In honor of National Infertility Week, I am joining up with RESOLVE and other infertility bloggers to help bust infertility myths. Hopefully I will be able to get a couple up this week but between work and fertility drugs, I will be lucky if I can write by Thursday.
The one thing that drives me the craziest is the phrase in my title. I cannot tell you how many times I was told to "relax" or to "be patient". Sorry we could be as relaxed as possible, but it doesn't raise the 2% chance that we will get pregnant without intervention. While this may be good advice during the first weeks or so of trying to conceive, after a few months it becomes irrating.
How would you feel if you desperately wanted a new job and people continually told you to relax? Instead of sending out all those resumes and spending hours online looking for new postings (I know how this is done for I have seen it done very often from this very laptop), you can just sit and relax and someone is going to knock on your door with a great job. RIGHT, like that is going happen. You have to be actively searching for a job in order to find one. Yes, there was that one time when your friend's cousin's brother's wife wasn't even looking for a job and walked into a company and was hired on the spot, but who is really luck enough for that to happen? If someone continually told you to relax, I am sure you would be ready to shove your perfectly printed resume down someone's throat.
Why is it then okay to torture infertile women with this statement? If I didn't take the nightly fertility shots (not too bad actually), go in for blood work and ultrasounds every other morning, or go through egg retrival and transfer, I may never have the opportunity to have my own biological child. Yes there are some things I could relax about, such as dinner (Sean would be happy eating frozen pizza every night) or MCAS scheduling (yes, I did make a spreadsheet of all the possible days that I could miss and how they would affect MCAS), but none of these things will help me to become pregnant without medical intervention.
Next time you talk to someone who is trying to have a child, don't tell them to relax. This isn't helpful. Instead try to see if there is anything they need from you, such as your support. Even a simple "I can't imagine how difficult this is" can mean the world to the recipient.
Visit Resolve's site and read their Infertility 101 to learn a little more about infertility. Visit National Infertility Awareness Week to learn about the background of NIAW.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Infertile Holiday
There are only a few things that infertiles dread more than pregnancy announcements, and those are baby showers and holidays. Both are constant reminders of what you can't have, especially if your family includes small children. There will often be questions about when you will have questions or even just comments about how loooong you been married, even it had only been a few months or years. Showers are normally you something you can avoid or deal with if the friend/family member is important enough to you. Holidays, on the other hand, are unavoidable. Unless you lock yourself in your bedroom and keep the TV off, reminders are all around. Every little thing reminds you of the things you should be doing with your children that just don't want to arrive.
With Easter only a few days away, I have been thinking almost constantly if I can handle the holiday. I am very lucky that my family is supportive and won't say or bring up anything unless I do, but it still doesn't make it easy. Even though I absolutely love spending time with my little cousins, it pains me to see them begging Sean to play with him. I would give anything to throw our child in the mix, so he/she can beg their father to play with me. I seem my aunt and uncle with their grandkids and I ache for my parents. This is something they want so badly and just can't have. I am not sure if this is something I can handle this year.
Each holiday that passes gets harder and harder to deal with. When we first started trying to conceive, I was sure by Easter I would be pregnant and by Christmas I would have a baby in my arms. When that didn't work, I knew I would be pregnant at Christmas and by Easter have a baby in my arms. When that didn't work, I knew I would be pregnant by Easter. Here comes Easter and there is no baby for me. Yes, we have begun our IVF cycle, but that still doesn't help. Each holiday acts as a deadline that I am desperate to meet but cannot, no matter how hard I try. It is one time that I truly feel like a failure and that I am letting down everyone, in many ways. I can't produce the child that everyone desires; I can't pull myself together to do more than play act happy; I can't decide if it is easy to just skip the whole ordeal or suck it up.
To make it worse, Mother's Day and Father's Day follows Easter. It is the infertile trifecta. While spring is the time where nature comes to life, it is the season that depresses all infertiles and sends them into hibernation until the slightly freer summer. I don't even want to think about Mother's Day and Father's Day yet. Just the thought of it brings me to tears. Another reminder of everything I want but can't have.
