 left of waiting.  Even though my positivity about this cycle goes down by the day and after yesterday and today I am almost positive I will see another BFN, it seems like it has taken years to get to this point.  By tomorrow afternoon, Sean and I will know definitely whether this cycle worked or not.  By the following afternoon, I will've meet with our RE to see if he has any further ideas for us before we begin our search for second opinions. 

I have been doing my best to keep my mind away from thoughts of this cycle and babies.  It isn't as easy as you think; just when I think I am safe WHAP something pops up.   I spent much of my free time last week immersed in the life of a post WWII nurse who finds herself transported to 18th century Scotland.  There were battles, witchcraft, imprisonment, and of course romance.  The best part of the story?  The woman was barren!   It was great to see her pain as she faced another month without a child or as she told her new 18th century husband that she couldn't give him children.  This might be callous of me, but it was a welcome change to most stories out there....until the end.  I will give you one guess what happened during the last few paragraphs of the story.  That is right!   She miraculously became pregnant by her 18th century husband.   Do you think that could work for me?  Do you think Sean would mind if I traveled back in time and found myself an 18th century Scot?   I would certainly come back to him with said child.   It's fun to be inside my head, isn't it?

Yesterday, I was able to lose myself in the bright lights of Times Square in the memories that come flooding back everytime I step into the city.   The nights spent at a now gone bar on 48th and 8th.   The dinners at various restaurants up and down 8th Ave midtown.   The earlier days spent walking through Times Square with hoards of dancers and dance moms (I swear they are not all as crazy as shown on TV).   Time spent riding the elevators up and down in Marquee.  Classes taken in the ballrooms.  Warm-ups on the rug.  But as much as I try, baby thoughts always find a way to creep in.  Will I ever get to share this place and these memories with my child?  Will I ever get to make new memories taking my daughter to dance class or to the theare?  I knew it had gotten bad when I walked by a window full of Yankees apparel including a few onsies and I thought, "Wow, if I knew I could have a child, I would put my child in it right away." 

As hard as I try, babies, or lack thereof, are always on my mind.   I just can't wait until tomorrow comes and I start thinking about whether or not I want to go through this again.  With every BFN, the part that says "I'm done" grows larger and larger.   As much as I want a family, maybe a biological one is just not in the cards for us.  Maybe we are meant to give a better life to some not even concieved yet child.   Maybe it is time to start down this path.

Cycle continues to be not horrible, but not great

When I started the cycle I was so very positive.  There is nothing wrong, so this has to work.   Well it seems like everything just doesn't want go my way.  After talking with the clinic and saying that I really wanted to try a 5 day transfer, my RE looked at the embryos and agreed to it "against protocol".  Yup that's what the record said.  I wonder if that is code "patient is a b*tch, let's just appease her.".  All of this would be well in good, if our embryos cooperated, but they didn't. 

By day 5, the embryos should have developed into the blastocyst stage.  None of mine had made it.  Three were morulas and the rest were still embryos.  This can't be a good sign.  The doctor assured us that this isn't a bad thing; it simply could mean that the embryos were slow growing.  As much as I tried to convince myself of this, I couldn't get past that our embryos aren't where they should be.   This is one of our last chances (we both agreed to do this only one more time) and once again things are going our way.  I spent the next thirty minutes sobbing through my $75 acupuncture session and some of the way home.   Once I got home, I jumped online to get some information about morulas.  Some places say it is possible for these embryos to grow and be successful pregnancies, but not as much as regularly developing embryos.  Some places say that the chances are incredibly small.  They point to a problem during ICSI or with egg or sperm quality.  This once again leads me to believe something is wrong and the clinic just isn't looking for it.

I am holding out hope and putting on a strong face for all those around me, but in my heart I am sure it won't work.  I have already begun thinking about how we could possibly pay for adoption, which is something we will be starting if this cycle fails.  I hope I am wrong and don't spend my birthday in tears.  I just wish this could be easier for us.  What did we do to deserve it?

There is a silver lining right?

I am getting really sick of dealing with IF when it seems that no matter how hard we try we keep hitting road blocks.  Though I know our road blocks are not as giant as others, they still suck.

I had my egg retreval yesterday.   The numbers weren't quite as high as I would've liked.   They were able to get 15 eggs out of the 20 follicles.  This is definitely not horrible, but I wish it was higher.  Because of low sperm count, the lab had to preform ICSI again (inserting sperm directly into egg).  This should have about an 80% fertilization rate with "normal" sperm and eggs.   Well I found out today only 9 out of the 15 eggs fertilized, or about 60% (how about those math skills?).   I don't know if it is protocol or lack of confidence, but the clinic scheduled me for a three day transfer on Thursday.   In order to not do this, I need 6 growing embryos.   I'm totally petrified that this won't happen.  If it doesn't, the clinic better be ready for a fight.

There is no way that I am going in and doing a 3dt again.  It didn't work the first time, so I'm not doing it again.  I don't care if only one embryo survives to Saturday, that is going to be transfer day.   By doing a 3dt,  I feel like we are all just going through the motions to get to  negative result (the day before my birthday).  I refuse to do that again, and I don't really care what the clinic has to say about it.  

This is our last IVF with this clinic and our third (out of 6) chance, and I absolutely refuse to just throw it away.  With such low numbers, something has to be wrong quality wise, even if the doctor doesn't believ it.

All I can hope is that the 9 embies that we have continue to grow strong.   If they don't, the clinic better prepare to deal with stubborn hormonal me.

Have Ice Pack, Will Travel

This cycle I think that my meds have put more mileage than any set of uncorrected essays.   My first IVF really got me used to sticky myself with needles safely in my own kitchen; this cycle taught me the "fun" of doing it on the go.  In the week of taking injections, four out of the seven nights I had to take them somewhere else than my own home.  Thankfully I have great little thermal lunch bag and kept the ice packs the drugs came in.  The most regular of the places was at my parents' house.  This was also a great opportunity to show my mother what I went through every night and to creep out my father a bit.  Second to this was taking my injections in a friend's bathroom during my book club meeting.   I even had a great supporter (her dog) sitting outside the door and cheering (or whining) me on.

What was the best place you ask?  That would have to be the faculty bathroom at my school during Curriculum night.   Do you know how difficult it is to focus making sure you are mixing the injection correctly when you can hear parents laughing and talking as they are walking by outside.   I really think I checked the lock fifteen times in the ten minutes I was in there.  All I needed was to have a parent walk in while I had my dress hiked up and I was sticking myself with a needle.  Can you imagine the stories that would fly through the town?   Even though none of the parents knew what was going on, I did get quite a few strange looks as I walked through the hall and into the bathroom with my lunch bag.   Priceless!

