Sean and I are smack in the middle of our next cycle, a frozen embryo cycle. From our fresh cycle, we have three frozen blastocysts. We will be transferring one; we cannot even think about what our lives with twins would be like; we don't even want to take the chance.
My emotions and thoughts about this cycle are really all over the place. We have never had blastocysts to transfer at all during our infertility journey. This time we have three almost perfect ones frozen. Since the last time we froze our embryos, great advances have been made in the ways embryos are frozen and thawed. In theory, these blastocysts should give us almost as good as a chance to get pregnant as a fresh cycle. Some studies say that frozen cycles now are more successful, because they put less stress on you body. This would also be the last cycle that would give us decent timing with school. I would be due the beginning of June, so I would have a few weeks of maternity leave and then the summer. Not the best, but still better than the next few months would give me. All of this is making me very positive and happy about the cycle. This is also technically cycle 4 (including our canceled cycle); I got pregnant with Olivia on our 4th cycle the first time through.
On the other hand, I'm still struggling with all the babies that around us. There were numerous pregnant bellies welcoming me back to work. My facebook feed is filled with new babies, many of which have siblings Olivia's age. It is a continual reminder of what others can have and we can't. This is not a thought I want to focus on, but it help but creep up. Cycling, no matter how easy, also puts a lot of strain on our day to day life. I find that I am more tired and less patient with Olivia's toddler actions (this may be due to the medications, being back to work, lack of caffeine or a combination). It is not fair that she often pays a price for our infertility issues. All this just compounds to make the cycle even harder to deal with.
No matter my feelings, we are pushing forward with the cycle. Our transfer is scheduled for Saturday, September 19th. A weekend actually throws in new challenges that a weekday does not. Any given weekday, coverage for Olivia is already set. Now that it is Saturday; we struggled to find someone to watch. If everything goes well, they will thaw one blastocysts and transfer it. If the blastocyst doesn't thaw correctly, they will thaw a second and transfer the one that survives.
Hopefully this will be it for us and won't need to do any more cycles. If it doesn't work, I am seriously thinking about taking a break and meeting with the doctor again. This will be our 3rd failed cycle (2 frozen and 1 fresh). After 3 cycles last time (2 fresh 1 frozen), I changed clinics. I have no desire to go back to a clinic that only does ART, but I definitely would like to try a different protocol. Also I don't want to have the chance to give birth in the summer (especially July) since it would give me no maternity leave other than summer break.
We will see. Please send me all your fertile thoughts on Friday!
Monday, September 14, 2015
Thursday, August 20, 2015
It's just as difficult as before
This cycle I began so confident. This is exactly the protocol that gave me Olivia after 3 failed IUIs and failed IVFs. When I found out that we had 3 perfect frozen blastocysts, I was even more confident. Then it came closer to my testing time. I had none of the symptoms that I had when I was pregnant with Olivia. I still refused to test; I held out hope that it still could be positive.
I woke up Monday morning with a really split mind; I was 50% sure it work and 50% sure it failed. I got myself together and went in for my blood test. Luckily the nurse called me early to put me out of misery. The test was negative; I was not pregnant. The "perfect" protocol didn't work. The strong embryo that was transferred didn't work. There is no way of us knowing what went wrong. The embryo could have just arrested. The assisted hatching may not have fully worked. The uterine lining may not have been the right thickness. It just didn't work.
I was heart broken. This cycle was perfect for so many reasons. It put a lot of stress on my family to complete a fresh cycle. I was stressed and everyone else fed off that. This is not something I would want to go through again, so it had to work. This cycle would have given me an end of April baby, which is perfect for a teacher. My maternity leave would bring me to the end of school. I would have a full 8 weeks to bond with the new baby while Olivia was still in day care. Then I would get the summer to bond with both of them. We only did one frozen and one fresh cycle; this would be easy for us. This cycle was just supposed to be the one, and it wasn't.
I just felt numb but needed to keep it together as much as I could, especially around Olivia. She knew something was wrong even when I called my mother to tell her. They were in the car together and at hearing my voice, Olivia asked "Mommy what is wrong? Your voice sounds funny." There is no hiding anything from her. So I bottled up as much as I could, but it ended up coming out that night. I spent the night going through all the emotions that I hide away all day. I thought about the fact that we have an empty room that really has no purpose. I thought about the fact that Olivia needs a sibling. I thought about the fact our family isn't complete. I thought about the fact that so many people don't even come close to having to struggle with this. Why do we?
Then I started going through all the things I did wrong. I mean, there had to be something I did right? There was a strong living embryo transferred and something happened within my body that stopped it from becoming a child. Did I not enough healthy food? Should I have avoided eating ice cream and drinking cold water which cooled my uterus? Should I have worn socks all the time? Should I have done my mediation every night? Should I have eaten more orange foods after transfer? Should I have drank more pomegranate juice prior to transfer? Should I have tried not to get so stressed when Olivia was having temper tantrums? Should I have not allowed her to snuggle on me much? Should I have watched how I played with her? Honestly I know deep down that I have done nothing to cause this to happen. IVF is not a 100% guarantee of a pregnancy. It doesn't make me feel any less guilty and less out of control.
So where do we go from here? We have decided to go into one more frozen cycle before we take a break and revisit it all. We have chosen not to meet with the doctor again before the cycle. This appointment would push back the start date until next cycle which would give us a summer baby (sad that I really need to think about that). We also know what frozen cycle entails even though this time we are using a blastocyst not an embryo. Also what could the doctor possibly tell us? There is no reason why it's not working. If the next cycle doesn't work, I am going to ask for an appointment. There must be something else going on.
As soon as we get approval from insurance we will begin our frozen cycle. Because there is a new way of freezing the embryos, there is a much higher chance of survival and success rates are almost comparable to fresh cycle. The cycle will follow the same protocol as the previous cycles: baseline bloodwork, estrogen, ultrasound, progesterone. Simple. Hopefully this one works. It's getting very hard to have to keep failing when we keep getting lapped by others.
I woke up Monday morning with a really split mind; I was 50% sure it work and 50% sure it failed. I got myself together and went in for my blood test. Luckily the nurse called me early to put me out of misery. The test was negative; I was not pregnant. The "perfect" protocol didn't work. The strong embryo that was transferred didn't work. There is no way of us knowing what went wrong. The embryo could have just arrested. The assisted hatching may not have fully worked. The uterine lining may not have been the right thickness. It just didn't work.
I was heart broken. This cycle was perfect for so many reasons. It put a lot of stress on my family to complete a fresh cycle. I was stressed and everyone else fed off that. This is not something I would want to go through again, so it had to work. This cycle would have given me an end of April baby, which is perfect for a teacher. My maternity leave would bring me to the end of school. I would have a full 8 weeks to bond with the new baby while Olivia was still in day care. Then I would get the summer to bond with both of them. We only did one frozen and one fresh cycle; this would be easy for us. This cycle was just supposed to be the one, and it wasn't.
I just felt numb but needed to keep it together as much as I could, especially around Olivia. She knew something was wrong even when I called my mother to tell her. They were in the car together and at hearing my voice, Olivia asked "Mommy what is wrong? Your voice sounds funny." There is no hiding anything from her. So I bottled up as much as I could, but it ended up coming out that night. I spent the night going through all the emotions that I hide away all day. I thought about the fact that we have an empty room that really has no purpose. I thought about the fact that Olivia needs a sibling. I thought about the fact our family isn't complete. I thought about the fact that so many people don't even come close to having to struggle with this. Why do we?
