I have spent today mentally planning for the first day of school, for about the 18th time. You would think after all those years the routine would change or the anxiety would less, right? NOPE. My loving mother still goes back to school shopping with me. I get excited about a little new purchase; some years it is a new bag, some years a new notebook, some years a new lunch bag; this year is a salad container that will actually fit a decent sized salad which of course will make me bring a salad daily to lunch and therefore I will lose all the weight I have put on the last year (15 lbs, but who is counting?). Right along with the excitement of all that is new for the coming the year comes the anxiety surrounding what has changed. I remember years of worrying if my friends will still be my friends when the school year starts, if I will have teachers who are nice to me, if I will be able to keep up the good grades that I prided myself on.
While the reasons have changed, the anxiety is still there. On the first day our entire district comes together at the high school for a large meeting. I get anxious just thinking about walking down the driveway and into the cafeteria. Will I be able to see anyone I know or will I be left standing at the door looking into a room of strangers? The chances of the latter are rather slim, but just in case, I have made plans to drive in with a friend to help calm this anxiety.
A new anxiety started last year and has continued to grow this year. I am totally fearing the "What's new?" question. For some this is an easy question to handle, but for me, it kills me to say "Nothing's new." Seeing as though I am blogging about our infertility, it should be no surprise to anyone that I am fairly open about our fertility issues. As part of a young (and rather fertile) faculty, I have frequently been the recipient of the "you're next" statement or look. I have been answering "soon" for almost two years now. The fact that we are struggling probably wouldn't surprise many people. So when that horrid question comes up, I will be answer "Not much" with a smile in my face while thinking "Not much other than another failed ART cycle and the fact that I am doubting our ability to have our own children". I am hoping people take this "nothing" at face value and don't try to read into the weight that have put on since we parted in June as anything more than hormones and depression eating.
Even more anxiety provoking...the first staff meeting "announcements". As of June, our school was down to one pregnancy. Now if you know anything about our school, or similar schools, I don't think there has ever been less than two or three pregnancies at a time in many years. We could definitely fully fund our own daycare with the number of small children belonging to staff. I am sure there will be at least one announcement and I am not sure how I will handle it. I hope that I can keep tears at bay until the meeting ends and I can rush to the bathroom. I would hate to have to excuse myself mid-meeting for a good "I'm back" cry with my bathroom.
I sure hope with all this anxiety I will be able to sleep, but the chances are greater that I will be seeing the clock hit midnight and have to full-on roll myself out of bed at 6. Hopefully one of these days back to school becomes a solely exciting event and not one that is fraught with anxiety.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Like Mother Like Daughter....mostly
As many of you know, my mother and I are very similar. We look alike, we have some very similar gestures, we sound alike, and we often say the same thing (something that sort of freaks Sean out). There is no question what-so-ever that we are related. However the older I get, the more I realize that I have quite a bit in common with my father. While he may not have given me his looks, I did get some of his personality quirks, some I am thankful for and others I am not so happy about.
One that I wish he didn't pass on was his "focus" on finances. My father is the type of person who has a strict budget and adds weekly expenses every weekend and frequently worries about the bottom line. As he says every month often ends "in a train wreck". While I may not be as religious about updating my budget, I definitely feel my blood pressure rise when money becomes tight and we have expenses to pay for. When our savings drops below the level I want it to be at, I normally can't stop the overreaction that will definitely come. As much as this is a pain, it is helpful. Even with the difficult last few years, we have never missed a bill and have still had money to vacation every year of marriage, so I guess it is not so bad after all.
What are the traits that I am thankful for? His love of Disney and vacation planning. As much as I don't want to admit it, I spend way too much time on Disney vacation sites. Since starting IF treatments, I have had some difficulty fully believing that Sean and I will be able to have a biological child; however, this hasn't stopped me from planning future trips for our family. Like I said before, we will have a family even if it doesn't come the natural way. Since this child is coming (hopefully from this next IVF cycle I am starting), we might as well begin planning, right? This is exactly what we did this weekend.
I spent Saturday afternoon sitting with both of my parents on the deck. It wasn't long until the talk turned to Disney. Not long after my father brought out the laptop and loaded up with Disney website. We then spent the next hour or so looking at general prices for a family trip which would include 5 adults (my parents, brother, Sean and I) and two infants (my Dad is convinced we will have twin girls). We got prices for all sorts of hotels, except for the value since my father would never stay there. In addition to the plans, we, of course, talked about how to finance this trip. After a couple hours of talking, the trip was planned. We will hopefully be spending Christmas break 2013 in Florida. The half we spend on the park will most likely be at the Caribbean Beach Resort, but could be upgraded to one of the folowing: Animal Kingdom Lodge (Sean's choice), Polynesian (Dad's choice), Contemporary (Stephen's choice since he could talk), Wilderness Lodge (my choice and surprisingly most affordable of the deluxes), or the Grand Floridian (Mom's choice and not so surprisingly the most expensive).