Thankfully all of this trouble paid off.  As of yesterday, I had 20 measureable follicles, 10 on each side.   The smallest are around 11 and the largest is around 21.  Even though I didn't take any more stimmulating injections, they will continue to grow until I ovulate some time tomorrow morning.   That is right!  Tomorrow is the egg retrieval.  I had to take my trigger shot last night at 11 pm.   Tomorrow we have to be in Waltham for 10 am.   I am excited to be able to sleep in, but I wish it was earlier.  Sean will have to leave not long after "doing his part" and will probably not be able to see me out of surgery.   Thankfully my wonderful mother has agreed to take me home and stay with me since I can't be alone for 24 hours due to the anesthesia.  

Last time we got 12 eggs, so I am hoping all 20 follicles I now have produce mature eggs.   If we have at least 6 embryos as of day two (Wednesday) we are going to try for a 5 day transfer instead of the 3 we did last time. There is contradicting research, but many doctors believe that allowing the embryos to grow to blastocysts (5 days) prior to transfer inproves chances of implantation.  I am hoping this, along with the slower growing time and my exercising a couple days a week, is all that we need to have a successful cycle.

First week of school + Hormones = interesting

I started stimulating for my next IVF this past Friday.  It surprised me how quickly I was having side effects from it.   By the middle of the day on Saturday, I was crying hysterical at the fact that Beyonce was on the MTV VMA's and she is pregnant.   The total irrational part of my brain just couldn't understand how someone who has everything else can also have this?   Sean really thought I lost it.   Come Sunday, I was crying over dinner, because the family a few tables behind us had a small baby that the father(?) just had to hold up and right in my view.  He knew how much pain it was causing me. 

Now think of these examples and add in the first week of school.   I am surprised I made it through today without really crying.  Though I did tear up when I went into the doctor's this morning and they were running late and I was missing my only prep of the day.  This week should really be interesting.   A normal back to school week involves a bit of stress, last minute planning and open house.  Adding all these hormones to it scares me a bit.   Fingers crossed that I make it through the week without really crying in front of any students or parents.  

As I mentioned earlier I went into my RE's office this morning for a follicle check.   I didn't get exact numbers, because I wanted to get out of there and get work.  However the nurse said I had quite a few follicles on both sides ("A great start to a cycle") and one or two about 10 mm to 11 mm on each side.  The RE wants them at least 17 or 18mm before triggering for ovulation.   Because they look so great, I get rewarded with another shot.  Yup that means I have two shots for the next two nights.  I go back in on Thursday.   I am hoping ER will be on Saturday and we get lots of eggs.  RE said if we have at least 6 embryos 2 days after ER then we can do a five day transfer, which has slightly better results.  I will take all thoughts and prayers available.

Back to School

I have spent today mentally planning for the first day of school, for about the 18th time.   You would think after all those years the routine would change or the anxiety would less, right?  NOPE.   My loving mother still goes back to school shopping with me.   I get excited about a little new purchase; some years it is a new bag, some years a new notebook, some years a new lunch bag; this year is a salad container that will actually fit a decent sized salad which of course will make me bring a salad daily to lunch and therefore I will lose all the weight I have put on the last year (15 lbs, but who is counting?).  Right along with the excitement of all that is new for the coming the year comes the anxiety surrounding what has changed.  I remember years of worrying if my friends will still be my friends when the school year starts, if I will have teachers who are nice to me, if I will be able to keep up the good grades that I prided myself on.  

While the reasons have changed, the anxiety is still there.   On the first day our entire district comes together at the high school for a large meeting.  I get anxious just thinking about walking down the driveway and into the cafeteria.   Will I be able to see anyone I know or will I be left standing at the door looking into a room of strangers?  The chances of the latter are rather slim, but just in case, I have made plans to drive in with a friend to help calm this anxiety. 

A new anxiety started last year and has continued to grow this year.   I am totally fearing the "What's new?" question.   For some this is an easy question to handle, but for me, it kills me to say "Nothing's new."   Seeing as though I am blogging about our infertility, it should be no surprise to anyone that I am fairly open about our fertility issues.   As part of a young (and rather fertile) faculty, I have frequently been the recipient of the "you're next" statement or look.   I have been answering "soon" for almost two years now.  The fact that we are struggling probably wouldn't surprise many people.   So when that horrid question comes up, I will be answer "Not much" with a smile in my face while thinking "Not much other than another failed ART cycle and the fact that I am doubting our ability to have our own children".   I am hoping people take this "nothing" at face value and don't try to read into the weight that have put on since we parted in June as anything more than hormones and depression eating. 

Even more anxiety provoking...the first staff meeting "announcements".   As of June, our school was down to one pregnancy.   Now if you know anything about our school, or similar schools, I don't think there has ever been less than two or three pregnancies at a time in many years.  We could definitely fully fund our own daycare with the number of small children belonging to staff.  I am sure there will be at least one announcement and I am not sure how I will handle it.  I hope that I can keep tears at bay until the meeting ends and I can rush to the bathroom.  I would hate to have to excuse myself mid-meeting for a good "I'm back" cry with my bathroom. 

I sure hope with all this anxiety I will be able to sleep, but the chances are greater that I will be seeing the clock hit midnight and have to full-on roll myself out of bed at 6.   Hopefully one of these days back to school becomes a solely exciting event and not one that is fraught with anxiety. 

Like Mother Like Daughter....mostly

As many of you know, my mother and I are very similar. We look alike, we have some very similar gestures, we sound alike, and we often say the same thing (something that sort of freaks Sean out).   There is no question what-so-ever that we are related.   However the older I get, the more I realize that I have quite a bit in common with my father.   While he may not have given me his looks, I did get some of his personality quirks, some I am thankful for and others I am not so happy about.

One that I wish he didn't pass on was his "focus" on finances.  My father is the type of person who has a strict budget and adds weekly expenses every weekend and frequently worries about the bottom line.  As he says every month often ends "in a train wreck".  While I may not be as religious about updating my budget, I definitely feel my blood pressure rise when money becomes tight and we have expenses to pay for.   When our savings drops below the level I want it to be at, I normally can't stop the overreaction that will definitely come.  As much as this is a pain, it is helpful.   Even with the difficult last few years, we have never missed a bill and have still had money to vacation every year of marriage, so I guess it is not so bad after all.