Then I started going through all the things I did wrong. I mean, there had to be something I did right? There was a strong living embryo transferred and something happened within my body that stopped it from becoming a child. Did I not enough healthy food? Should I have avoided eating ice cream and drinking cold water which cooled my uterus? Should I have worn socks all the time? Should I have done my mediation every night? Should I have eaten more orange foods after transfer? Should I have drank more pomegranate juice prior to transfer? Should I have tried not to get so stressed when Olivia was having temper tantrums? Should I have not allowed her to snuggle on me much? Should I have watched how I played with her? Honestly I know deep down that I have done nothing to cause this to happen. IVF is not a 100% guarantee of a pregnancy. It doesn't make me feel any less guilty and less out of control.
So where do we go from here? We have decided to go into one more frozen cycle before we take a break and revisit it all. We have chosen not to meet with the doctor again before the cycle. This appointment would push back the start date until next cycle which would give us a summer baby (sad that I really need to think about that). We also know what frozen cycle entails even though this time we are using a blastocyst not an embryo. Also what could the doctor possibly tell us? There is no reason why it's not working. If the next cycle doesn't work, I am going to ask for an appointment. There must be something else going on.
As soon as we get approval from insurance we will begin our frozen cycle. Because there is a new way of freezing the embryos, there is a much higher chance of survival and success rates are almost comparable to fresh cycle. The cycle will follow the same protocol as the previous cycles: baseline bloodwork, estrogen, ultrasound, progesterone. Simple. Hopefully this one works. It's getting very hard to have to keep failing when we keep getting lapped by others.
Friday, August 14, 2015
Walk of Hope
I know that I said I would be taking a break from blogging during my 2 week wait, but this post isn't about my cycle; it's about something more important: RESOLVE New England Walk of Hope.
Before I ask for your support, I want to give you a little background on the organization and the walk.
RESOLVE:
According to their website, RESOLVE is "non-profit organization with the only established, nationwide network mandated to promote reproductive health and to ensure equal access to all family building options for men and women experiencing infertility or other reproductive disorders."
The organization works to help support men and women are dealing with infertility. They offer support groups, as well as advocacy groups. The organization also helps to empower men and women to raise awareness about infertility on local and national stages.
WALK OF HOPE:
The walk is "one morning, one mile to unite one community". Not only is the walk a major fundraiser for RESOLVE, but it is also an opportunities for members of the infertility community to meet and support each other, no matter where they are in the journey. Fur babies and ART babies, alike, are welcome to join their families.
The money raised from the walk is used to support all the RESOLVE programming including support groups, up-to-date information and advocacy.
This is the first time that the Walk of Hope has been held in the New England area. It will be held on September 27th (a fantastic date...also my birthday) at the Endicott Estate in Dedham, MA.
I have created a team (Works of ART). Please consider donating or joining our team. I would love to have you all. I will provide T-shirts and breakfast to all that want to walk with us.
Check out my team website at: Team Work of ART home page
(http://familybuilding.resolve.org/goto/teamworkofart)
Now a brief update on me: Nothing much to say I will have my pregnancy test drawn on Monday. I really don't have a feeling one way or the other. Some days I'm convinced it work; others I'm convinced it didn't. There really is no telling since mother nature was so nice to make early pregnancy symptoms almost identical to PMS symptoms. Tired: Check. Cranky: Check. Crampy: Check. At this point in time your guess is as good as mine, but I'm hoping I will have TWO works of ART by the time walk comes around.
To find about more about RESOLVE or the Walk of Hope, visit the Resolve homepage: http://www.resolve.org/
Before I ask for your support, I want to give you a little background on the organization and the walk.
RESOLVE:
According to their website, RESOLVE is "non-profit organization with the only established, nationwide network mandated to promote reproductive health and to ensure equal access to all family building options for men and women experiencing infertility or other reproductive disorders."
The organization works to help support men and women are dealing with infertility. They offer support groups, as well as advocacy groups. The organization also helps to empower men and women to raise awareness about infertility on local and national stages.
WALK OF HOPE:
The walk is "one morning, one mile to unite one community". Not only is the walk a major fundraiser for RESOLVE, but it is also an opportunities for members of the infertility community to meet and support each other, no matter where they are in the journey. Fur babies and ART babies, alike, are welcome to join their families.
The money raised from the walk is used to support all the RESOLVE programming including support groups, up-to-date information and advocacy.
This is the first time that the Walk of Hope has been held in the New England area. It will be held on September 27th (a fantastic date...also my birthday) at the Endicott Estate in Dedham, MA.
I have created a team (Works of ART). Please consider donating or joining our team. I would love to have you all. I will provide T-shirts and breakfast to all that want to walk with us.
Check out my team website at: Team Work of ART home page
(http://familybuilding.resolve.org/goto/teamworkofart)
Now a brief update on me: Nothing much to say I will have my pregnancy test drawn on Monday. I really don't have a feeling one way or the other. Some days I'm convinced it work; others I'm convinced it didn't. There really is no telling since mother nature was so nice to make early pregnancy symptoms almost identical to PMS symptoms. Tired: Check. Cranky: Check. Crampy: Check. At this point in time your guess is as good as mine, but I'm hoping I will have TWO works of ART by the time walk comes around.
To find about more about RESOLVE or the Walk of Hope, visit the Resolve homepage: http://www.resolve.org/
Tuesday, August 4, 2015
It's now a waiting game
After waiting what felt like weeks, Sean and I made our way into Boston for our embryo transfer. We were told to be there at 11 for a noon transfer. If our retrieval was any clue, we should have showed up 30 minutes late. Actually we should have showed up 100 minutes late! That's right they kept infertility patients waiting well over an hour and a half. I made sure I had done my relaxation mediation on the way there, but that was basically out the window. I did the best I could to keep my mind and body relaxed. It wasn't easy with someone huffing and puffing next to me (I'm not naming names).
Thankfully, the nurse brought us back and we didn't have to wait much longer. Sean got into his scrubs and I got into my lovely hospital gown. The doctor came back and showed us our embryo. It was a perfect 8 cell embryo. It was time for us to get back into the OR.
Prior to transferring the embryo, the embryologists performed a procedure called assisted hatching. During the procedure the embryologist uses a pipette to hold one side of the embryo while a section of the other side of the "shell" is dissolved.
The procedure helps to assist the embryo to break out of the shell and develop into a blastocyst. We had this done with our last fresh cycle that gave us Olivia; this was the change that did the trick the first time around.
The actual transfer process is very easy. It takes longer to be set up than it does to transfer the embryo. I went in and the nurse helped get me in the stirrups and get my body in the correct position. Once this is done, the doctor does a sample transfer with an empty catheter. Then the embryologist brings in the "loaded" catheter. As the doctor transfers the embryo, the nurse is using an ultrasound to help guide him. Our nurse took a picture of the moment the embryo actually left the catheter. It looks like a little shooting star. We then wait for 2 minutes and the doctor removes the catheter and the embryologist checks to make sure it's empty. I then stay sitting for a few minutes well the room is straightened and then I'm up and out. Easy!
There is one more difference from my previous cycles: NO RESTRICTIONS! In my previous cycles before Olivia was born, I always had 24 hours of bed rest and then 24 hours of modified rest. After that I had to continue to take it easy and couldn't exercise or lift anything over 20 pounds. With my frozen transfers I just assumed things were the same. Because of that, I often carried a lot of guilt about picking up Olivia and basically being a mom. I decided to talk to my nurse. My rules were to take the rest of the day to relax and then don't do any exercise that includes bouncing. The exercise rule had nothing to do with injuring the pregnancy but with the swollen ovaries. It will take about a month for my grapefruit size ovaries to shrink back down to normal; prior to that they could twist which can cause some major issues. Honestly, these are easy rules for me to follow. I don't exercise more than just walking, and they allow me to go back to my life without guilt. I can pick up Olivia and actually be her mom without wondering if I am causing this cycle to fail, which I won't know one way or the other until the 17th.
Does that seem as far away to you as it does to me? I try not to test before hand, but I don't know how well I will do with this cycle. I have a lot of confidence that this will work, which isn't always the best thing. Positive thoughts over the next two weeks!