For most people, holidays are a time to get together with your family and celebrate. However for those who are infertile, holidays feel like walking through a mine field. You have to be careful where you step, or sit down next to, for you never know when a bomb is going to blow and totally ruin your thin mask of happiness.
With Easter only a few days away, I have been thinking almost constantly if I can handle the holiday. I am very lucky that my family is supportive and won't say or bring up anything unless I do, but it still doesn't make it easy. Even though I absolutely love spending time with my little cousins, it pains me to see them begging Sean to play with him. I would give anything to throw our child in the mix, so he/she can beg their father to play with me. I seem my aunt and uncle with their grandkids and I ache for my parents. This is something they want so badly and just can't have. I am not sure if this is something I can handle this year.
Each holiday that passes gets harder and harder to deal with. When we first started trying to conceive, I was sure by Easter I would be pregnant and by Christmas I would have a baby in my arms. When that didn't work, I knew I would be pregnant at Christmas and by Easter have a baby in my arms. When that didn't work, I knew I would be pregnant by Easter. Here comes Easter and there is no baby for me. Yes, we have begun our IVF cycle, but that still doesn't help. Each holiday acts as a deadline that I am desperate to meet but cannot, no matter how hard I try. It is one time that I truly feel like a failure and that I am letting down everyone, in many ways. I can't produce the child that everyone desires; I can't pull myself together to do more than play act happy; I can't decide if it is easy to just skip the whole ordeal or suck it up.
To make it worse, Mother's Day and Father's Day follows Easter. It is the infertile trifecta. While spring is the time where nature comes to life, it is the season that depresses all infertiles and sends them into hibernation until the slightly freer summer. I don't even want to think about Mother's Day and Father's Day yet. Just the thought of it brings me to tears. Another reminder of everything I want but can't have.
For most people, holidays are a time to get together with your family and celebrate. However for those who are infertile, holidays feel like walking through a mine field. You have to be careful where you step, or sit down next to, for you never know when a bomb is going to blow and totally ruin your thin mask of happiness.
Monday, April 18, 2011
The perfect wife?
I figured I would take a step away from infertility related posts to talk about one of the other topics that this blog is supposed to be about: marriage, in particular being a housewife.
In the back of mind, I always knew I wanted to be married and have a family, but as I got older, that thought took a backseat for a short time (very short). There was a time in my life right after high school that I "knew" I wanted to be a big time public relations representative for some sort of entertainment group. This job would allow to have an apartment in NYC, but I would spend most of my time traveling the world. THEN I was pulled back to Worcester by a relationship that I was SURE would last forever and I switched from wanting to be a powerful business woman to wanting to be an elementary school teacher. They are basically the same thing right? At this time, I began to think more about being a wife and a mother. I had this idea of what I was going to be. Even though I can't stand cooking or cleaning, I saw myself as the person who had the always emmaculate house (just my mother and grandmother) and would have a half-way decent on the table ever night. I wonder if that will actually ever happen.
I am much happier to scrimp and scrounge so we can get take out food. Even when I am home all day, I don't have the drive or energy to cook more than chicken or pasta. There was a time, not that long ago, that I would plan and cook a real meal almost every night. That didn't last long. I am very thankful to Trader Joes for suppling me with all sorts of meals that make me look like a "good wife" when in reality, I microwaved something five minutes before Sean walked through the door. With all this said, cooking is the thing I do best in terms of "wifely" duties.
After cooking comes cleaning.....what can I say about cleaning? I hate it. While I love the look of the house when it is all cleaned, I hate the process of getting there. You would think with no real plans this week, I would gladly give an hour or so (really how long does it take clean 900 sq feet) to making my house look good, right? However the last few mornings, I have sat on the chair with my coffee watching some bad Bravo TV looking around at my house. I finally get the necessary energy and do the fifteen minute clean that I have perfected. It is a great method for people who hate cleaning. I set the stove timer for 15 minutes and clean until the timer goes off. A few days of this, my first floor looks great, because I had cleaned it four days in a row. Sadly, I rarely venture to my second floor. In the back of my mind, I think that only Sean and I go up there so it can be a little cluttered; however, it still need to cleaned, or does it?