What are the traits that I am thankful for?   His love of Disney and vacation planning.   As much as I don't want to admit it, I spend way too much time on Disney vacation sites.    Since starting IF treatments, I have had some difficulty fully believing that Sean and I will be able to have a biological child; however, this hasn't stopped me from planning future trips for our family.  Like I said before, we will have a family even if it doesn't come the natural way.  Since this child is coming (hopefully from this next IVF cycle I am starting), we might as well begin planning, right?  This is exactly what we did this weekend.

I spent Saturday afternoon sitting with both of my parents on the deck.   It wasn't long until the talk turned to Disney.   Not long after my father brought out the laptop and loaded up with Disney website.   We then spent the next hour or so looking at general prices for a family trip which would include 5 adults (my parents, brother, Sean and I) and two infants (my Dad is convinced we will have twin girls).  We got prices for all sorts of hotels, except for the value since my father would never stay there.   In addition to the plans, we, of course, talked about how to finance this trip.     After a couple hours of talking, the trip was planned.   We will hopefully be spending Christmas break 2013 in Florida. The half we spend on the park will most likely be at the Caribbean Beach Resort, but could be upgraded to one of the folowing:  Animal Kingdom Lodge (Sean's choice), Polynesian (Dad's choice), Contemporary (Stephen's choice since he could talk), Wilderness Lodge (my choice and surprisingly most affordable of the deluxes), or the Grand Floridian (Mom's choice and not so surprisingly the most expensive). 

I guess the future planning speaks volumes about how I feel about all my IF treatments.  Though I may be down, I am not so sure that I am out.   Hopefully this next cycle works and then I would be able to bring an 18 month old child to Disney.  Even if it doesn't work, I still have a feeling that we would be going to Disney with a much younger child.  So I am asking for all your help, please send lots of thoughts and prayers that there will be a reason to have a large Penzone/DiScipio family trip to Disney to celebrate the new members of the Penzone family.

I just can't wait to bring my children to Disney and see their faces as they walk under the train station and down Main Street (skipping and singing "Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah" of course) and seeing this:

History Repeating

Over the last few months, I have felt that I am surrounded by pregnant women and families everywhere I go.   It doesn't matter if it is the mall, the beach, a football game, or even just driving down my street.   Everywhere I look I see baby carriages and pregnant bellies.   It reminds me of another time in my life when I was surrounding by one thing I desperately wanted but couldn't get. 

While I  was in high school, I could definitely be described as a little boy crazy, but I rarely was in a relationship.  I was with the "hockey puck" freshman year and then had a quasi-relationship with a boy senior year, but other than that I spent my time single.   Once I got into college, I started to have more relationships, though they may not have been the best.  Let's see, there was Mr. I hang out at gay clubs but I'm not gay,  Mr. Pathological liar, Mr. Agoraphobic, Mr. I am in love with my ex, and Mr. I don't want to commit.  They sound like winners right?  I was desperately looking for the right man for me and keep failing, which feels a lot like IF if you ask me.  I remember that with every break up or single time, I would be surrounded by happy couples and women with fantastic diamond rings.   I was so ready to have that myself that it hurt to be around those happy couples, whether they were my friends or simply strangers near me.  I remember asking myself "Why can everyone else be happy and I can't?"  This phrase has run through my mind and out of my mouth frequently over the last few years.

How did I eventually connect with the man who was made for me?  Someone had to step in and basically give him to me.  Why should I be surprised that the same has to be done for me to have a child?  As much as we would like it have been able to accomplish this goal quickly and on our own, that wasn't what was planned for us.   We had to go to someone who could help us in the right direction.   To keep with the analogy, I guess all the times we were trying are my relationships with Mr. I hang out at gay clubs but I'm not gay,  Mr. Agoraphobic, and Mr. I don't want to commit.  These were my shot in the dark relationshps.  I knew nothing major could come from them, but they were still fun while they lasted.   Mr. Pathological Liar and Mr. I am still in love with my ex could be the IUIs that we tried.   I had great hope that one of these relationships would turn into something big.  I tried my hardest to make them work, but neither did.  Hopefully our RE can put us together with the perfect embryos that will become out baby.   Hopefully our road to our goal isn't too much longer.  I just don't know when this not so fun piece history will chooose to repeat itself again.

Anniversary

We spent last year dining in a castle and ending the night fireworks.  We spent the year before getting married in an amazing ceremony at one of the most beautiful venues in the world.    I still can't believe how lucky I am to have found such a great and supportive guy.  I always knew Sean was special and strong, but over the last couple years this has become even more clear.    At our wedding,   I never questioned that we would be successful in our goal of beginning a family.   At our first anniversary, we were a little more nervous, but still incredibly confident.   Today?  I can't say I am as confident.  Will we have a family? Yes.   Will it happen soon?  I don't know.   I desperately hope that this upcoming IVF cycle will be the magic cycle, but there is still a part of me that does think is will happen.

While I would never wish this on anyone, I know that this two year stuggle has helped to bring Sean and I closer than ever.   We have had to figure out how to support each other throughout this time of crisis.   It is actually an opportunity that few couples have the ability to experience.   I know that once a child comes into a class, we will be able to use all this to help us make a stronger family. 

Hopefully this is the last anniversary that we are celebrating without children.  Sean and I would gladly give up any date night celebration to be at home with our little prize.  

Infertiles at Sea

About a week ago, Sean and I return from our "getaway" (was supposed to be "babymoon") cruise.   It was definitely helpful, but at times it was anything but relaxing.   For the second time in my life, I was holding back tears as we checked in and got onto the ship.  Unlike last time when a rather cute boy helped to solve all my problems, I knew no one on the cruise would be able to fix these feelings.   As hard as we both tried to focus on each other insead of our lack of children, it did not leave us alone.   Unbeknownst to us, we were on one of the few Norwegian ships that hosted Nickelodeon at Sea.  Yes folks that is right, we were entertained by Spongebob, Patrick, Dora and Diego before almost every show and there were children everywhere.

After a tough first day (and a rather lot of alcohol), we decided to try to stay away from the children as much as possible, but it didn't totally help.   We were able to find the adults only pool.  However, it happened to be about 10 feet from the family pool and they didn't seem to enforce the no child rule.   This was the same experience with the club.  After a certain time (10 pm I believe), it was supposed to be 18+.   With the exception of one night (that involved seeing many men in boxers, wearing heels, lipstick and holding a purse), this rule was not strongly enforced.   During many of the nightly shows, young children would be running up and down the aisles.     On top of this everyone I seemed to talk with somewhere on the ship asked "Did you leave the children at home?"   When I answered we did not have children with as much of a smile as I could, they would then say "Well enjoy it well you can.  Kids are so hard and ruin everything."  Gee thanks!  If you only knew how much I would LOVE to have kids ruin everything, but of course I just smiled and ordered another drink.