I may or may not blog during that, but if I do, I probably will not share it since the bulk of my story is over. Hopefully in a few weeks I will be bringing you all a celebratory post. However until then I want to leave you with our perfect 8 cell embryo (Sean named it Caesar because I won't let that into consideration for a boy's name). Notice the little mark on the right side; that is the assisting hatching.
Thankfully, the nurse brought us back and we didn't have to wait much longer. Sean got into his scrubs and I got into my lovely hospital gown. The doctor came back and showed us our embryo. It was a perfect 8 cell embryo. It was time for us to get back into the OR.
Prior to transferring the embryo, the embryologists performed a procedure called assisted hatching. During the procedure the embryologist uses a pipette to hold one side of the embryo while a section of the other side of the "shell" is dissolved.
The actual transfer process is very easy. It takes longer to be set up than it does to transfer the embryo. I went in and the nurse helped get me in the stirrups and get my body in the correct position. Once this is done, the doctor does a sample transfer with an empty catheter. Then the embryologist brings in the "loaded" catheter. As the doctor transfers the embryo, the nurse is using an ultrasound to help guide him. Our nurse took a picture of the moment the embryo actually left the catheter. It looks like a little shooting star. We then wait for 2 minutes and the doctor removes the catheter and the embryologist checks to make sure it's empty. I then stay sitting for a few minutes well the room is straightened and then I'm up and out. Easy!
There is one more difference from my previous cycles: NO RESTRICTIONS! In my previous cycles before Olivia was born, I always had 24 hours of bed rest and then 24 hours of modified rest. After that I had to continue to take it easy and couldn't exercise or lift anything over 20 pounds. With my frozen transfers I just assumed things were the same. Because of that, I often carried a lot of guilt about picking up Olivia and basically being a mom. I decided to talk to my nurse. My rules were to take the rest of the day to relax and then don't do any exercise that includes bouncing. The exercise rule had nothing to do with injuring the pregnancy but with the swollen ovaries. It will take about a month for my grapefruit size ovaries to shrink back down to normal; prior to that they could twist which can cause some major issues. Honestly, these are easy rules for me to follow. I don't exercise more than just walking, and they allow me to go back to my life without guilt. I can pick up Olivia and actually be her mom without wondering if I am causing this cycle to fail, which I won't know one way or the other until the 17th.
Does that seem as far away to you as it does to me? I try not to test before hand, but I don't know how well I will do with this cycle. I have a lot of confidence that this will work, which isn't always the best thing. Positive thoughts over the next two weeks!
I may or may not blog during that, but if I do, I probably will not share it since the bulk of my story is over. Hopefully in a few weeks I will be bringing you all a celebratory post. However until then I want to leave you with our perfect 8 cell embryo (Sean named it Caesar because I won't let that into consideration for a boy's name). Notice the little mark on the right side; that is the assisting hatching.
Saturday, August 1, 2015
Enough eggs for an entire bakery!
Yesterday, Sean and I woke up early (Hello 5:15!) to head into Boston for my egg retrieval. I was the first of the day, so they brought me right in got me prepped for surgery. In addition to all the normal taking of vitals and putting in an IV, my nurse also fully instructed me on Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome (OHSS).
As mentioned by my cycle nurse, I am at a high risk for this because of the number of measurable follicles and high estrogen levels. OHSS causes your body to deal with liquids in a different manner and causes liquid to pool in the abdomen. For many people, this simply causes bloating and some pain. Others may need to go to the hospital to have the liquid drained. Others may even need to be admitted to deal with issue. Whatever the case, getting pregnant while dealing with OHSS is not a great idea. The HCG (pregnancy hormone) causes the OHSS to become worse. This is one of the reasons why I only did a half a dose of the HCG trigger. This is also why it would be not be a great idea to transfer an embryo if I was showing symptoms. That would mean we would need to freeze all the embryos and do a frozen transfer. Hearing that news my heart dropped! I have not had a good history with frozen transfers. Two I transferred only okay embryos and one I didn't transfer anything. I know changes have been made, but I do NOT want to have gone through all this to not have a fresh cycle.
Not long after, I was brought into the operating room, and there was a flurry of commotion: doctor checking my cervix and uterus and all the machines, nurse getting my legs and body situated, anesthesiologists getting ready to put me asleep for the procedure. I don't remember much of anything after that except I was dreaming about Olivia. If I remember correctly, my first words to the nurse after I woke up was about her. Hopefully that was a good sign.
When I woke up a little more, I got the total of eggs retrieved. Ready for it? 28!! How in the world was that possible? I only had 20 measurable follicles two days earlier! How did that happen? I guess it explains my crazy high estrogen level; this is at least double what I have had before and almost 3 times what they want to see. First thoughts to that were...uh oh! I'm sure that not all the eggs were mature; if fact, I would not be surprised if about 10 weren't mature.
The doctor came not long after to discuss our options. He had spoken to my personal doctor, and they have created a plan. I will be taking a new medication (caberglobine) to help reduce any liquid that may pool. I am also drinking almost my weight in Gatorade. The association of reproductive medication recommends drinking over 120 ounces daily for each of the days following retrieval to help. I am also drinking a couple protein shakes to help. I supposed to look for excessive bloating, weight gain of a couple pounds within a day (though my body does that anyways), sharp pains in the abdomen and dehydration.
At the time he said to help make sure they don't transfer before the symptoms arrive, we need to wait until day 5 to transfer. Cue another panic. We did not have good luck with day five transfers in the past, though MANY things have changed in the four years since we last tried. If symptoms do show, the embryos will be frozen and the OHSS will be taken care of before we do a transfer.
Now how did those 28 eggs do with fertilization? 25 of them were mature and were injected with sperm and 23 became fertilized. Fantastic news, right? Then the on call doctor told me that we would be doing a 3dt or freezing on day 3. I had no clue where this came. I was told that this was in no way a possibility. The on call called the doctor who did my egg retrieval yesterday to try to figure out what was going on. According to her, he and my personal doc went back in forth for quite awhile yesterday afternoon trying to figure out the best plan. Great right? I'm glad they took the time, but at the same time the one thing I was told that wouldn't really be taken into consideration at all is the one thing that is pushing decision: my previous attempt at 5 day transfer at my old clinic.
If you remember from earlier posts, it was my concern about this that pushed us to want to do a 3 day transfer originally. My doctor said that she was doing that for us even though she was totally confident that enough has changed in the 4 years since then that the results would be different. I guess looking back at this changed her mind.
This means that I am going in for a 3 day transfer of one embryo on Monday. If I show ANY signs of OHSS then they will freeze all on day 3. There lies my issue with all of this. If we have to freeze all, I do not want to have to freeze with day 3 embryos. I have had 3 frozen cycles all with less than ideal thaw results. I do not want to deal with that about 11 times! I can't believe we are facing another cycle that is basically a waste. I also know that I cannot handle having over a year's worth of frozen cycles before we can try a fresh again. This cycle is such a whirlwind. I have gone from feeling confident to distraught and back too many times. I'm hoping for good news but preparing for the worse. Hopefully I will be coming home with a strong embryo for the last time because I'm not sure how much more I can put myself through. I don't know if I can deal with how bad of a mother and wife it makes.
As mentioned by my cycle nurse, I am at a high risk for this because of the number of measurable follicles and high estrogen levels. OHSS causes your body to deal with liquids in a different manner and causes liquid to pool in the abdomen. For many people, this simply causes bloating and some pain. Others may need to go to the hospital to have the liquid drained. Others may even need to be admitted to deal with issue. Whatever the case, getting pregnant while dealing with OHSS is not a great idea. The HCG (pregnancy hormone) causes the OHSS to become worse. This is one of the reasons why I only did a half a dose of the HCG trigger. This is also why it would be not be a great idea to transfer an embryo if I was showing symptoms. That would mean we would need to freeze all the embryos and do a frozen transfer. Hearing that news my heart dropped! I have not had a good history with frozen transfers. Two I transferred only okay embryos and one I didn't transfer anything. I know changes have been made, but I do NOT want to have gone through all this to not have a fresh cycle.