If I am having this much trouble cooking and cleaning for just Sean and I, what is going to happen when our hopeful baby arrives? Do cleaning companies give discounts for new moms? Maybe I will be lucky and Ann, the cleaning lady, will show up at my house like Flo used show up at my mom's. Now that I have procrastinated enough, I think I need to get off the couch and off the computer and clean the house (well the first floor).
In the back of mind, I always knew I wanted to be married and have a family, but as I got older, that thought took a backseat for a short time (very short). There was a time in my life right after high school that I "knew" I wanted to be a big time public relations representative for some sort of entertainment group. This job would allow to have an apartment in NYC, but I would spend most of my time traveling the world. THEN I was pulled back to Worcester by a relationship that I was SURE would last forever and I switched from wanting to be a powerful business woman to wanting to be an elementary school teacher. They are basically the same thing right? At this time, I began to think more about being a wife and a mother. I had this idea of what I was going to be. Even though I can't stand cooking or cleaning, I saw myself as the person who had the always emmaculate house (just my mother and grandmother) and would have a half-way decent on the table ever night. I wonder if that will actually ever happen.
I am much happier to scrimp and scrounge so we can get take out food. Even when I am home all day, I don't have the drive or energy to cook more than chicken or pasta. There was a time, not that long ago, that I would plan and cook a real meal almost every night. That didn't last long. I am very thankful to Trader Joes for suppling me with all sorts of meals that make me look like a "good wife" when in reality, I microwaved something five minutes before Sean walked through the door. With all this said, cooking is the thing I do best in terms of "wifely" duties.
After cooking comes cleaning.....what can I say about cleaning? I hate it. While I love the look of the house when it is all cleaned, I hate the process of getting there. You would think with no real plans this week, I would gladly give an hour or so (really how long does it take clean 900 sq feet) to making my house look good, right? However the last few mornings, I have sat on the chair with my coffee watching some bad Bravo TV looking around at my house. I finally get the necessary energy and do the fifteen minute clean that I have perfected. It is a great method for people who hate cleaning. I set the stove timer for 15 minutes and clean until the timer goes off. A few days of this, my first floor looks great, because I had cleaned it four days in a row. Sadly, I rarely venture to my second floor. In the back of my mind, I think that only Sean and I go up there so it can be a little cluttered; however, it still need to cleaned, or does it?
If I am having this much trouble cooking and cleaning for just Sean and I, what is going to happen when our hopeful baby arrives? Do cleaning companies give discounts for new moms? Maybe I will be lucky and Ann, the cleaning lady, will show up at my house like Flo used show up at my mom's. Now that I have procrastinated enough, I think I need to get off the couch and off the computer and clean the house (well the first floor).
Monday, April 11, 2011
Lucky Charms
I was never the person to have lucky charms, at least I don't remember having any. With the exception of a few things, I didn't feel that things brought good luck. If you tried hard and applied yourself, you would be successful at most things. I knew there was nothing I could do about my poor turnout that haunted my ballet classes and judges' comments. All that being said, I did believe in the magic probably a little longer than I would like to admit. Years after knowing deep down inside that Santa wasn't real, I continued to push myself to believe. To this day, I believe in the special magical happiness that comes from walking through the gates (yes, Dad at 8 AM promptly) of one of the four Walt Disney World parks. My childhood stuff animal, Ted E. Bear, went on more vacations than most adults. My father could come to any dance competition he wanted to, except when I was doing my solo. However, I don't once remember having a lucky anything that I would need to have with me to win a gold or get an A or even sleep soundly.