With all this being said, we did have fun and it did help us take some time away from everything going on.   We went and spent a day at Sea World, and I learned how much of wimp Sean actually is when it comes to rides.  I had to convince him to go on the water ride Journey to Atlantis, but as much as I tried to convince him, he would only wait in line with me as I went on Manta - one of the best roller coasters I have been on.  You go through the roller coaster basically on your stomach like you were a manta ray. AMAZING!!!  

The next day we went to Norwegian's private island, Great Stirrup Cay.  I think this day would have been better if we did not get totally drenched on the ten minute tender ride to the island.   Since we had to bring towels from our room, we had nothing to dry off with and there was no shade on the island.  This day ended with us going back to the ship after only a couple hours and Sean getting his "first" sunburn (that's what he gets for not putting on any sunscreen and laughing at my lesser sunburn a few days earlier).

The following day we went to Nassau, Bahamas.  We just walked around and did a little shopping.  It was fun, but definitely would've been better if we actually had money to spend.  The amount of jewelry stores there were crazy.   The next two days were sea days, which mean I spent most of my time on the deck above the pool in the sun with some nice fruity, frozen drinks and Sean spent it sitting in the shade with a few cold beers.  Overall, it was a great get away, even though we were surrounded with more children than I cared to see.

Throughout the trip, I was waiting sadness to come watching all the parents and their children, but with the exception of seeing a set of adoptive parents telling their adopted daughter about the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island (both of which they brought her to see a few months earlier when she became a US citizen), these events didn't cause tears.  I was caught off guard, though, by when tears actually threatened to come - when I saw the children interact with their grandparents.  It was very hard for me to see a young girl running through the buffet in the morning to leap into her grandmother's arms or to see a grandfather play peek-a-boo with his grandson and the new Shamu stuffed animal for most of the bus ride from SeaWorld back to the ship.   It was seeing three generations of family sitting down to have dinner, while Sean and I sat at our small two-seater table that brought me to tears.   As much as I want a child for Sean and myself, I want it for our family.  I can't wait take trips where my children can be spoiled by grandparents, aunts and uncles, where we will all make memories together, and where they will have as many sweet memories with their grandparents as I had with mine (lesson learned: crying in a Disney ride=leaving with Nana and getting some sort of treat).   Hopefully Sean and I have taken one of last vacations alone for awhile.

To help us reach this goal,  we have decided to stay with our RE for atleast one more IVF.   For our next cycle (starting mid-August), our RE has decided to start up the stimulating medication a day or two earlier, attempt a 5 day blastocyte transfer, and try a new form of progesterone.  Hopefully this will make the difference and we will be able to celebrate family vacation sooner than later, especially since I think my father plans on having a family Disney vacation December 2013.  Fingers crossed!

As if this post isn't already long enough, I thought I would add some pictures of our vacation.

Cruising by the Statue of Liberty

Shamu & her baby at SeaWorld

Harry Potter and the Failed FET

Last night, as I was reading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows at 2 AM on the couch,  I thought about the first time I read this book.  I went to the midnight release (wearing a custom T-shirt of course) at Borders with my new co-worker and her friends.   It was definitely the beginning of a great, if not a little geeky at times friendship.   The next day involved a family cook-out and another Harry Potter In addition it was the first, and only, night I stayed at Sean's apartment.  This was probably also the first time that he realized what a dork I was.   I had the new book in my hands and just had to read for a little bit as we were heading to bed.   Little did I know it would be echoed hundreds of times later in our relationship.   At this point in time, we were a fairly new couple with our entire futures in front of us.  (On a side note, it was the same weekend Sean asked me to be his girlfriend at a beautiful beach in Newport). 

Here we are about 4 years later and in a very different place.   We have another failed cycle.  We found out yesterday that our frozen embryo transfer didn't work.   Even though I felt from the beginning that this wouldn't work, it didn't stop it from hurting any less.  Every rational and irrational thought flew through my mind.  Did the embryo simply stop growing?   Does Millie still not want us to have kids?   Only 24 hours, a pedicure, a gel manicure and a six pack of Sam Summer later, I am ready to move on.  However we have to wait at least a month to do anything.   That is one of the horrible things about trying to concieve, even the best couple only has 12 opportunties a year to get pregnant.  A couple undergoing IVF may only have 4 or 5.  We have decided to go back to the RE we are currently at and see if he is willing to change our protocol.  I just can't take doing the same exact protocol (BCP, gonal-f, cetrotide, 3 day transfer) when it didn't work the first time.  I am hoping he will change at least one  variable, ideally making the 3 day transfer a 5 day transfer.  If he is unwilling, we are ready to seek a second opinion at another clinic.

Now I am just trying to keep myself busy.   On Saturday, Sean and I are leaving on a cruise.  Hopefully it would a great way for us to get away from all of this.  However before that I have one more tramatic event, going to see the final Harry Potter in theatres with the girls.  I can't believe it's the end.   This series is something that I hope to share with my future children, whenever they may come.   I had hoped to tell my oldest the story about how they were part of seeing the last movie with me.  As stupid as it sounds, it hurts that I am going this one alone.   Just one more wierd deadline that I gave myself.    I really wish the wand my brother gave me so lovingly was real, and I could just cast a spell that would make my pregnant.  Sadly I will have simply watch all my beloved Harry Potter characters grow up and send children of their own off to Hogwarts.  Hopefully my own story ends as happily as it does for Harry, Ginny, Ron and Hermione.

Almost there!

The wait between our embryo transfer and the pregnancy test is almost done.  I go tomorrow morning to have my blood drawn.  It is amazing how long 11 days can actually be.  I am normally a very patient person.  What is with the giggles?  Oh ok, I am super patient.  FINE, I'm not patient all.    I can't take few days between putting the wrapped presents under the tree and opening them Christmas morning.  How did I really think I could survive this week peacefully?  It doesn't happen.  As much as I try to keep my mind off it; I am contantly thinking and playing my favorite game:  what if?  What if I didn't rest enough?  What if this cramp is implantation?  What if the embryos feel out when we went over that speed bump (yes that thought has really gone through my head?  I guess I just enjoy driving myself crazy.