Not long after, I was brought into the operating room, and there was a flurry of commotion: doctor checking my cervix and uterus and all the machines, nurse getting my legs and body situated, anesthesiologists getting ready to put me asleep for the procedure. I don't remember much of anything after that except I was dreaming about Olivia. If I remember correctly, my first words to the nurse after I woke up was about her. Hopefully that was a good sign.
When I woke up a little more, I got the total of eggs retrieved. Ready for it? 28!! How in the world was that possible? I only had 20 measurable follicles two days earlier! How did that happen? I guess it explains my crazy high estrogen level; this is at least double what I have had before and almost 3 times what they want to see. First thoughts to that were...uh oh! I'm sure that not all the eggs were mature; if fact, I would not be surprised if about 10 weren't mature.
The doctor came not long after to discuss our options. He had spoken to my personal doctor, and they have created a plan. I will be taking a new medication (caberglobine) to help reduce any liquid that may pool. I am also drinking almost my weight in Gatorade. The association of reproductive medication recommends drinking over 120 ounces daily for each of the days following retrieval to help. I am also drinking a couple protein shakes to help. I supposed to look for excessive bloating, weight gain of a couple pounds within a day (though my body does that anyways), sharp pains in the abdomen and dehydration.
At the time he said to help make sure they don't transfer before the symptoms arrive, we need to wait until day 5 to transfer. Cue another panic. We did not have good luck with day five transfers in the past, though MANY things have changed in the four years since we last tried. If symptoms do show, the embryos will be frozen and the OHSS will be taken care of before we do a transfer.
Now how did those 28 eggs do with fertilization? 25 of them were mature and were injected with sperm and 23 became fertilized. Fantastic news, right? Then the on call doctor told me that we would be doing a 3dt or freezing on day 3. I had no clue where this came. I was told that this was in no way a possibility. The on call called the doctor who did my egg retrieval yesterday to try to figure out what was going on. According to her, he and my personal doc went back in forth for quite awhile yesterday afternoon trying to figure out the best plan. Great right? I'm glad they took the time, but at the same time the one thing I was told that wouldn't really be taken into consideration at all is the one thing that is pushing decision: my previous attempt at 5 day transfer at my old clinic.
If you remember from earlier posts, it was my concern about this that pushed us to want to do a 3 day transfer originally. My doctor said that she was doing that for us even though she was totally confident that enough has changed in the 4 years since then that the results would be different. I guess looking back at this changed her mind.
This means that I am going in for a 3 day transfer of one embryo on Monday. If I show ANY signs of OHSS then they will freeze all on day 3. There lies my issue with all of this. If we have to freeze all, I do not want to have to freeze with day 3 embryos. I have had 3 frozen cycles all with less than ideal thaw results. I do not want to deal with that about 11 times! I can't believe we are facing another cycle that is basically a waste. I also know that I cannot handle having over a year's worth of frozen cycles before we can try a fresh again. This cycle is such a whirlwind. I have gone from feeling confident to distraught and back too many times. I'm hoping for good news but preparing for the worse. Hopefully I will be coming home with a strong embryo for the last time because I'm not sure how much more I can put myself through. I don't know if I can deal with how bad of a mother and wife it makes.
Thursday, July 30, 2015
A day without shots....what?
You read that right! Today I will not have a single needle injected into my body. It seems strange. (Which when you think about it strange in and of itself; I really want to give myself an injection....I need help!). The reason for the needless day is that I triggered yesterday. Triggering is an injection of HCG that instructs the body to release all the eggs that have been developed. This is specifically timed with egg retrieval occurring 36 hours later. I took the injection at 8:30 last night, and I will be going into the operating room for my retrieval at 8:30.
The HCG shot was different than all the others I have been giving myself over the last few weeks. For both my lupron and gonal injections, I had a nice little needle like this:
How did they know I was ready for injection? I have been going into Foxboro for monitoring (blood work and ultrasound) over the last couple days. I had four appointments in total (Friday, Sunday, Tuesday and Wednesday). At these appointment they test my estrogen level and count and measure the follicles in my ovaries. At the final appointment, I had 10 measureable follicles in each ovary, so instead of feeling like this:
The HCG shot was different than all the others I have been giving myself over the last few weeks. For both my lupron and gonal injections, I had a nice little needle like this:
Cute isn't it? It would go into my stomach. I would barely bleed (most days not all) and it wouldn't hurt...honestly.
Now my HCG gets injected intramuscularly (which means in my butt cheek) so it needs a slightly larger needle like this:
Definitely a little more scary! I won't lie these ones do hurt, but I try to ice it before hand (don't tell Olivia I use her Sofia the First BooBoo buddy) and it isn't as bad. We used this "little" needle to inject 50,000 units of HCG into my body exactly at 8:30. Now we wait and hope all things work the way they should.
How did they know I was ready for injection? I have been going into Foxboro for monitoring (blood work and ultrasound) over the last couple days. I had four appointments in total (Friday, Sunday, Tuesday and Wednesday). At these appointment they test my estrogen level and count and measure the follicles in my ovaries. At the final appointment, I had 10 measureable follicles in each ovary, so instead of feeling like this:
Lots of room for the few follicles to grow. I was feeling more like this:
No room for anymore growth or actually any movement. I am definitely bloated and uncomfortable, though Olivia seems to think my stomach is a great pillow to jump on. Gee thanks kid!
My estrogen level was the thing that really made them to push me to retrieval on Friday and not Saturday. My estrogen is 3,500 and they don't like seeing it over 3,000. It strange that my estrogen was low throughout both frozen cycles and now it sky rockets to possibly unhealthy levels. High estrogen can lead to Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome, which can be painful at best and deadly at worse. The nurse said that there is a chance I could have a mild case after retrieval. To help fight against this, they gave me half a dose of HCG. Instead of the normal 100,000 units I only took 50,000.
Getting this news sent me to the one place that I shouldn't have gone: Google. I have been reading all sorts of things about OHSS and high estrogen at trigger. It can lead to poor egg quality and even early delivery if the embryo takes; it can push the RE to freeze all the embryos and not transfer anything. After fully freaking myself out (You would think I would know not to go on Google!), I backed up and figured if it was going to be a huge issue (including possible complete freeze of the embryos) my nurse would've said something....right? I will ask the nurse when I go in on Friday, but before that I will stock up on protein shakes and gatorade, both which help to ward off OHSS after retrieval.
I will give you all an update when I am done on Friday and am able to write coherent thought. I will probably do a couple short posts for the retrieval and fertility report. Send me all your positive thoughts for a good retrieval, strong eggs, and good fertilization.
Tuesday, July 28, 2015
New cycle a little different than the old cycle
I've done this before and was actually successful one; I can totally handle this....maybe. For the most part this cycle is the same as the one that gave us Olivia. The only the medication that I am not taking this cycle is an antibiotic after retrieval. When I asked about the change, my doctor fully explained to me about the various studies that have been done over the last few years that show that the antibiotic is not helpful during IVF. This is one of the reasons I chose Brigham and Women's; they are continuing to research and improve on their abilities.