I guess the future planning speaks volumes about how I feel about all my IF treatments. Though I may be down, I am not so sure that I am out. Hopefully this next cycle works and then I would be able to bring an 18 month old child to Disney. Even if it doesn't work, I still have a feeling that we would be going to Disney with a much younger child. So I am asking for all your help, please send lots of thoughts and prayers that there will be a reason to have a large Penzone/DiScipio family trip to Disney to celebrate the new members of the Penzone family.
I just can't wait to bring my children to Disney and see their faces as they walk under the train station and down Main Street (skipping and singing "Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah" of course) and seeing this:
One that I wish he didn't pass on was his "focus" on finances. My father is the type of person who has a strict budget and adds weekly expenses every weekend and frequently worries about the bottom line. As he says every month often ends "in a train wreck". While I may not be as religious about updating my budget, I definitely feel my blood pressure rise when money becomes tight and we have expenses to pay for. When our savings drops below the level I want it to be at, I normally can't stop the overreaction that will definitely come. As much as this is a pain, it is helpful. Even with the difficult last few years, we have never missed a bill and have still had money to vacation every year of marriage, so I guess it is not so bad after all.
What are the traits that I am thankful for? His love of Disney and vacation planning. As much as I don't want to admit it, I spend way too much time on Disney vacation sites. Since starting IF treatments, I have had some difficulty fully believing that Sean and I will be able to have a biological child; however, this hasn't stopped me from planning future trips for our family. Like I said before, we will have a family even if it doesn't come the natural way. Since this child is coming (hopefully from this next IVF cycle I am starting), we might as well begin planning, right? This is exactly what we did this weekend.
I spent Saturday afternoon sitting with both of my parents on the deck. It wasn't long until the talk turned to Disney. Not long after my father brought out the laptop and loaded up with Disney website. We then spent the next hour or so looking at general prices for a family trip which would include 5 adults (my parents, brother, Sean and I) and two infants (my Dad is convinced we will have twin girls). We got prices for all sorts of hotels, except for the value since my father would never stay there. In addition to the plans, we, of course, talked about how to finance this trip. After a couple hours of talking, the trip was planned. We will hopefully be spending Christmas break 2013 in Florida. The half we spend on the park will most likely be at the Caribbean Beach Resort, but could be upgraded to one of the folowing: Animal Kingdom Lodge (Sean's choice), Polynesian (Dad's choice), Contemporary (Stephen's choice since he could talk), Wilderness Lodge (my choice and surprisingly most affordable of the deluxes), or the Grand Floridian (Mom's choice and not so surprisingly the most expensive).
I guess the future planning speaks volumes about how I feel about all my IF treatments. Though I may be down, I am not so sure that I am out. Hopefully this next cycle works and then I would be able to bring an 18 month old child to Disney. Even if it doesn't work, I still have a feeling that we would be going to Disney with a much younger child. So I am asking for all your help, please send lots of thoughts and prayers that there will be a reason to have a large Penzone/DiScipio family trip to Disney to celebrate the new members of the Penzone family.
I just can't wait to bring my children to Disney and see their faces as they walk under the train station and down Main Street (skipping and singing "Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah" of course) and seeing this:
Friday, August 12, 2011
History Repeating
Over the last few months, I have felt that I am surrounded by pregnant women and families everywhere I go. It doesn't matter if it is the mall, the beach, a football game, or even just driving down my street. Everywhere I look I see baby carriages and pregnant bellies. It reminds me of another time in my life when I was surrounding by one thing I desperately wanted but couldn't get.
While I was in high school, I could definitely be described as a little boy crazy, but I rarely was in a relationship. I was with the "hockey puck" freshman year and then had a quasi-relationship with a boy senior year, but other than that I spent my time single. Once I got into college, I started to have more relationships, though they may not have been the best. Let's see, there was Mr. I hang out at gay clubs but I'm not gay, Mr. Pathological liar, Mr. Agoraphobic, Mr. I am in love with my ex, and Mr. I don't want to commit. They sound like winners right? I was desperately looking for the right man for me and keep failing, which feels a lot like IF if you ask me. I remember that with every break up or single time, I would be surrounded by happy couples and women with fantastic diamond rings. I was so ready to have that myself that it hurt to be around those happy couples, whether they were my friends or simply strangers near me. I remember asking myself "Why can everyone else be happy and I can't?" This phrase has run through my mind and out of my mouth frequently over the last few years.