The emotions that go along with the wait are exacerbated by the drugs and hormones that I am on.   Both sets of drugs are said to "mimick pregnancy hormones".  Fun, right?  I have double the amount of pregnancy hormones of  a woman who is actually pregnant.   With these hormones, come all sorts of symptoms that come and go and come again.   It is enough to make anyone crazy.   While I wasn't very confident to start, some days I was confident that I was pregnant, other days I spent most of the day in tears thinking it didn't work. 

I have been trying to focus on other things to keep my mind off everything as much as possible (which isn't much).   However, even thinking of our vacation next week doesn't keep me totally positive.  Just like our trip to Disney last year, I planned this vacation with the thought that this would be our babymoon, our last vacation as a couple.  The thought that once again this might not be true is a little heart breaking.  I am desperately trying to stay positive, because I know this trip will be a blast either way.  However it is very hard.  

In addition to vacation planning,  I am working at a theatre camp.   It is a nice distraction trying to teach 28 third through fifth grades staging and dancing for their show on Friday.  However,  baby fears creep into this as well.  What if I never have a child to send to a camp?   Will next summer be yet another summer where we will be child free?  Is it even possible? 

Arg...I am just driving myself crazy.   In about 30 hours it will all be over, for better or for worse.  I can make that long, right?

It's Friday, Friday!

Gotta get down on Friday!  Okay now I officially know that I need to stop teaching seventh grade! 

Anyways onto the news, my frozen embryo transfer is officiall scheduled for Friday!   We are hoping to transfer two of our frozen embryos.   Our RE said that it is possible that only one (or none :( ) could make it through thaw.   We are really trying not to think about that right now. 

We have to be at the office for 11 and then I am on bed rest for Friday and Saturday.   I am making a lasagna on Thursday for Sean to cook on Friday.  Hopefully this means that there will be food to eat.  After Saturday, I just have to take it easy.  Dang, no work outs for me?  Really?   I don't know how I will survive.  :)

After the transfer, the waiting game begins again.  Any thoughts, prayers, positive thoughts you can spare for us is greatly appreciated.  I will update after the transfer on Friday.

Family? Yes! Pregnancy? ??

   I have been going to see an infertility therapist (A) for the last few weeks.   Good news, she told me I am not crazy (hard for some of you to believe, I know) and I  am actually dealing with all the infertility very logically and actually pretty well.  At my last appointment, A asked me a question that sort of caused me to stumble.  What do you want more a family or a newborn? 
    I have never been opposed to adoption, but I never thought of it this way.   Would I be okay if I could get my family without getting pregnant?  Or even without having a young baby?   As of right now, I am saying yes.   While I have long dreamed about getting pregnant and delivering a biological baby, I don't think I would be totally depressed if I had to by pass this step.  Would I miss the excitement of telling my family and the first few days with a new born?  Of course, but I know my family and friends would show me just as much excitement if I announced we adopted.  I know my colleagues would be just as excited to see my adopted child as they would be to see a biological child.   After talking with A, I realized there is so many more important things that create family than biology.
     I cannot wait to see my child's excitement as she participates in an activity she loves.   I can't wait to be able to share some of the things that I love so much:  theatre, dance, reading.  I can't wait for the first day of school, as well as spending all summer together at Meme's pool (which hopefully will be up and running soon).   I can't wait to see my child fall in love, graduate from high school, graduate from college, get married.   Not one of these things would be less special or less important because the child wouldn't be "biologically" mine.   The child would be mine and together we would experience all sorts of experience. 
      The child's first (of many) trips to Disney would not be any less special.   He won't be any less excited to see Mickey for the first time or to ride the monorail with Dad to get away from Mom.   My child's struggles and hardships won't be any easier.   It will still be one of the most difficult things for me to see my child cry and be hurt by the people around him.  
     It is all these experiences (plus so many more) that help to build and solidify a family.  It is these experiences, for better or worse, that I crave to experience.   No matter how a child comes into our lives, whether they are born in my body or simply born in our hearts, this child will become an integral and important part of family.   Definitely no questions asked.
    All this being said, Sean and I are just not ready to give up on having our biological child yet.   We have decided to take two of our embryos that were frozen during the last IVF and transfer them.   Though frozen embryo transfers (FET) have slightly lower chances of being successful, there is still enough chance for it to happen that we are moving forward.  I have been taking the necessary pills (estrace) since last week.  If all goes as planned, we will be able to transfer a couple of our frozen embryos, affectionally referred to as our popsicles, on July 1.  
    No matter how this cycle goes, Sean and I are not ready to stop or even really change courses; however, no matter how it needs to occur, we will have our family and we will be able to experience all the things that I am so looking forward to experiencing with my own children.

Whirlwind

I cannot believe that it is June already.  Really?  Already?   It seems like it was just June of 2010.  How did this year go by so fast?  I am sure that my focus on trying to conceive didn't help.   It seems that since late October most of my free time has gone to thinking about, planning for, or having different infertility treatments.   Add this ontop of work and correcting (something that I don't do quite enough) and I am surprised I have survived this far.  

For the first time in recent history, I am not fully looking forward to the end of the school year.  Don't get me wrong.  I have a countdown going on my calendar and in my head (12.5 days left).   I am looking forward to working with my youngins in the theatre camp (Aladdin Kids July 15th!).  However the end of the year comes with a little black cloud over it.  As much as I hate to do this to myself, I can't stop thinking about how this is one more year where I will not be making an announcement to my staff.   I was so positive that I would be pregnant by this time, and I am not.   I feel slightly at a lost.  

I am heading into another summer not being pregnant.   This is a time period when I spend most of my time alone at home or walking around the neighborhood.   I will no longer have the escape of work to slightly keep my mind busy.  I am also heading into another vacation possibly not pregnant.   When we first scheduled our cruise, I had thought it would be our babymoon (our last vacation before the baby comes).   Forty-something days out and it just another vacation.   We have decided to go to Sea World on an excurision, instead of Islands of Adventure.    This was our "baby-safe" excursion, but Sean just won't give it up.   I still can't promise that I won't talk him into Islands of Advenutre (AKA HARRY POTTER WORLD!) if this next try doesn't work. 

As I look to the next few weeks, my plan is to try to throw myself into all the correcting I have and to finishing up the school year successfully.   I hope that by the time the year ends we will at least be starting all the lovely hormones for our frozen cycle.  I am hoping the popsicles (our frozen embryos) are our key to getting pregnant and all my worries of a non-pregnant summer will have been for naught.