My doctor has also been playing with my dosage of gonal. I was supposed to start at 225 units, but after my baseline, my doctor lowered the dosage to 187 units. I had a quite a few follicles so she wanted to take it slow. I went in for my first follicle check after 4 days of stimulation. I had only one follicle on each side, so my dosage went up to 225 to stimulate some of the "lazy" follicles that didn't want to grow. Two days later I returned for another check and it worked! I had a total of 12 follicles that had grown and still had quite a few smaller ones left. To ensure that too many didn't pop up, my dosage was dropped back down to 187 units. Ovarian stimulation is a careful dance between enough mature follicles and too many. Not enough can lead to not enough mature eggs and lower chances of having success; too many can lead to poor quality eggs which can also lower chances of success. I am actually glad with my yoyo dosage; it proves to me that she is actually looking at my scans and thinking about my cycle as a whole. It's not just "continue with the plan".
While these are only small changes to my protocol, there definitely is a few things that I forgot. I remember feeling full and uncomfortable, but it wasn't as bad as I remembered right? It was only a couple days, right? Not so much! I am currently on day 8 of stimulation, and I can definitely say I'm uncomfortable. During a normal cycle, your body produces 1 follicles right now I have 12 follicles growing and a handful that are still small. There is only so much room in my body for all these to go, so it is becoming difficult to sit and to carry Olivia.
This brings me to another difference with my earlier cycles: a toddler! Having a very active (very clingy) toddler while completing a fresh IVF cycle is definitely taxing. Not only are my hormones all out of wack and I'm growing more eggs than any chicken in my ovaries, I need to entertain and care for an almost 3 year old. In previous cycles, I could come home and relax when I was too sore to move or I could take a nap if I was tired from the medication and early morning monitoring. These things aren't allowed with a toddler. I have been trying to plan activities and go places because hopefully there will be other children or adults to help entertain Olivia. Now I understand this sounds terrible and like I want to pawn my toddler off on other people, but it's not. I can be a better mother if Olivia can play independently or with a friend even a few minutes at a time. At home when it is just her and I, I normally don't get any of these moments. It also helps me from having to come up with creative ways to entertain Olivia when I'm so tired I can barely function. (Yes movies and TV have been part of my plan as well...MOTY I know).
Having Olivia with me also makes this cycle a lot easier. With previous cycles, my IVF protocol and what was happening or could go wrong was on my mind 100% of the time. This cycle I don't think about it constantly because I have a lovely distraction and IVF miracle with me most of the day. While I'm still trying to do all the helpful things through this cycle (drinking pomegranate juice, drinking fertility tea, eating eggs and avocados, and meditating) I find I'm not able to do it every day and you know what that is okay. My whole self-being isn't hinging on the success of this cycle. Would I be heartbroken if the cycle didn't work? Of course! However the emotions are different the second time through. Firstly, I know it can work. I know it can work with this doctor at this hospital because it did. I have living (and talking) proof of that. I'm no longer in the "could it?" stage. Secondly, if we could never have another child, we would actually be okay with that. Yes we want another child, and I know something would feel off if it didn't; however, we have Olivia and she could be enough if that is all we are able to have. All this doesn't mean that we won't put all we have into trying for a second, but the need isn't as dire.
I went in this morning for my third follicle check. I am feeling very full and uncomfortable. According to the ultrasound tech, "it looks like it's time". It is definitely up to the doctor when to trigger, but it could be this week. If I trigger tonight, the retrieval will be on Thursday. If I'm not quite there, I may have to go back in tomorrow or Thursday for more monitoring. I will keep you updated!
My doctor has also been playing with my dosage of gonal. I was supposed to start at 225 units, but after my baseline, my doctor lowered the dosage to 187 units. I had a quite a few follicles so she wanted to take it slow. I went in for my first follicle check after 4 days of stimulation. I had only one follicle on each side, so my dosage went up to 225 to stimulate some of the "lazy" follicles that didn't want to grow. Two days later I returned for another check and it worked! I had a total of 12 follicles that had grown and still had quite a few smaller ones left. To ensure that too many didn't pop up, my dosage was dropped back down to 187 units. Ovarian stimulation is a careful dance between enough mature follicles and too many. Not enough can lead to not enough mature eggs and lower chances of having success; too many can lead to poor quality eggs which can also lower chances of success. I am actually glad with my yoyo dosage; it proves to me that she is actually looking at my scans and thinking about my cycle as a whole. It's not just "continue with the plan".
While these are only small changes to my protocol, there definitely is a few things that I forgot. I remember feeling full and uncomfortable, but it wasn't as bad as I remembered right? It was only a couple days, right? Not so much! I am currently on day 8 of stimulation, and I can definitely say I'm uncomfortable. During a normal cycle, your body produces 1 follicles right now I have 12 follicles growing and a handful that are still small. There is only so much room in my body for all these to go, so it is becoming difficult to sit and to carry Olivia.
This brings me to another difference with my earlier cycles: a toddler! Having a very active (very clingy) toddler while completing a fresh IVF cycle is definitely taxing. Not only are my hormones all out of wack and I'm growing more eggs than any chicken in my ovaries, I need to entertain and care for an almost 3 year old. In previous cycles, I could come home and relax when I was too sore to move or I could take a nap if I was tired from the medication and early morning monitoring. These things aren't allowed with a toddler. I have been trying to plan activities and go places because hopefully there will be other children or adults to help entertain Olivia. Now I understand this sounds terrible and like I want to pawn my toddler off on other people, but it's not. I can be a better mother if Olivia can play independently or with a friend even a few minutes at a time. At home when it is just her and I, I normally don't get any of these moments. It also helps me from having to come up with creative ways to entertain Olivia when I'm so tired I can barely function. (Yes movies and TV have been part of my plan as well...MOTY I know).
Having Olivia with me also makes this cycle a lot easier. With previous cycles, my IVF protocol and what was happening or could go wrong was on my mind 100% of the time. This cycle I don't think about it constantly because I have a lovely distraction and IVF miracle with me most of the day. While I'm still trying to do all the helpful things through this cycle (drinking pomegranate juice, drinking fertility tea, eating eggs and avocados, and meditating) I find I'm not able to do it every day and you know what that is okay. My whole self-being isn't hinging on the success of this cycle. Would I be heartbroken if the cycle didn't work? Of course! However the emotions are different the second time through. Firstly, I know it can work. I know it can work with this doctor at this hospital because it did. I have living (and talking) proof of that. I'm no longer in the "could it?" stage. Secondly, if we could never have another child, we would actually be okay with that. Yes we want another child, and I know something would feel off if it didn't; however, we have Olivia and she could be enough if that is all we are able to have. All this doesn't mean that we won't put all we have into trying for a second, but the need isn't as dire.
I went in this morning for my third follicle check. I am feeling very full and uncomfortable. According to the ultrasound tech, "it looks like it's time". It is definitely up to the doctor when to trigger, but it could be this week. If I trigger tonight, the retrieval will be on Thursday. If I'm not quite there, I may have to go back in tomorrow or Thursday for more monitoring. I will keep you updated!
Monday, July 20, 2015
It's officially starting!
I went in for testing bright and early this morning for what is called baseline testing. This blood test and ultrasound checks to make sure that all the hormone levels are normal and everything in the uterus and ovaries is clear.
Like everything else with IVF, it is a process of hurry up and wait. I woke up at 5:30 to make sure I got to the clinic in time to get the early morning testing done. Then I had to wait until the nurse calls later in the day. Thankfully I had swim class and some pool time to keep me occupied. However, if all the pregnant ladies who have toddlers Olivia's age could stay home, I would appreciate it. Just another reminder that all we have to go through is NOT how most couples grow their families.
I received good news from the nurse. Everything looks good, so I can start my stimulating medication (Gonal F) tonight. In fact everything looks so good, I will take a lower dosage than originally prescribed. The doctor said there were quite a few follicles ready to grown in both ovaries, so she wanted to go slower than in my previous cycle. This is where IVF is a fine science. You want multiple follicles to grow and mature, but too many follicles growing can lead to poor quality or a condition call Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome, which can be very dangerous.