Why is it now I am grabbing for any lucky charm I can get? Do I really think my infertility can be overcome by some things? Honestly in my head, I say no, but my heart says why not? I have begun taking a plethora of vitamens and supplements every morning, I drink POM juice on almost a daily basis, I munch on pineapple core after ovulation, and I drink more green tea than water. Why not add a few things to my life? So with that thought in mind, I sought out a friend who I knew had a little fertility statue. It is now sitting predominately on my bed side table. I found a site on line that sells fertility jewelry (The Fertile Garden (Etsy) ) and my mother ordered me a bracelet. The website even included an explanation of the gemstones used:
Red Carnelian gemstone is said to boost fertility and stimulate the reproductive system (your orange chakra in your belly). Carnelian is popular as a healing stone and also clears negative energy and replace it with positive energy.
Rose quartz are the beads of love and fertility and encourage feelings of calmness and tranquility.
Moonstone is a feminine stone, which is said to have powers that aid in nurturing receptivity and balancing of the emotions. The stone promotes love, hope, and fertility
Turtles are a symbol of fertility and vitality. Known for their patience, endurance, longevity and tenacity.
Do I believe any of this stuff will actually help us? To be honest I don't know. There is enough folklore out there help support the power of these symbols and items to make me believe that there must be something there. Even if it simply gives me a litle more positive outlook on the process than it has done its job.
After receiving my medication this past week, I will need all the luck I can get. Even though I have definitely overcome my fear of needles, the shear amount that I will need to go through soon has me on edge.
Looks like fun doesn't it?
All these lovely needles will be working to put crazy hormones into my body. Hopefully my belonephobic husband will be able to overcome his fear enough to be in the room to help me with some of these shots. If he can't do this, hopefully my crazy hormonal rants don't send him packing to another home. I still have another week or two before all this fun starts. I hope my lucky fertility socks make it here before I have to start!
Why is it now I am grabbing for any lucky charm I can get? Do I really think my infertility can be overcome by some things? Honestly in my head, I say no, but my heart says why not? I have begun taking a plethora of vitamens and supplements every morning, I drink POM juice on almost a daily basis, I munch on pineapple core after ovulation, and I drink more green tea than water. Why not add a few things to my life? So with that thought in mind, I sought out a friend who I knew had a little fertility statue. It is now sitting predominately on my bed side table. I found a site on line that sells fertility jewelry (The Fertile Garden (Etsy) ) and my mother ordered me a bracelet. The website even included an explanation of the gemstones used:
Red Carnelian gemstone is said to boost fertility and stimulate the reproductive system (your orange chakra in your belly). Carnelian is popular as a healing stone and also clears negative energy and replace it with positive energy.
Rose quartz are the beads of love and fertility and encourage feelings of calmness and tranquility.
Moonstone is a feminine stone, which is said to have powers that aid in nurturing receptivity and balancing of the emotions. The stone promotes love, hope, and fertility
Turtles are a symbol of fertility and vitality. Known for their patience, endurance, longevity and tenacity.
Do I believe any of this stuff will actually help us? To be honest I don't know. There is enough folklore out there help support the power of these symbols and items to make me believe that there must be something there. Even if it simply gives me a litle more positive outlook on the process than it has done its job.
After receiving my medication this past week, I will need all the luck I can get. Even though I have definitely overcome my fear of needles, the shear amount that I will need to go through soon has me on edge.
Looks like fun doesn't it?
All these lovely needles will be working to put crazy hormones into my body. Hopefully my belonephobic husband will be able to overcome his fear enough to be in the room to help me with some of these shots. If he can't do this, hopefully my crazy hormonal rants don't send him packing to another home. I still have another week or two before all this fun starts. I hope my lucky fertility socks make it here before I have to start!
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
What a way to celebrate NIAW!
As I mentioned in my first post, Resolve, the National Infertility Association, is holding a National Infertility Awareness week on April 24-30th. The purpose of this national week is to raise awareness for infertility, which affects 1 in 8 women and men. Infertility is not considered important or truly a disease by many people, especially those in legislature. The ability to have children is viewed as a privilege not a right. If a couple desires to have a child but cannot, many feel that it is not an issue for public concern. Others worry that covering infertility with medical insurance will raise insurance prices to high, when in it reality it may raise it a dollar or two at most. It is the goal of RESOLVE to try to educate this people and get some infertility laws on the books.
PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) have decided that this is an issue that they want to stand behind and honor, or at least that is what they are saying. Here is a screen cap (thank you Lauren for teaching me this) of their site and the contest they set up for NIAW:
Obviously PETA feels that human overpopulation is impacting the animal world and it is better to sterilize than to actually support NIAW. I believe in some of the good work that PETA does, but I definitely feel as they often go to the extreme. This is one of those moments.
It is clear that PETA did not think about what impact this would have on all the men and women battling with this very heartwrenching and difficult disease. They are simply piggy-backing on the honorable intentions set forth by RESOLVE. Sadly with this stunt, many people who would not think or talk about PETA (see most IF blogs) are now thinking and talking about PETA. Even though I do not want to send PETA anymore publicity, I felt this was an important enough message to spread to the readers of this blog (few as you may be).
If you feel so inclined, email PETA president Ingrid Newkirk at ingridn@peta.org.
Before I get too upset, I thought I would give you an update on me. When I last posted, we were in a battle with our insurance over covering our IVF. Monday I received a call from my infertility clinic and they just received notice that the insurance company reconsidered and has okayed us for three IVFs (hopefully one will do the job). I was able to start the process Monday evening as well. As odd as it may seem, the first step was taking birth control pills for about two weeks. I never thought going back on birth control would help have a child, when I used it for so many years to avoid this very outcome. After this comes medication, lots of it, all that needs to taken via injection. I will officially be a pin cushion after this is done. All thoughts and prayers are more than welcome.
PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) have decided that this is an issue that they want to stand behind and honor, or at least that is what they are saying. Here is a screen cap (thank you Lauren for teaching me this) of their site and the contest they set up for NIAW:
Obviously PETA feels that human overpopulation is impacting the animal world and it is better to sterilize than to actually support NIAW. I believe in some of the good work that PETA does, but I definitely feel as they often go to the extreme. This is one of those moments.
It is clear that PETA did not think about what impact this would have on all the men and women battling with this very heartwrenching and difficult disease. They are simply piggy-backing on the honorable intentions set forth by RESOLVE. Sadly with this stunt, many people who would not think or talk about PETA (see most IF blogs) are now thinking and talking about PETA. Even though I do not want to send PETA anymore publicity, I felt this was an important enough message to spread to the readers of this blog (few as you may be).
If you feel so inclined, email PETA president Ingrid Newkirk at ingridn@peta.org.
Before I get too upset, I thought I would give you an update on me. When I last posted, we were in a battle with our insurance over covering our IVF. Monday I received a call from my infertility clinic and they just received notice that the insurance company reconsidered and has okayed us for three IVFs (hopefully one will do the job). I was able to start the process Monday evening as well. As odd as it may seem, the first step was taking birth control pills for about two weeks. I never thought going back on birth control would help have a child, when I used it for so many years to avoid this very outcome. After this comes medication, lots of it, all that needs to taken via injection. I will officially be a pin cushion after this is done. All thoughts and prayers are more than welcome.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
I never dreamed it would be this hard.
In honor of National Infertility Awareness Week coming up later this month (April 24-30), I decided to fully open up about our experience with infertility. After about a year and a half of trying, we are still no closer to having a baby than when we began. I am lucky enough to have the support of family and some friends, as well as some great support groups online. However, I'm hoping this blog will give me an outlet for my emotions, as well as open some peoples eyes about infertility. Because trying to conceive is such a personal battle, infertility is normally something hidden. Because of this, most states don't even see it as valid medical problem, so insurance coverage is almost non-existent. Hopefully I can give someone else comfort, hope, or even simply understanding.