In mourning

       Merriam Webster defines to mourn as "to feel or express grief".   Even though I am not sure it should, this term applies to me right now.  I am in a deep state of mourning.  I have turned to all my mourning food: dark chocolate and cookie dough (from Maggie) to chip and french onion dip and wine (from Dennis); however a death did not occur, or did it?   Unlike the previous 16 or so tries, I know for fact that an life was created.  I had two little embryos that could have become my future children but didn't.  Even though it is not technically counted as a lost, I cannot help but feel as though it is.  Even though I get out of bed every day and go though my day, my brain is on the failed IVF.  What did I do wrong?   What could I have done better?  Am I to blame?   Deep inside my mind I know that I didn't do anything wrong, but that doesn't stop all the thoughts from coming.  Should I have not gone to work two days after the transfer?  Should I not have let the kitchen curtain stress me out when it just wouldn't seem to go up?  Should I have not gone to tech week of the middle school show?
      Whether I accept or not (and I can't say I totally accept it), I am not pregnant.  Once again, all our hard work and prayers did not work.  It is pretty pathetic, but all sorts of things will send me into tears over this.  Announcements of only 20-some odd days left of school leave tears in my eyes.  It is one more year that I will leave school without being pregnant.   Though I am excited about our cruise, my heart sinks at the thought of our excurision to Universal, Islands of Adventure.    Though seeing Harry Potter World will definitely be AMAZING, we weren't going to go there if I was pregnant.   Speaking of Harry Potter, I was fully brought to tears by a TV spot today for Harry Potter 7 part two.  Why you ask?  Well, I had the wierd thought that if I was pregnant, my child would have the opportunity to see the final HP movie in theatres.  Silly, huh?  I am sure these things are going to continue coming.
      I dread almost every day at work when I could have the possibility of running into one of the pregnant women at work, or even worse a surprise pregnancy announcement.   I wake up with one thought:  "It still hasn't happen".   Even though I try to stay positive, it is so difficult right now.  I am beyond thankful for entire support group.  Poor Lauren listens every day to my whining about my infertility without a single complaint or even a simple "Shut UP!".  My mother deals constantly with the issue of infertility.  It is just like when we were planning my wedding only much more depressing.
    So, what is next?  To be honest, I don't know.  Prior to our IVF, my RE said we would do one fresh cycle and then one frozen.  I am not sure if this still going to be the deal.  We have a follow up appointment with our RE, or what is affectionally know as the WTF -what the fuck- (sorry Mom!) by the infertile community, on Monday.  I have about 15 questions for him, half of which I probably won't ever ask.  After this point, I hope we have a clearer plan, which hopefully included getting at least something completed this summer, even with out cruise in the middle.
   I guess until I am blessed with real children I will have to spoil my three amazing furbabies.   For those of you who do not know them, let me introduce them to you.

My sweet, and slightly crazy, little girl Holly

My slightly less crazy, and a little heavier, girl Millie

My sweetest girl, Dulce, with her favorite summertime toys, flip flops

Why don't you get a hobby?

     This is advice that I have heard time and time again during my infertility journey.  Most infertility books, websites, and even my reproductive endocronologist recommend continuing, or even picking up, a hobby to help keep your mind off of babies and pregnancy and infertility during waiting periods, especially the dreaded two week wait.  This is exactly where I am right now.   I get to wait until May 15th to see whether our recent embryo transfer worked.   Let me tell you, it is TORTURE!   As much as a try, my mind is on the recent transfer and pregnancy.  Maybe I should get a hobby, but what?
     Normally if anyone would ask me what I do for fun, I would respond with either dance or theatre.   The problem with that?  I haven't dance in atleast 3 years (unless you count the three classes I took at my old studio this summer with infants - okay they were between 15 and 18 - and I could barely walk afterward).   I also haven't been on stage in almost three years as well.  So in actuality, neither of these are actually true hobbies of mine anymore.   Maybe I could start doing yoga?  Yay, it is a good healthy habit and it will help keep me centered and relaxed.   Tried it!  I am good for day one or two and then I can't get my fat but off the couch.   Maybe I will do something crafty?   I could make pillowcase dresses for my future daughter.  I could scrapbook.  I could quilt.  Problem, I have all the creativity of a second grader left alone with glitter and the glue pot.  In other word, it doesn't come out pretty.   I know I did a lot of the crafts for my wedding (table numbers, menus, cake topper, pomanders), but those took me hours each and I threw away way more than I can count.  
    That brings me to the few things that could actually be considered hobbies:  shopping and reading.    Shopping, now that is a hobby I can stick with.   Right now buying clothes is out of the question, but there are always shoes, accessories and home things.  I clearly don't have enough cute heels or earrings.   Home Goods is also a fantastic way to spend a few hours.  I don't see any real problems with this, right?   Sean won't mind when I spend all our emergency money just so I can take my mind off of infertility and babies.   No problem right?  Yay, so that wouldn't work.  I guess that leaves reading.   It is not something that I actually really consider a hobby, but it truly.  I can loose myself for hours or even days in a good book.   Sean frequently mocks me as I spend a Friday or Saturday night with my nose in a book.  I may not read "high" literature, but does that really matter.     So what if most of my books either take place in Elizabethan England or have covens of vampires (don't mock; they are good).  These stories entertain me and keep my mind from constantly drifting back to the issues that I am dealing with.  If they offer me even two minutes of solice, I will take it.   So I guess in all actuality, I do have a hobby; one that I truly love.   It may not keep my body or hands active, but it keeps my mind active, which is the most important part of a hobby.
    I think I will be reading quite a bit in the next week or so.   I had two lovely embryos transferred this past Wednesday.   Both were what my clinic considers high implantation potential.  Fingers crossed that at least on sticks and for you viewing pleasure, our future possible babies:

The things you know when going through IVF

      I have been researching and hearing about IVF for months.   5dp2dt of ICSI IVF seems like jibberish to most people, but it is clear as day to me.  So clear in fact that I sometimes forget that other people don't know all of these terms by heart.  Many of you reading probably do not know more about IVF than Jon and Kate Plus 8, Octomom and test tube babies.  Since I am in the middle of my first IVF (I will give you an update later), I thought I would explain the process to everyone.
     The cycle begins with suppression of some sort, often through the use of birth control.   While this may seem sort of counterproductive, it actually works to stop your body from developing follicles.  This helps to put your body on a schedule that the reproductive endocronologist (RE) can work with.  After supression, you will start stimmulating your follicles.  There are a variety of injectible medications that can be used for this.  I used a drug called Gonal-F.  It required me to give myself nightly injections to help the follicles (things in the ovaries that contain eggs) grow large than normal. 
       During this time, you have to go in for frequent blood work and ultrasound.  This is checking to make sure your hormone levels are still in the normal level, as well as checking the size and number of follicles in each of your ovaries.  The RE may find that your follicles are maturing, but you are getting close to ovulating, which isn't good if your egg retrieval isn't for a few days.  In this case, the RE may have you take another daily injection to stop the follicles from ovulating.  I had to take a drug called Cetrotide.   That made 2 injections a day.  Once your RE thinks everything is how it should be, you have to a final injection (HCG) which causes the follicles to release the mature eggs about 36 hours later.  
    The next step is the egg retrieval (ER).  During this process, you are put under a light anesthesia and the RE will use a needle to suck all mature eggs from both ovaries.   The whole thing only takes about 20 minutes.   Prior to this procedure a semen sample needs to be produced so it can be ready to be mixed with the eggs.
      At this point, the embryologists in the lab go to work.  They put some sperm with each egg and place them in an incubator.  In some cases it may be necessary for them to perform ICSI (intracytoplasmic sperm injection).  During ICSI, the sperm is injected right into the cytoplasm of the egg.   After a day, the embryologist is able to see which of the eggs fertilized.
     For the next two days or so, the embryos are watch closely.  It is important that they are splitting evenly with little or no fragmentation.  During this time, you have to take progesterone supplements, which are either available through injection or suppositories which will continue at least through the pregnancy test.   Either 3 (3dt) or 5 (5dt) days after ER, it is time for the embryos to be transferred. 
    During the embryo transfer (ET), the best embryos are transferred via catheter into the uterus.  If possible, additional embryos can be frozen for future transfers.  A positive pregnancy test can be taken about 10 days after the transfer.  
   Hopefully this give some of you an idea of the process that some people need to take in order to have the child of their dreams.
    Now for my update:    I was able to have my egg retrieval this past Sunday.  It was a lot earlier than I expected, but I was happy it occurred on a weekend.   The procedure wasn't that bad.  All I remember once I got into the operating room was "Ok Christine, I want you to take 5 deep breaths."  Two breaths later I was out and then I was waking up in recovery.  They were able to get 12 eggs!!! Sean and I wer both very excited.  
    I wasn't in that much pain afterwards.  I was more uncomfortable than anything, especially when I was trying to stand up or sit down.  Today is better, though I still am a little sore.
     The clinic called me earlier today to let me know how many of my 12 fertilized.  We were lucky enough to get 7 embryos!   Hopefully our 7 possible future children are behaving themselves and growing well.   We are doing a 3 day transfer on Wednesday.  I have signed up for pre- and post-transfer acupuncture at the clinic to help everything along.   After that I am coming home to spend two days on the couch.  I am feeling a Harry Potter marathon in my future.  
     I will try to keep you updated, because I am sure I will need lots of distractions during the 2 week wait (time between conception and pregnancy test). 
If you want to learn more about IVF or other infertility treatments, check out this site: IVF

Infertility Myth: If you just relax, you will get pregnant

    In honor of National Infertility Week, I am joining up with RESOLVE and other infertility bloggers to help bust infertility myths.  Hopefully I will be able to get a couple up this week but between work and fertility drugs, I will be lucky if I can write by Thursday.  
    The one thing that drives me the craziest is the phrase in my title.    I cannot tell you how many times I was told to "relax" or to "be patient".    Sorry we could be as relaxed as possible, but it doesn't raise the 2% chance that we will get pregnant without intervention.   While this may be good advice during the first weeks or so of trying to conceive, after a few months it becomes irrating.  
     How would you feel if you desperately wanted a new job and people continually told you to relax?  Instead of sending out all those resumes and spending hours online looking for new postings (I know how this is done for I have seen it done very often from this very laptop), you can just sit and relax and someone is going to knock on your door with a great job.  RIGHT, like that is going happen.    You have to be actively searching for a job in order to find one.   Yes, there was that one time when your friend's cousin's brother's wife wasn't even looking for a job and walked into a company and was hired on the spot, but who is really luck enough for that to happen?   If someone continually told you to relax, I am sure you would be ready to shove your perfectly printed resume down someone's throat.
       Why is it then okay to torture infertile women with this statement?  If I didn't take the nightly fertility shots (not too bad actually), go in for blood work and ultrasounds every other morning, or go through egg retrival and transfer, I may never have the opportunity to have my own biological child.  Yes there are some things I could relax about, such as dinner (Sean would be happy eating  frozen pizza every night) or MCAS scheduling (yes, I did make a spreadsheet of all the possible days that I could miss and how they would affect MCAS), but none of these things will help me to become pregnant without medical intervention.
        Next time you talk to someone who is trying to have a child, don't tell them to relax.  This isn't helpful.   Instead try to see if there is anything they need from you, such as your support.  Even a simple "I can't imagine how difficult this is" can mean the world to the recipient.
       Visit Resolve's site  and read their Infertility 101 to learn a little more about infertility.   Visit National Infertility Awareness Week to learn about the background of NIAW.

