It's the most wonderful time of the year

Isn't it?  That is what most people think, but for those dealing with loses, it is often the most difficult time of the year.   This year makes the third, yup third, Christmas season that we will not be getting the one thing we want more than anything else.  Yes, the Christmas season is a time to celebrate with family, and I'm beyond lucky to have such a good family, but even in the happiest of times, I feel as though something is missing.    This year it is something that I'm having a hard time getting past.  

Usually by this time, I have been listening to Christmas music 24/7 for at least two weeks.  The house is entirely decorated and I'm twitching with excitement to get our tree.   This year, the only time I listen to a Christmas song is when it comes on my Pandora and I'm too far away (or lazy) to skip it.   Our house is decorated, but it was done only in an attempt to try pull myself out of the dumps.  We are supposed to get our tree tomorrow and I really could do without it this year.   I really could do without all of it this year.  If I had my wish, the decorations would still be in storage and we would be heading out of town for the holidays.  However, this holiday isn't about me.  It is about my family, especially Sean.   He asked me to do a normal Christmas and that is what I'm going to do, whether it kills me or not. 

There is one saving grace, an early Christmas present you may say.   Our IVF got approved so we are ready to move forward.   It is questionable whether we will be able to start with this coming cycle or not.  The clinic has decided that its doctors and nurses need time off for the holidays and are closing a number of days around Christmas and New Years.    One nurse said it would definitely be possible which would give me a late January ER and ET, but my nurse says it will not be.   We will know in the next week or so, but if it can be done I will be pushed for it to be done.  Most likely we will have to start with the January cycle.  At least there is light at the end of the tunnel.  I may not be able to get my Christmas miracle, but maybe I will be able to get a Valentine's miracle.  Please? Pretty pleas?