Another Thanksgiving & Black Friday tears

My mother, my nana and I (and until she moved away my best friend Suzy) have a tradition that has occurred as long as I can remember: Black Friday shopping.  Now we are not those crazy people who line up at Best Buy by 6 on Thursday night (Sean and I drive by just to point and laugh at you) or even those that are up at 2 AM to get the sales.  We normally head on out around 10, do some shopping, grab some lunch, and finish up shopping.  It is a great day to spend together as three generations.  Two years ago, I spent much of the day shopping holding back tears.   Sean had thought it would be funny to tell me that he wasn't ready for kids, only about a month after we began trying.   I didn't know it was a joke until I got home from shopping (holding back tears for most of the day and letting them fall in dressing rooms, that doesn't count right?) and totally broke down.   Sean looked at me and said he was joking; he thought it was funny.  I mustn't have gotten the memo, because I didn't find it funny at all.   Last Black Friday the tears were still close, but I could keep them at bay because we had completed most of our IF testing and were waiting to start our first IUI cycle.   This of course meant that by next Black Friday our trip would have to be cut even shorter than usual for one of two reasons: I was shopping with a baby a few months old or I was very pregnant and would have gained too much weight to walk too much.  Well here we are 12 months later and I have gained a bit of weight, about 15 pounds to be exact, but there is no baby in sight.  We are once again back in the testing stage.   As much as I would like to think this Friday will be tearfree, I know the truth.   I may be able to hold out the tears long enough that my nana doesn't know I'm upset, but I know I won't keep them totally at bay and I know that I won't be able to hide my sadness from my mother.  Hopefully this is my last year feeling this way, but I honestly cannot think that this is an absolute.   We will be lucky if we can get an ER and ET in January, and I'm sorry but I am not super convinced this will work.   I wonder if I will be facing another year of Black Friday shopping with no baby in sight.   How would I handle that?  Where would my head be?

Of course, Black Friday shopping means Thanksgiving has passed.  As you can see I tried to ignore that fact completely.  We have decided to celebrate with my family, who are all very supportive, but that doesn't mean this is going to be easy.  It is one more holiday that I get to see my cousins' children enjoy knowing that mine should enjoying.   It is one more time that I have to sit and watch the Macy's parade alone.   I will have to share my excitement with my mother over the phone after every Broadway performance.  I can easily think of all the things that I'm not thankful for: our infertility, our insurance that just won't let us more forward, our last three lifetime chances to have children, the lack of support we get from some friends and family members, and most importantly, our lack of children to share all this with.  

With all these things in consideration, I have more things to be thankful for thank I can count.   Other than our infertility, Sean and I and our family are fairly healthy.   I'm lucky enough to be 28 and still have all four of grandparents living.  How many people can say that?   I'm thankful for my family and friends who are supportive.  I'm sure no one really wants to hear about Sean's urology appointment or my latest meeting with the dildo camera, but everyone listens and supports without judging.  I'm thankful for having insurance, even though it aggravates me.  We have paid less than $600 total for our first 3 IVF cycles.  If we were paying out of pocket, this would have cost us upwards of $120,000.  We would never had been able to take the chances. 

Most importantly I'm thankful for my husband.  He is one of the most supportive men that I know.  I frequently hear that husbands are leery about doing any testing for IF, but mine is willing to do whatever I ask him, though I do need to bribe him at times.   He finds way to make me laugh and smile when I'm crying and totally distraught.  He even ignores all the times that I have sat on the couch crying at something on television (really, Hallmark is it your goal in life to make me sob daily?).   Going though IVF is such a stressful process, that I know I wouldn't make it through one day if I didn't have his support.    

I said this last year and I know I will probably be saying it next year as well:  "I'm thankful that this is going to be the last Thanksgiving that we are childless."

Stuck in a holding pattern

Last time I wrote we were awaiting insurance approval.  Tufts was very prompt and denied us a few days later.  They requested that Sean does some more testing and I redo my day 3 testing because we have been doing this so long my original testing had expired.  To say I was frustrated is an understatement.  However, after thinking about it, I realized that this wasn't a tragedy.  Much of the testing the insurance has requested for Sean is testing that I had been asking for for months from our previous clinic.   Hopefully it will give us some more answers.

All this testing is pushing back our next IVF.   I have some testing that needs to be done this week or next; Sean has a doctor's appointment the week after Thanksgiving, so it will be mid-December before we get approval.  Then we have to do an IVF class and then we can begin our cycle.  I'm hoping that we can do the IVF class late in this upcoming cycle or early in the next, and then we can start near the end of the December cycle, which would put us for a January ER.  Worse case is starting in January with a February ER.  Both those months seem so far away, but really what can you do except keep busy.  That is exactly what I'm trying to do.  We spent most of weekend emptying our basement, so that we can remodel it and make a great family space.  It is amazing how much stuff we have collected in just a few years.  I spent much of the time looking through old photos and dance medals.  It was a great trip down memory lane.

On a slightly different note, last weekend Sean and I went to the RESOLVE of NE conference to get some information on adoption.   A few good things came out of that weekend.   1) We were by far the youngest in the adoption seminars.   Most people were in their mid- to late 30s and have done at least 5 IVF cycles.   I have begun thinking that maybe I could handle more than one more if necessary.  2) My blog entry (Infertility is...) won the blog contest!   We had just finished eating lunch and the head of the organization was giving some volunteer awards and then the blog award.  All of a sudden she starting reading my blog.  I was shocked!   Sean actually was out of the room and missed it.    Not only will my entry be published on their website and in the winter newsletter, but I also won a Circle + Bloom IVF/IUI mind and body program (I really wanted one for my next cycle) and an IVF companion planner.   Sean now is convinced that I should write a book about our experience.  Who knows maybe that is how I will pass the next few months?