Infertile Holiday

      There are only a few things that infertiles dread more than pregnancy announcements, and those are baby showers and holidays.  Both are constant reminders of what you can't have, especially if your family includes small children.   There will often be questions about when you will have questions or even just comments about how loooong you been married, even it had only been a few months or years.  Showers are normally you something you can avoid or deal with if the friend/family member is important enough to you.  Holidays, on the other hand, are unavoidable.  Unless you lock yourself in your bedroom and keep the TV off, reminders are all around.    Every little thing reminds you of the things you should be doing with your children that just don't want to arrive.
     With Easter only a few days away, I have been thinking almost constantly if I can handle the holiday.   I am very lucky that my family is supportive and won't say or bring up anything unless I do, but it still doesn't make it easy.  Even though I absolutely love spending time with my little cousins, it pains me to see them begging Sean to play with him.   I would give anything to throw our child in the mix, so he/she can beg their father to play with me.   I seem my aunt and uncle with their grandkids and I ache for my parents.  This is something they want so badly and just can't have.   I am not sure if this is something I can handle this year.
      Each holiday that passes gets harder and harder to deal with.  When we first started trying to conceive, I was sure by Easter I would be pregnant and by Christmas I would have a baby in my arms.  When that didn't work, I knew I would be pregnant at Christmas and by Easter have a baby in my arms.   When that didn't work, I knew I would be pregnant by Easter.  Here comes Easter and there is no baby for me.  Yes, we have begun our IVF cycle, but that still doesn't help.  Each holiday acts as a deadline that I am desperate to meet but cannot, no matter how hard I try.   It is one time that I truly feel like a failure and that I am letting down everyone, in many ways.  I can't produce the child that everyone desires; I can't pull myself together to do more than play act happy; I can't decide if it is easy to just skip the whole ordeal or suck it up. 
    To make it worse, Mother's Day and Father's Day follows Easter.  It is the infertile trifecta.   While spring is the time where nature comes to life, it is the season that depresses all infertiles and sends them into hibernation until the slightly freer summer.  I don't even want to think about Mother's Day and Father's Day yet.   Just the thought of it brings me to tears.  Another reminder of everything I want but can't have.
     For most people, holidays are a time to get together with your family and celebrate.  However for those who are infertile, holidays feel like walking through a mine field.   You have to be careful where you step, or sit down next to, for you never know when a bomb is going to blow and totally ruin your thin mask of happiness.

The perfect wife?

    I figured I would take a step away from infertility related posts to talk about one of the other topics that this blog is supposed to be about:  marriage, in particular being a housewife.
    In the back of mind, I always knew I wanted to be married and have a family, but as I got older, that thought took a backseat for a short time (very short).  There was a time in my life right after high school that I "knew" I wanted to be a big time public relations representative for some sort of entertainment group.  This job would allow to have an apartment in NYC, but I would spend most of my time traveling the world.   THEN I was pulled back to Worcester by a relationship that I was SURE would last forever and I switched from wanting to be a powerful business woman to wanting to be an elementary school teacher.  They are basically the same thing right?   At this time, I began to think more about being a wife and a mother.  I had this idea of what I was going to be.  Even though I can't stand cooking or cleaning, I saw myself as the person who had the always emmaculate house (just my mother and grandmother) and would have a half-way decent on the table ever night.   I wonder if that will actually ever happen.
      I am much happier to scrimp and scrounge so we can get take out food.  Even when I am home all day,  I don't have the drive or energy to cook more than chicken or pasta.  There was a time, not that long ago, that I would plan and cook a real meal almost every night.   That didn't last long.   I am very thankful to Trader Joes for suppling me with all sorts of meals that make me look like a "good wife" when in reality, I microwaved something five minutes before Sean walked through the door.   With all this said, cooking is the thing I do best in terms of "wifely" duties.
       After cooking comes cleaning.....what can I say about cleaning?  I hate it.   While I love the look of the house when it is all cleaned, I hate the process of getting there.   You would think with no real plans this week, I would gladly give an hour or so (really how long does it take clean 900 sq feet) to making my house look good, right?  However the last few mornings, I have sat on the chair with my coffee watching some bad Bravo TV looking around at my house.   I finally get the necessary energy and do the fifteen minute clean that I have perfected.  It is a great method for people who hate cleaning.  I set the stove timer for 15 minutes and clean until the timer goes off.  A few days of this, my first floor looks great, because I had cleaned it four days in a row.  Sadly, I rarely venture to my second floor.   In the back of my mind, I think that only Sean and I go up there so it can be a little cluttered; however, it still need to cleaned, or does it?
     If I am having this much trouble cooking and cleaning for just Sean and I, what is going to happen when our hopeful baby arrives?   Do cleaning companies give discounts for new moms?  Maybe I will be lucky and Ann, the cleaning lady, will show up at my house like Flo used show up at my mom's.  Now that I have procrastinated enough, I think I need to get off the couch and off the computer and clean the house (well the first floor).

Lucky Charms

I was never the person to have lucky charms, at least I don't remember having any.   With the exception of a few things, I didn't feel that things brought good luck.   If you tried hard and applied yourself, you would be successful at most things.  I knew there was nothing I could do about my poor turnout that haunted my ballet classes and judges' comments.   All that being said, I did believe in the magic probably a little longer than I would like to admit.  Years after knowing deep down inside that Santa wasn't real, I continued to push myself to believe.   To this day, I believe in the special magical happiness that comes from walking through the gates (yes, Dad at 8 AM promptly) of one of the four Walt Disney World parks.  My childhood stuff animal, Ted E. Bear, went on more vacations than most adults.   My father could come to any dance competition he wanted to, except when I was doing my solo.    However, I don't once remember having a lucky anything that I would need to have with me to win a gold or get an A or even sleep soundly.

Why is it now I am grabbing for any lucky charm I can get?   Do I really think my infertility can be overcome by some things?  Honestly in my head, I say no, but my heart says why not?   I have begun taking a plethora of vitamens and supplements every morning, I drink POM juice on almost a daily basis, I munch on pineapple core after ovulation, and I drink more green tea than water.    Why not add a few things to my life?   So with that thought in mind, I sought out a friend who I knew had a little fertility statue.  It is now sitting predominately on my bed side table.   I found a site on line that sells fertility jewelry (The Fertile Garden (Etsy) ) and my mother ordered me a bracelet.   The website even included an explanation of the gemstones used:
   Red Carnelian gemstone is said to boost fertility and stimulate the reproductive system (your orange chakra in your belly). Carnelian is popular as a healing stone and also clears negative energy and replace it with positive energy.
    Rose quartz are the beads of love and fertility and encourage feelings of calmness and tranquility.
    Moonstone is a feminine stone, which is said to have powers that aid in nurturing receptivity and balancing of the emotions. The stone promotes love, hope, and fertility
    Turtles are a symbol of fertility and vitality. Known for their patience, endurance, longevity and tenacity.

Do I believe any of this stuff will actually help us?  To be honest I don't know.   There is enough folklore out there help support the power of these symbols and items to make me believe that there must be something there.  Even if it simply gives me a litle more positive outlook on the process than it has done its job.

After receiving my medication this past week, I will need all the luck I can get.   Even though I have definitely overcome my fear of needles, the shear amount that I will need to go through soon has me on edge. 

Looks like fun doesn't it? 
All these lovely needles will be working to put crazy hormones into my body.   Hopefully my belonephobic husband will be able to overcome his fear enough to be in the room to help me with some of these shots.   If he can't do this, hopefully my crazy hormonal rants don't send him packing to another home.     I still have another week or two before all this fun starts.  I hope my lucky fertility socks make it here before I have to start!