Back to School

I have spent today mentally planning for the first day of school, for about the 18th time.   You would think after all those years the routine would change or the anxiety would less, right?  NOPE.   My loving mother still goes back to school shopping with me.   I get excited about a little new purchase; some years it is a new bag, some years a new notebook, some years a new lunch bag; this year is a salad container that will actually fit a decent sized salad which of course will make me bring a salad daily to lunch and therefore I will lose all the weight I have put on the last year (15 lbs, but who is counting?).  Right along with the excitement of all that is new for the coming the year comes the anxiety surrounding what has changed.  I remember years of worrying if my friends will still be my friends when the school year starts, if I will have teachers who are nice to me, if I will be able to keep up the good grades that I prided myself on.  

While the reasons have changed, the anxiety is still there.   On the first day our entire district comes together at the high school for a large meeting.  I get anxious just thinking about walking down the driveway and into the cafeteria.   Will I be able to see anyone I know or will I be left standing at the door looking into a room of strangers?  The chances of the latter are rather slim, but just in case, I have made plans to drive in with a friend to help calm this anxiety. 

A new anxiety started last year and has continued to grow this year.   I am totally fearing the "What's new?" question.   For some this is an easy question to handle, but for me, it kills me to say "Nothing's new."   Seeing as though I am blogging about our infertility, it should be no surprise to anyone that I am fairly open about our fertility issues.   As part of a young (and rather fertile) faculty, I have frequently been the recipient of the "you're next" statement or look.   I have been answering "soon" for almost two years now.  The fact that we are struggling probably wouldn't surprise many people.   So when that horrid question comes up, I will be answer "Not much" with a smile in my face while thinking "Not much other than another failed ART cycle and the fact that I am doubting our ability to have our own children".   I am hoping people take this "nothing" at face value and don't try to read into the weight that have put on since we parted in June as anything more than hormones and depression eating. 

Even more anxiety provoking...the first staff meeting "announcements".   As of June, our school was down to one pregnancy.   Now if you know anything about our school, or similar schools, I don't think there has ever been less than two or three pregnancies at a time in many years.  We could definitely fully fund our own daycare with the number of small children belonging to staff.  I am sure there will be at least one announcement and I am not sure how I will handle it.  I hope that I can keep tears at bay until the meeting ends and I can rush to the bathroom.  I would hate to have to excuse myself mid-meeting for a good "I'm back" cry with my bathroom. 

I sure hope with all this anxiety I will be able to sleep, but the chances are greater that I will be seeing the clock hit midnight and have to full-on roll myself out of bed at 6.   Hopefully one of these days back to school becomes a solely exciting event and not one that is fraught with anxiety.