I now get to take two shots per day. I have been taking 10 units of Lupron every morning for the last 13 days. The shots really aren't that bad. It is a small needle that goes right under the skin.
This is the drug that will keep me from ovulating all those mature eggs prior to egg retrieval. Starting tomorrow morning, my dosage will drop to 5 units.
My other shot will take place in the evening. Gonal F is a delivered by a "pen". The pen has 900 iu of the medication. You set the medication on the pen, put on a new needle, and it is ready to inject the needed amount.
Like everything else with IVF, it is a process of hurry up and wait. I woke up at 5:30 to make sure I got to the clinic in time to get the early morning testing done. Then I had to wait until the nurse calls later in the day. Thankfully I had swim class and some pool time to keep me occupied. However, if all the pregnant ladies who have toddlers Olivia's age could stay home, I would appreciate it. Just another reminder that all we have to go through is NOT how most couples grow their families.
I received good news from the nurse. Everything looks good, so I can start my stimulating medication (Gonal F) tonight. In fact everything looks so good, I will take a lower dosage than originally prescribed. The doctor said there were quite a few follicles ready to grown in both ovaries, so she wanted to go slower than in my previous cycle. This is where IVF is a fine science. You want multiple follicles to grow and mature, but too many follicles growing can lead to poor quality or a condition call Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome, which can be very dangerous.
I now get to take two shots per day. I have been taking 10 units of Lupron every morning for the last 13 days. The shots really aren't that bad. It is a small needle that goes right under the skin.
My other shot will take place in the evening. Gonal F is a delivered by a "pen". The pen has 900 iu of the medication. You set the medication on the pen, put on a new needle, and it is ready to inject the needed amount.
Right now I will be starting with 187 units. I go back into the clinic on Friday for more blood work and ultrasound and will continue to do so every other day (and even every day close to egg retrieval). These appointments will be to test the estrogen level in my blood and to count and measure the follicles in my ovaries. Based on these appointments, my medication dosage may be increased or decreased accordingly.
This is the time period of an IVF cycle that become busy again. It is a lot of appointments and a lot of medication. My job is to make sure that I stay a relaxed as possible. And to help make my body as ready as I can. That means eating and drinking all sorts of "fertility" foods. I'm all prepared with my fertility tea, pomegranate juice, avocados, nuts, and lots of eggs. Who knows if any of this actually does anything; it give me some feeling of control during a very difficult process.
Tuesday, July 7, 2015
Summer of Shots....not the fun kind.
I woke up early this morning (5:15 on a summer morning..yuck!) to drive into Foxborough for the first step in our IVF cycle: hormone check. I had to have blood drawn to check my progesterone level. It is important that I have already ovulated before started my first medication: lupron. The blood draw took about 1 minute with about 2 hours of drive time. Not too bad right? Not all of my appointments will be just blood work; some will require ultrasound as well, but those don't start until later in the process.
Earlier this afternoon, I received a call from my nurse. My numbers looked good, and I have go ahead to begin Lupron tomorrow morning. Lupron is a subcutaneous injection, which means the medication is injected in my lower stomach area using a smaller needle. These injections I normally do myself. At first I was petrified and had Sean do them, but that actually was more difficult. Like many things in my life, I needed to be 100% in control. I will take these injections every morning until at least July 20th (maybe later depending on my cycle) and then I need to go in for what is called "baseline monitor". This time will include both blood work and ultrasound.
I am doing what is called a long Lupron protocol. This is the same protocol that I used when I got pregnant with Olivia; if it's not broken don't fix it. This is one of many protocols for IVF success; everyone reacts differently so each has flex room. With the Lupron protocol, I will do at least 12 days of Lupron injections on it's own then I will go in for my baseline. If things look good, I will begin stimulation medication. For me this will be Gonal-F, also a subcutaneous injection but this one will be done at night. I will be continuing my Lupron during this time as well. Yup that means two injections a day! Good thing my bathing suit doesn't expose my stomach; the instructors at swim lessons would be calling CPS on me. I will do this anywhere from 5 to about 10 days depending on how I react. During this time I will be going in every few days (daily towards the end) for blood draws (yes more needles) and ultrasounds. Once things are where the doctors want them to be, I will take what is called a trigger shot. This is an intramuscular shot (aka butt shot) that tells my ovaries to release all the eggs that have been growing. 36 hours later (yes that specifically timed), I will be having my egg retrieval. I will be put until general anesthesia and the doctors will go through my uterus to remove all the fluids in the follicles, which hopefully contains eggs. The same day all the mature eggs will be injected with the strongest of Sean's sperm in a process called intra-cytoplasmic sperm injection. The embryos will then grow in the lab. I will also begin progesterone injections nightly. These are intramuscular like the trigger shot. These are literally a pain in the ass. I need help to do them, so Sean has to make sure he is available every night. If the oil is too cool, it is hard to inject and can sometimes leave hard lumps under the skin. On day 3, the embryologists will choose the best embryo and hatch it, and then it will be transferred into my uterus. The rest will continue to grow in the lab until day 5. Any embryos that a still striving will be frozen. The process for freezing has changed greatly since we last did IVF in 2012, and the success rates have jumped from about 50% to closer to 90%. We are hoping to not need the frozen embryos, but it is good to know that we have that option if needed.
This protocol is slightly different than the one the doctor originally recommended for us. She wanted us to do a 5 day transfer. There are many benefits to this. Because they grow longer in the lab, the embryologists have a greater chance of picking the one that will be the most successful. It is totally possible that the "best" embryo on day 3 fails to thrive by day 5. On day 5 the embryos have developed to a blastocyst, so there is no need for assisted hatching and the less handling of the embryos the better. All this sounds fantastic right? Why did we choose to do a day 3 AMA? We have attempted a day 5 previously at our last clinic. Our results were not good. None of the embryos developed in blastocysts; they had stopped at a stage called a morula. At the transfer our doctor told about the low chance of something even taking. We left that day heartbroken but had an idea that assisted hatching could be our solution. Just thinking about the possibility of having another transfer cancelled left me in tears. I expressed my concerns with my doctor. She listened to me, and even though she spent about 10 minutes explaining how labs and techniques have changed in the past 3 years, she expressed her desire to not have any additional stress put on me. She came up with this "compromise". We will do the 3 day transfer of a single embryo (no twins for us THANK YOU!) and the embryologists will closely watch the remaining embryos in the lab. The embryos will be frozen on day 5 (those who make it). We understand that the embryologist may not pick the right embryo, but if the cycle doesn't work, at least they have a clear idea of what blatocysts are the strongest. Also, if none of them survive or develop into blastocysts, this will give all of us a deeper understanding about what may be causing our infertility, which is always a good thing.
I got a special package today in the mail....all my meds. Want to see? Here it is!
Just a few meds to take up my countertops. Thankfully the new house has plenty of counters!
So ladies (and gentlemen if any of you have made it this far), that will be my summer fun! I will be trying to inject (pun intended) my summer with some great activities with Olivia and the rest of my family. We are unable to actually away because of this, so we will be doing a number of day trips: beach, zoo, Edaville. Suggestions?
Earlier this afternoon, I received a call from my nurse. My numbers looked good, and I have go ahead to begin Lupron tomorrow morning. Lupron is a subcutaneous injection, which means the medication is injected in my lower stomach area using a smaller needle. These injections I normally do myself. At first I was petrified and had Sean do them, but that actually was more difficult. Like many things in my life, I needed to be 100% in control. I will take these injections every morning until at least July 20th (maybe later depending on my cycle) and then I need to go in for what is called "baseline monitor". This time will include both blood work and ultrasound.
