In mourning

       Merriam Webster defines to mourn as "to feel or express grief".   Even though I am not sure it should, this term applies to me right now.  I am in a deep state of mourning.  I have turned to all my mourning food: dark chocolate and cookie dough (from Maggie) to chip and french onion dip and wine (from Dennis); however a death did not occur, or did it?   Unlike the previous 16 or so tries, I know for fact that an life was created.  I had two little embryos that could have become my future children but didn't.  Even though it is not technically counted as a lost, I cannot help but feel as though it is.  Even though I get out of bed every day and go though my day, my brain is on the failed IVF.  What did I do wrong?   What could I have done better?  Am I to blame?   Deep inside my mind I know that I didn't do anything wrong, but that doesn't stop all the thoughts from coming.  Should I have not gone to work two days after the transfer?  Should I not have let the kitchen curtain stress me out when it just wouldn't seem to go up?  Should I have not gone to tech week of the middle school show?
      Whether I accept or not (and I can't say I totally accept it), I am not pregnant.  Once again, all our hard work and prayers did not work.  It is pretty pathetic, but all sorts of things will send me into tears over this.  Announcements of only 20-some odd days left of school leave tears in my eyes.  It is one more year that I will leave school without being pregnant.   Though I am excited about our cruise, my heart sinks at the thought of our excurision to Universal, Islands of Adventure.    Though seeing Harry Potter World will definitely be AMAZING, we weren't going to go there if I was pregnant.   Speaking of Harry Potter, I was fully brought to tears by a TV spot today for Harry Potter 7 part two.  Why you ask?  Well, I had the wierd thought that if I was pregnant, my child would have the opportunity to see the final HP movie in theatres.  Silly, huh?  I am sure these things are going to continue coming.
      I dread almost every day at work when I could have the possibility of running into one of the pregnant women at work, or even worse a surprise pregnancy announcement.   I wake up with one thought:  "It still hasn't happen".   Even though I try to stay positive, it is so difficult right now.  I am beyond thankful for entire support group.  Poor Lauren listens every day to my whining about my infertility without a single complaint or even a simple "Shut UP!".  My mother deals constantly with the issue of infertility.  It is just like when we were planning my wedding only much more depressing.
    So, what is next?  To be honest, I don't know.  Prior to our IVF, my RE said we would do one fresh cycle and then one frozen.  I am not sure if this still going to be the deal.  We have a follow up appointment with our RE, or what is affectionally know as the WTF -what the fuck- (sorry Mom!) by the infertile community, on Monday.  I have about 15 questions for him, half of which I probably won't ever ask.  After this point, I hope we have a clearer plan, which hopefully included getting at least something completed this summer, even with out cruise in the middle.
   I guess until I am blessed with real children I will have to spoil my three amazing furbabies.   For those of you who do not know them, let me introduce them to you.

My sweet, and slightly crazy, little girl Holly

My slightly less crazy, and a little heavier, girl Millie

My sweetest girl, Dulce, with her favorite summertime toys, flip flops

Why don't you get a hobby?

     This is advice that I have heard time and time again during my infertility journey.  Most infertility books, websites, and even my reproductive endocronologist recommend continuing, or even picking up, a hobby to help keep your mind off of babies and pregnancy and infertility during waiting periods, especially the dreaded two week wait.  This is exactly where I am right now.   I get to wait until May 15th to see whether our recent embryo transfer worked.   Let me tell you, it is TORTURE!   As much as a try, my mind is on the recent transfer and pregnancy.  Maybe I should get a hobby, but what?
     Normally if anyone would ask me what I do for fun, I would respond with either dance or theatre.   The problem with that?  I haven't dance in atleast 3 years (unless you count the three classes I took at my old studio this summer with infants - okay they were between 15 and 18 - and I could barely walk afterward).   I also haven't been on stage in almost three years as well.  So in actuality, neither of these are actually true hobbies of mine anymore.   Maybe I could start doing yoga?  Yay, it is a good healthy habit and it will help keep me centered and relaxed.   Tried it!  I am good for day one or two and then I can't get my fat but off the couch.   Maybe I will do something crafty?   I could make pillowcase dresses for my future daughter.  I could scrapbook.  I could quilt.  Problem, I have all the creativity of a second grader left alone with glitter and the glue pot.  In other word, it doesn't come out pretty.   I know I did a lot of the crafts for my wedding (table numbers, menus, cake topper, pomanders), but those took me hours each and I threw away way more than I can count.  
    That brings me to the few things that could actually be considered hobbies:  shopping and reading.    Shopping, now that is a hobby I can stick with.   Right now buying clothes is out of the question, but there are always shoes, accessories and home things.  I clearly don't have enough cute heels or earrings.   Home Goods is also a fantastic way to spend a few hours.  I don't see any real problems with this, right?   Sean won't mind when I spend all our emergency money just so I can take my mind off of infertility and babies.   No problem right?  Yay, so that wouldn't work.  I guess that leaves reading.   It is not something that I actually really consider a hobby, but it truly.  I can loose myself for hours or even days in a good book.   Sean frequently mocks me as I spend a Friday or Saturday night with my nose in a book.  I may not read "high" literature, but does that really matter.     So what if most of my books either take place in Elizabethan England or have covens of vampires (don't mock; they are good).  These stories entertain me and keep my mind from constantly drifting back to the issues that I am dealing with.  If they offer me even two minutes of solice, I will take it.   So I guess in all actuality, I do have a hobby; one that I truly love.   It may not keep my body or hands active, but it keeps my mind active, which is the most important part of a hobby.
    I think I will be reading quite a bit in the next week or so.   I had two lovely embryos transferred this past Wednesday.   Both were what my clinic considers high implantation potential.  Fingers crossed that at least on sticks and for you viewing pleasure, our future possible babies:

The things you know when going through IVF

      I have been researching and hearing about IVF for months.   5dp2dt of ICSI IVF seems like jibberish to most people, but it is clear as day to me.  So clear in fact that I sometimes forget that other people don't know all of these terms by heart.  Many of you reading probably do not know more about IVF than Jon and Kate Plus 8, Octomom and test tube babies.  Since I am in the middle of my first IVF (I will give you an update later), I thought I would explain the process to everyone.
     The cycle begins with suppression of some sort, often through the use of birth control.   While this may seem sort of counterproductive, it actually works to stop your body from developing follicles.  This helps to put your body on a schedule that the reproductive endocronologist (RE) can work with.  After supression, you will start stimmulating your follicles.  There are a variety of injectible medications that can be used for this.  I used a drug called Gonal-F.  It required me to give myself nightly injections to help the follicles (things in the ovaries that contain eggs) grow large than normal. 
       During this time, you have to go in for frequent blood work and ultrasound.  This is checking to make sure your hormone levels are still in the normal level, as well as checking the size and number of follicles in each of your ovaries.  The RE may find that your follicles are maturing, but you are getting close to ovulating, which isn't good if your egg retrieval isn't for a few days.  In this case, the RE may have you take another daily injection to stop the follicles from ovulating.  I had to take a drug called Cetrotide.   That made 2 injections a day.  Once your RE thinks everything is how it should be, you have to a final injection (HCG) which causes the follicles to release the mature eggs about 36 hours later.  
    The next step is the egg retrieval (ER).  During this process, you are put under a light anesthesia and the RE will use a needle to suck all mature eggs from both ovaries.   The whole thing only takes about 20 minutes.   Prior to this procedure a semen sample needs to be produced so it can be ready to be mixed with the eggs.
      At this point, the embryologists in the lab go to work.  They put some sperm with each egg and place them in an incubator.  In some cases it may be necessary for them to perform ICSI (intracytoplasmic sperm injection).  During ICSI, the sperm is injected right into the cytoplasm of the egg.   After a day, the embryologist is able to see which of the eggs fertilized.
     For the next two days or so, the embryos are watch closely.  It is important that they are splitting evenly with little or no fragmentation.  During this time, you have to take progesterone supplements, which are either available through injection or suppositories which will continue at least through the pregnancy test.   Either 3 (3dt) or 5 (5dt) days after ER, it is time for the embryos to be transferred. 
    During the embryo transfer (ET), the best embryos are transferred via catheter into the uterus.  If possible, additional embryos can be frozen for future transfers.  A positive pregnancy test can be taken about 10 days after the transfer.  
   Hopefully this give some of you an idea of the process that some people need to take in order to have the child of their dreams.
    Now for my update:    I was able to have my egg retrieval this past Sunday.  It was a lot earlier than I expected, but I was happy it occurred on a weekend.   The procedure wasn't that bad.  All I remember once I got into the operating room was "Ok Christine, I want you to take 5 deep breaths."  Two breaths later I was out and then I was waking up in recovery.  They were able to get 12 eggs!!! Sean and I wer both very excited.  
    I wasn't in that much pain afterwards.  I was more uncomfortable than anything, especially when I was trying to stand up or sit down.  Today is better, though I still am a little sore.
     The clinic called me earlier today to let me know how many of my 12 fertilized.  We were lucky enough to get 7 embryos!   Hopefully our 7 possible future children are behaving themselves and growing well.   We are doing a 3 day transfer on Wednesday.  I have signed up for pre- and post-transfer acupuncture at the clinic to help everything along.   After that I am coming home to spend two days on the couch.  I am feeling a Harry Potter marathon in my future.  
     I will try to keep you updated, because I am sure I will need lots of distractions during the 2 week wait (time between conception and pregnancy test). 
If you want to learn more about IVF or other infertility treatments, check out this site: IVF