I was always the person who planned every aspect of her life. Even though things didn't turn out the way I expected (I never did have the chance to dance professionally nor did I get a job where I traveled the globe doing public relations), things always turned out the best. I have a job that I love (90% of the time), a condo (a little small, but we own it), and three slightly neurotic but loving cats. On top of this all, I was beyond lucky to find a guy like Sean. He is everything that I could've wished for. He supports me (albeit not as vocally as I would like sometimes), cares for me more than I can say and makes me laugh.
Days into our marriage, we decided to start building our family. This was always something we discussed and wanted. We were beyond excited to get excited and of course our first child would show up a mere nine months later. Over the first few months, we were relaxed about and just let it happen, but it didn't happen. The OCD part of me decided I need more control, so I started reading up and doing everything in my power to make it happen. Of course I would be pregnant by the time school was out that year. Well that timeline flew by. I was slowly passes all the timelines of people around me. Well it took me three months of trying, six months, nine months. All those timelines meant nothing to our attempts.
We went on our first vacation as a couple, Disney World. It was definitely one of my favorite trips I have ever been on. It was a great experience to show Sean the magic for the first time. Of course, a little trip magic was all we needed. But of course, it didn't work.
By this point, we both were getting worried. I started taking some extra vitamens and seeing an acupuncturist. This was something that petrified me, voluntarily getting dozens of needles stuck in my body, no thank you! However, I was getting to a point where I would try anything. Surprisingly, acupuncture quickly began may favorite hour out of the whole week. I attempted to start doing yoga. Any of you who really know me, know how great this went. I think I may have accomplished completing a yoga workout once a month, even that is a stretch.
After talking with my doctor, we were referred to a repoductive endocrinologist, or a fertility specialist. Sean and I both went through a variety of tests. As we anxiously awaited the results, I spent my time on the message boards that have become my support groups and salvation during this whole process. I learned about all the things that could be wrong and how they could be fixed. A few weeks after all the tests, we got our results -- the dreaded unexplained infertility. We were basically told that everything was fine with both of us, we just couldn't get pregnant. Great right? Nothing wrong! Then why can't we be like the other 93% of couples and get pregnant. That would be too easy right?
Right away we began treatments. These involved me taking fertility pills for a few days, have a number of ultrasounds and bloodwork, and then having two back to back inseminations. This gave us a 10-15% of getting pregnant, less than the normal 20% of any regular couple. We went though three months of this treatment.
Every month, as much as we would try not to, we would get excited. Hey we had names picked out, we knew how we would tell everyone, we knew where would take the child(ren) on vacation (Disney World of course), why wouldn't it happen? Sadly, it never did.
We headed back to the doctor for the next step. IVF (In vitro fertilization) would work; it would give us a 50% chance of working. Our doctor was very confident this would work. He even made the comment that I would pregnant by the end of the year. Sadly our insurance did not feel the same way. They want to try some different medication with the inseminations. We suddenly feel like we are being propelled backwards. We are in the middle of a battle with insurance to figure out what we are doing next.
We both feel lost that we can't have a child the way most people do. Why do we have to fall into that 7% of people? What did we do wrong? The answer is nothing. There was nothing that either of us did that put us into this category. We just drew the short straw in the fertility competition. No amount of "relaxing" will make it happen; the chances of us having a "surprise" is 2%.
Sadly, infertility has changed our lives and our marriage. It seems every decision we make, for better or for worse, is based around our infertility. Should we go on vacation this summer? What if it interfers with treatment? Should we make these plans with family? What should I do if I need to take a shot or other medication? With all it negative effects, infertility has given Sean and I something to fight for together. This is something we both want more than anything. I can see it every time I watch Sean play with my cousins or snuggle my friend's new baby. He wants this as bad as I do.
I'm hoping this blog will give me an outlet for my emotions, as well as open some peoples eyes about infertility. Because trying to conceive is such a personal battle, infertility is normally something hidden. Because of this, most states don't even see it as valid medical problem, so insurance coverage is almost non-existent.