I am doing what is called a long Lupron protocol. This is the same protocol that I used when I got pregnant with Olivia; if it's not broken don't fix it. This is one of many protocols for IVF success; everyone reacts differently so each has flex room. With the Lupron protocol, I will do at least 12 days of Lupron injections on it's own then I will go in for my baseline. If things look good, I will begin stimulation medication. For me this will be Gonal-F, also a subcutaneous injection but this one will be done at night. I will be continuing my Lupron during this time as well. Yup that means two injections a day! Good thing my bathing suit doesn't expose my stomach; the instructors at swim lessons would be calling CPS on me. I will do this anywhere from 5 to about 10 days depending on how I react. During this time I will be going in every few days (daily towards the end) for blood draws (yes more needles) and ultrasounds. Once things are where the doctors want them to be, I will take what is called a trigger shot. This is an intramuscular shot (aka butt shot) that tells my ovaries to release all the eggs that have been growing. 36 hours later (yes that specifically timed), I will be having my egg retrieval. I will be put until general anesthesia and the doctors will go through my uterus to remove all the fluids in the follicles, which hopefully contains eggs. The same day all the mature eggs will be injected with the strongest of Sean's sperm in a process called intra-cytoplasmic sperm injection. The embryos will then grow in the lab. I will also begin progesterone injections nightly. These are intramuscular like the trigger shot. These are literally a pain in the ass. I need help to do them, so Sean has to make sure he is available every night. If the oil is too cool, it is hard to inject and can sometimes leave hard lumps under the skin. On day 3, the embryologists will choose the best embryo and hatch it, and then it will be transferred into my uterus. The rest will continue to grow in the lab until day 5. Any embryos that a still striving will be frozen. The process for freezing has changed greatly since we last did IVF in 2012, and the success rates have jumped from about 50% to closer to 90%. We are hoping to not need the frozen embryos, but it is good to know that we have that option if needed.
This protocol is slightly different than the one the doctor originally recommended for us. She wanted us to do a 5 day transfer. There are many benefits to this. Because they grow longer in the lab, the embryologists have a greater chance of picking the one that will be the most successful. It is totally possible that the "best" embryo on day 3 fails to thrive by day 5. On day 5 the embryos have developed to a blastocyst, so there is no need for assisted hatching and the less handling of the embryos the better. All this sounds fantastic right? Why did we choose to do a day 3 AMA? We have attempted a day 5 previously at our last clinic. Our results were not good. None of the embryos developed in blastocysts; they had stopped at a stage called a morula. At the transfer our doctor told about the low chance of something even taking. We left that day heartbroken but had an idea that assisted hatching could be our solution. Just thinking about the possibility of having another transfer cancelled left me in tears. I expressed my concerns with my doctor. She listened to me, and even though she spent about 10 minutes explaining how labs and techniques have changed in the past 3 years, she expressed her desire to not have any additional stress put on me. She came up with this "compromise". We will do the 3 day transfer of a single embryo (no twins for us THANK YOU!) and the embryologists will closely watch the remaining embryos in the lab. The embryos will be frozen on day 5 (those who make it). We understand that the embryologist may not pick the right embryo, but if the cycle doesn't work, at least they have a clear idea of what blatocysts are the strongest. Also, if none of them survive or develop into blastocysts, this will give all of us a deeper understanding about what may be causing our infertility, which is always a good thing.
I got a special package today in the mail....all my meds. Want to see? Here it is!
So ladies (and gentlemen if any of you have made it this far), that will be my summer fun! I will be trying to inject (pun intended) my summer with some great activities with Olivia and the rest of my family. We are unable to actually away because of this, so we will be doing a number of day trips: beach, zoo, Edaville. Suggestions?
Saturday, June 13, 2015
TTCA is just as difficult as TTC the first time...only different
When we returned to this journey, I knew it would be trying, but I honestly thought it would be easier, physically and emotionally. It is in some ways, but it is more difficult in ways I never expected.
Since we had three frozen embryos, we decided to start with a Frozen Embryo Transfer because we already had the embryos and it was "easy". Well, easy compared to a fresh cycle; it's still a bitch compared to TTC naturally. A normal frozen cycle looks like this:
-Day 2 of cycle I go in for morning blood work (which for me is an hour away and constitutes a 5 AM wake up time)
-If things check out I star estrogen day and night (I took four mg each time).
-After four days, I go in for more morning blood work (another 5 AM wake up).
-About 10 days later, I go in for more morning blood work and ultrasound this time (another 5 AM wake up and missed work).
-The next day I begin progesterone injections (now those are a pain in the ass...literally) and 5 days of another medication.
-3-4 days after begin progesterone, I go in for the embryo transfer. This is a fairly easy procedure. The reproductive endocrinologist uses a catheter to transfer the embryo directly into my uterus. It takes them longer to test and set up than the actual transfer takes.
-About 10 days after the transfer, I go in for a pregnancy test. If it is positive, I continue taking estrogen and progesterone. If I'm not, I get to stop both.
Easy right? Only 3 morning monitoring appointments, about 225 pills and 14 injections. If it sounds like a lot you never had a fresh cycle completed.
While the cycle of itself was simple, one thing I didn't expect was the impact on my family. Because of the early morning appointments, Sean had to get Olivia up and drive her to day care. The day of the transfer and the day after I was on modified bed rest so I couldn't really play with her. My incredibly intuitive daughter noticed. At first she was obviously concerned. Every morning she would ask if mommy needed to go to the doctor again. After a few weeks, she started pulling away and connecting with Sean more. (I was also take a graduate class at this time, so it was another night I was away from her). At one point she told me, " I don't love you; you are never home." While I knew it wasn't true, it broke my heart. I didn't expect my journey to try to expand our family by one would affect the child we were lucky enough to have.
The other difficult thing about TTCA was having to deal with the negative result. Yup my first cycle ended with a BFN. Before Olivia, I could come home and crawl into bed with a glass of wine and throw myself a giant pity party. You can't do this with a 2 year old. I had to try to put on a good face at least until she went to bed. Having her snuggle next to me did help, but oddly it hurt at the same time. I no longer felt that I just failed Sean; I felt like I failed her as well. The what ifs came back. What if I couldn't give her a sibling? What if I spend so much time trying that I permanently damage our relationship?
We entered our first FET incredibly positively. This was the same group of embryos that gave us Olivia, so of course it would give us a second. I ended up taking a pregnancy test the morning of my blood test to help me prepare. It was negative; I was shocked but still slightly positive. Maybe it was a late implanter. No such luck.
We then moved right into a second FET with our last straw of embryos. Everything fell perfectly for this cycle. The mornings I needed to go in for AM monitoring all fell on days I have period 1 off, so I didn't feel rushed and I didn't need to find coverage. However the transfer fell right on the day of Sean's sister's wedding, but luckily we were able to push it back a day (one of the benefits of a frozen cycle versus a fresh). This did require us to hide away in a bathroom on the boat while Sean gave me my progesterone shot. I could've won most interesting wedding purse (3 needles, 5 pills, band aids, alcohol wipes). It also limited my wine intake to 1 glass (though I snuck a small second one). Honestly all the issues would be worth it if this cycle was successful.
We were optimistic heading back into Boston this morning (after leaving the city 10 hours earlier). The doctor came in with an update that we did not expect. Out of the 2 embryos frozen in the straw, one did not survive the thaw at all and one only had 1 cell remaining. This left us with a choice: we could cancel the transfer or take the chance (about 1-2% of success) of transferring the single cell. With a heavy heart we decided not to even attempt the transfer. I just couldn't put my body through the additional 10 days of medication for such low chances.
Out of the possibilities we thought of prior to the transfer, we never thought about this occurring. We were both pretty numb heading home, and thankfully Olivia was with my parents at a family party. It gave me time to begin to process the whole experience. I don't know why but this was harder to handle than the BFN from the previous cycle. Maybe it was because we didn't even get the chance to try. Maybe it was because this was our last frozen and we need to move on to a fresh cycle.