How did I eventually connect with the man who was made for me? Someone had to step in and basically give him to me. Why should I be surprised that the same has to be done for me to have a child? As much as we would like it have been able to accomplish this goal quickly and on our own, that wasn't what was planned for us. We had to go to someone who could help us in the right direction. To keep with the analogy, I guess all the times we were trying are my relationships with Mr. I hang out at gay clubs but I'm not gay, Mr. Agoraphobic, and Mr. I don't want to commit. These were my shot in the dark relationshps. I knew nothing major could come from them, but they were still fun while they lasted. Mr. Pathological Liar and Mr. I am still in love with my ex could be the IUIs that we tried. I had great hope that one of these relationships would turn into something big. I tried my hardest to make them work, but neither did. Hopefully our RE can put us together with the perfect embryos that will become out baby. Hopefully our road to our goal isn't too much longer. I just don't know when this not so fun piece history will chooose to repeat itself again.
While I was in high school, I could definitely be described as a little boy crazy, but I rarely was in a relationship. I was with the "hockey puck" freshman year and then had a quasi-relationship with a boy senior year, but other than that I spent my time single. Once I got into college, I started to have more relationships, though they may not have been the best. Let's see, there was Mr. I hang out at gay clubs but I'm not gay, Mr. Pathological liar, Mr. Agoraphobic, Mr. I am in love with my ex, and Mr. I don't want to commit. They sound like winners right? I was desperately looking for the right man for me and keep failing, which feels a lot like IF if you ask me. I remember that with every break up or single time, I would be surrounded by happy couples and women with fantastic diamond rings. I was so ready to have that myself that it hurt to be around those happy couples, whether they were my friends or simply strangers near me. I remember asking myself "Why can everyone else be happy and I can't?" This phrase has run through my mind and out of my mouth frequently over the last few years.
How did I eventually connect with the man who was made for me? Someone had to step in and basically give him to me. Why should I be surprised that the same has to be done for me to have a child? As much as we would like it have been able to accomplish this goal quickly and on our own, that wasn't what was planned for us. We had to go to someone who could help us in the right direction. To keep with the analogy, I guess all the times we were trying are my relationships with Mr. I hang out at gay clubs but I'm not gay, Mr. Agoraphobic, and Mr. I don't want to commit. These were my shot in the dark relationshps. I knew nothing major could come from them, but they were still fun while they lasted. Mr. Pathological Liar and Mr. I am still in love with my ex could be the IUIs that we tried. I had great hope that one of these relationships would turn into something big. I tried my hardest to make them work, but neither did. Hopefully our RE can put us together with the perfect embryos that will become out baby. Hopefully our road to our goal isn't too much longer. I just don't know when this not so fun piece history will chooose to repeat itself again.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Anniversary
We spent last year dining in a castle and ending the night fireworks. We spent the year before getting married in an amazing ceremony at one of the most beautiful venues in the world. I still can't believe how lucky I am to have found such a great and supportive guy. I always knew Sean was special and strong, but over the last couple years this has become even more clear. At our wedding, I never questioned that we would be successful in our goal of beginning a family. At our first anniversary, we were a little more nervous, but still incredibly confident. Today? I can't say I am as confident. Will we have a family? Yes. Will it happen soon? I don't know. I desperately hope that this upcoming IVF cycle will be the magic cycle, but there is still a part of me that does think is will happen.
While I would never wish this on anyone, I know that this two year stuggle has helped to bring Sean and I closer than ever. We have had to figure out how to support each other throughout this time of crisis. It is actually an opportunity that few couples have the ability to experience. I know that once a child comes into a class, we will be able to use all this to help us make a stronger family.
Hopefully this is the last anniversary that we are celebrating without children. Sean and I would gladly give up any date night celebration to be at home with our little prize.
While I would never wish this on anyone, I know that this two year stuggle has helped to bring Sean and I closer than ever. We have had to figure out how to support each other throughout this time of crisis. It is actually an opportunity that few couples have the ability to experience. I know that once a child comes into a class, we will be able to use all this to help us make a stronger family.
Hopefully this is the last anniversary that we are celebrating without children. Sean and I would gladly give up any date night celebration to be at home with our little prize.
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