I was always the person who planned every aspect of her life. Even though things didn't turn out the way I expected (I never did have the chance to dance professionally nor did I get a job where I traveled the globe doing public relations), things always turned out the best. I have a job that I love (90% of the time), a condo (a little small, but we own it), and three slightly neurotic but loving cats. On top of this all, I was beyond lucky to find a guy like Sean. He is everything that I could've wished for. He supports me (albeit not as vocally as I would like sometimes), cares for me more than I can say and makes me laugh.
Days into our marriage, we decided to start building our family. This was always something we discussed and wanted. We were beyond excited to get excited and of course our first child would show up a mere nine months later. Over the first few months, we were relaxed about and just let it happen, but it didn't happen. The OCD part of me decided I need more control, so I started reading up and doing everything in my power to make it happen. Of course I would be pregnant by the time school was out that year. Well that timeline flew by. I was slowly passes all the timelines of people around me. Well it took me three months of trying, six months, nine months. All those timelines meant nothing to our attempts.
We went on our first vacation as a couple, Disney World. It was definitely one of my favorite trips I have ever been on. It was a great experience to show Sean the magic for the first time. Of course, a little trip magic was all we needed. But of course, it didn't work.
By this point, we both were getting worried. I started taking some extra vitamens and seeing an acupuncturist. This was something that petrified me, voluntarily getting dozens of needles stuck in my body, no thank you! However, I was getting to a point where I would try anything. Surprisingly, acupuncture quickly began may favorite hour out of the whole week. I attempted to start doing yoga. Any of you who really know me, know how great this went. I think I may have accomplished completing a yoga workout once a month, even that is a stretch.
After talking with my doctor, we were referred to a repoductive endocrinologist, or a fertility specialist. Sean and I both went through a variety of tests. As we anxiously awaited the results, I spent my time on the message boards that have become my support groups and salvation during this whole process. I learned about all the things that could be wrong and how they could be fixed. A few weeks after all the tests, we got our results -- the dreaded unexplained infertility. We were basically told that everything was fine with both of us, we just couldn't get pregnant. Great right? Nothing wrong! Then why can't we be like the other 93% of couples and get pregnant. That would be too easy right?
Right away we began treatments. These involved me taking fertility pills for a few days, have a number of ultrasounds and bloodwork, and then having two back to back inseminations. This gave us a 10-15% of getting pregnant, less than the normal 20% of any regular couple. We went though three months of this treatment.
Every month, as much as we would try not to, we would get excited. Hey we had names picked out, we knew how we would tell everyone, we knew where would take the child(ren) on vacation (Disney World of course), why wouldn't it happen? Sadly, it never did.
We headed back to the doctor for the next step. IVF (In vitro fertilization) would work; it would give us a 50% chance of working. Our doctor was very confident this would work. He even made the comment that I would pregnant by the end of the year. Sadly our insurance did not feel the same way. They want to try some different medication with the inseminations. We suddenly feel like we are being propelled backwards. We are in the middle of a battle with insurance to figure out what we are doing next.
We both feel lost that we can't have a child the way most people do. Why do we have to fall into that 7% of people? What did we do wrong? The answer is nothing. There was nothing that either of us did that put us into this category. We just drew the short straw in the fertility competition. No amount of "relaxing" will make it happen; the chances of us having a "surprise" is 2%.
Sadly, infertility has changed our lives and our marriage. It seems every decision we make, for better or for worse, is based around our infertility. Should we go on vacation this summer? What if it interfers with treatment? Should we make these plans with family? What should I do if I need to take a shot or other medication? With all it negative effects, infertility has given Sean and I something to fight for together. This is something we both want more than anything. I can see it every time I watch Sean play with my cousins or snuggle my friend's new baby. He wants this as bad as I do.
I'm hoping this blog will give me an outlet for my emotions, as well as open some peoples eyes about infertility. Because trying to conceive is such a personal battle, infertility is normally something hidden. Because of this, most states don't even see it as valid medical problem, so insurance coverage is almost non-existent.
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