I need to call the doctor Monday to make an appointment to begin the insurance process and see what other testing we need. I can't believe we are back here. I honestly thought one of these two cycles would work. Timing would good with work. They would also allow us to keep our Disney trip next summer. Now that is back up in the air. If I'm too pregnant or the baby is too young, we will have to cancel. Again our quest to expand our family will impact the child we already have. There is nothing easy about this process no matter where you stand in it.
The other difficult thing about TTCA was having to deal with the negative result. Yup my first cycle ended with a BFN. Before Olivia, I could come home and crawl into bed with a glass of wine and throw myself a giant pity party. You can't do this with a 2 year old. I had to try to put on a good face at least until she went to bed. Having her snuggle next to me did help, but oddly it hurt at the same time. I no longer felt that I just failed Sean; I felt like I failed her as well. The what ifs came back. What if I couldn't give her a sibling? What if I spend so much time trying that I permanently damage our relationship?
We entered our first FET incredibly positively. This was the same group of embryos that gave us Olivia, so of course it would give us a second. I ended up taking a pregnancy test the morning of my blood test to help me prepare. It was negative; I was shocked but still slightly positive. Maybe it was a late implanter. No such luck.
We then moved right into a second FET with our last straw of embryos. Everything fell perfectly for this cycle. The mornings I needed to go in for AM monitoring all fell on days I have period 1 off, so I didn't feel rushed and I didn't need to find coverage. However the transfer fell right on the day of Sean's sister's wedding, but luckily we were able to push it back a day (one of the benefits of a frozen cycle versus a fresh). This did require us to hide away in a bathroom on the boat while Sean gave me my progesterone shot. I could've won most interesting wedding purse (3 needles, 5 pills, band aids, alcohol wipes). It also limited my wine intake to 1 glass (though I snuck a small second one). Honestly all the issues would be worth it if this cycle was successful.
We were optimistic heading back into Boston this morning (after leaving the city 10 hours earlier). The doctor came in with an update that we did not expect. Out of the 2 embryos frozen in the straw, one did not survive the thaw at all and one only had 1 cell remaining. This left us with a choice: we could cancel the transfer or take the chance (about 1-2% of success) of transferring the single cell. With a heavy heart we decided not to even attempt the transfer. I just couldn't put my body through the additional 10 days of medication for such low chances.
Out of the possibilities we thought of prior to the transfer, we never thought about this occurring. We were both pretty numb heading home, and thankfully Olivia was with my parents at a family party. It gave me time to begin to process the whole experience. I don't know why but this was harder to handle than the BFN from the previous cycle. Maybe it was because we didn't even get the chance to try. Maybe it was because this was our last frozen and we need to move on to a fresh cycle.
I need to call the doctor Monday to make an appointment to begin the insurance process and see what other testing we need. I can't believe we are back here. I honestly thought one of these two cycles would work. Timing would good with work. They would also allow us to keep our Disney trip next summer. Now that is back up in the air. If I'm too pregnant or the baby is too young, we will have to cancel. Again our quest to expand our family will impact the child we already have. There is nothing easy about this process no matter where you stand in it.
Friday, February 6, 2015
And we're back in the game
I know it has been quite a while since I last posted. Life has gotten quite crazy with work, a new home, and a very active toddler!
A few Olivia updates before I get to my journey. She was 2 this past October and is very smart and verbal. Her favorite thing right now is to ask us if we are her "friends". It's so adorable. She asked me the other day if we could go see her "friend Nana". We have also just converted her crib to a toddler bed because she became Houdini over the weekend. During her "naptime" on Monday, she escaped 15 times in under 10 minutes. That must be a record. I'm waiting to hear back from the Ellen Show and Guiness Book of World Records. She doesn't stop and I love it all. Even though I am normally exhausted and incredibly behind on work. (I should actually be correcting now, but what's another 20 essays or so on the pile). She is currently obsessed with the show Paw Patrol and takes her puppies most places with her. She knows all 5 (now 6) puppies by name and tag line. She's starting to really take to coloring and drawing and plays mostly with her easel she received for Christmas. She showed some interest in potty training, but then decided that having mommy or daddy change her diapers is a much better choice. We will readdress this in the summer!
As for us, we have made our appointment with the RE for March. Since we are now in a larger house with a yard (that children can actually play in...go figure!), we feel it's time to add to our family. Since we were diagnosed with unexplained, we have been trying the best we could though our faith that a "miracle" will happen is low. I'm excited to be moving forward, but I still have all the fears from the first time. What if this time something major is wrong? What if the three IVFs we have left do not work? What do we do then? I know I shouldn't be thinking this way, but I can't help it. I hate that we have to go through this process a 2nd time. Why can't we get the opps? What did we do to deserve this? I know the answer to that is nothing, but it still pops in. It is during this time period that my logical side stays at work and my emotions take over.
I honestly feel like we are reliving the time before I got pregnant with Liv. Yes I'm entirely grateful to have her, but it still feels as though something is missing. We aren't quite complete yet. Once again Facebook has become the enemy. Almost daily, I'm seeing pregnancy announcements from friends that have children around Olivia's age or younger. They are able to grow their family but we can't. I honestly didn't think I would feel this way the second time around and feel a little ashamed that I do. What about those people who don't get to have their "Olivia"? Shouldn't I be happy with what I have and not want more? Isn't that the "way" to happiness? I don't truly know, but I do know that some days the tears can't help but come and my heart can't help but drop at those announcement. Just the same as before. The only difference is now I hear a voice interrupting my tears. "Are you okay, Mommy? I kiss your booboo better?"
A few Olivia updates before I get to my journey. She was 2 this past October and is very smart and verbal. Her favorite thing right now is to ask us if we are her "friends". It's so adorable. She asked me the other day if we could go see her "friend Nana". We have also just converted her crib to a toddler bed because she became Houdini over the weekend. During her "naptime" on Monday, she escaped 15 times in under 10 minutes. That must be a record. I'm waiting to hear back from the Ellen Show and Guiness Book of World Records. She doesn't stop and I love it all. Even though I am normally exhausted and incredibly behind on work. (I should actually be correcting now, but what's another 20 essays or so on the pile). She is currently obsessed with the show Paw Patrol and takes her puppies most places with her. She knows all 5 (now 6) puppies by name and tag line. She's starting to really take to coloring and drawing and plays mostly with her easel she received for Christmas. She showed some interest in potty training, but then decided that having mommy or daddy change her diapers is a much better choice. We will readdress this in the summer!
As for us, we have made our appointment with the RE for March. Since we are now in a larger house with a yard (that children can actually play in...go figure!), we feel it's time to add to our family. Since we were diagnosed with unexplained, we have been trying the best we could though our faith that a "miracle" will happen is low. I'm excited to be moving forward, but I still have all the fears from the first time. What if this time something major is wrong? What if the three IVFs we have left do not work? What do we do then? I know I shouldn't be thinking this way, but I can't help it. I hate that we have to go through this process a 2nd time. Why can't we get the opps? What did we do to deserve this? I know the answer to that is nothing, but it still pops in. It is during this time period that my logical side stays at work and my emotions take over.
I honestly feel like we are reliving the time before I got pregnant with Liv. Yes I'm entirely grateful to have her, but it still feels as though something is missing. We aren't quite complete yet. Once again Facebook has become the enemy. Almost daily, I'm seeing pregnancy announcements from friends that have children around Olivia's age or younger. They are able to grow their family but we can't. I honestly didn't think I would feel this way the second time around and feel a little ashamed that I do. What about those people who don't get to have their "Olivia"? Shouldn't I be happy with what I have and not want more? Isn't that the "way" to happiness? I don't truly know, but I do know that some days the tears can't help but come and my heart can't help but drop at those announcement. Just the same as before. The only difference is now I hear a voice interrupting my tears. "Are you okay, Mommy? I kiss your booboo better?"
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