Still Cautiously Optimistic

Sean and I went in for our first ultrasound this morning.   The tech said I'm measuring at exactly 6 weeks which would put my due date on October 18th.   Even though there was a chance of multiples, we are happy to see only one little sack and our baby (which really looked like a little white dot).  We were even lucky enough to see the heartbeat.  This however isn't bringing me as much peace of mind as I would've hoped.   The ultrasound tech mentioned that the heart beat was a little low (78 when it should be between 90-110) and that it should be monitored closely.  Of course this started the tears almost immediately.  Really? Can't anything go smoothly?

After the ultrasound, we had a meeting with our nurse.  It was so great to finally get to talk to her face to face after spending so many months talking on the phone.   She assured me that we shouldn't be worried about the low heartbeat.  I'm only 6 weeks exactly and the heart could've just started beating today.  She told us that they have seen women who haven't found any heartbeats at 6 weeks go one to have very successful pregnancies.  It definitely did calm me down, but I have to say that I'm not 100% relaxed.   I now have to wait two more weeks (TWO WEEKS!!!!) to have a second ultrasound.  At this point in time I will meet with the RE and hopefully graduate to a regular OB (which I need to find soon).    Until then I have to continue with my progesterone injections and just keeping waiting cautiously optimistic!  I really hope this is it!

Best Valentine's Ever!

Sean and I decided awhile ago that we wouldn't buy each other Valentine's presents this year (even though he bought me roses and an Itunes gift card).  Instead we spend Monday night wandering around Babies R Us and purchased a $200 gift card so we can buy a big ticket item once my due date gets closer.  That's right I said due date.   IVF #3 officially worked!  Every new we tried has done the job!

I went in for a pregnancy test (beta) on Monday.  My levels were 195, which was in the average range for 16 dpo.   I went back in today (Wednesday) and was tested again. The doctor wanted to see a 66% increase.  Well this baby (or babies) is/are definitely mine.  My HCG levels jumped to 632 which is over triple the first level.   This could possibly mean that there is more than one snuggled in.   Sean and I will get an answer to this question next Thursday when we have first ultrasound!   I can't wait to see them again.  They have grown so much from the 8-cell picture I have them.

I have told a number of people since so many have supported us throughout our journey.  I feel they deserve to know.   We have decided not to fully out ourselves for a few weeks.  We definitely cannot wait until I'm out of first tri, but we want to wait a little longer just to make sure things are going well.  So if you found this post, CONGRATS! You must be part of the inner circle :).    Thank you for sharing this journey with us.  I will be sure to keep you informed throughout the pregnancy. 

Halfway there

I'm currently 7dp3dt and my beta (pregnancy) test in next Monday 13dp3dt; in less than a week I will know whether this cycle has worked or not.   I really love thinking that it is going to work, but I don't exactly "feel" pregnant.  On the same note, I don't exactly feel as though AF is coming either.  It is interesting though that I'm aware of every cramp, gurgle and pinch that occurs in my abdomen; what all this means I have no clue.   How do you plan for such an event?   Women trying to get pregnant the natural way never really know that there was a living embryo in their uterus.  I really think a negative after an IVF cycle is very different than any other cycle.  However medically speaking, a failed IVF cycle is simply a failed cycle.  There is no acknowledgement of the living embryo that was in your uterus.   Right now I equate this more with a miscarriage than with a failed natural cycle.  I know that there was a growing embryo, but just like a miscarriage it couldn't thrive.  I will have lost a child just as much as everyone; it's just that no one looks at it so.  That makes it a little harder to get over.   I have photo proof of the six children I have already lost, something a lot of women who miscarriage do not.  

I'm currently trying to live by the motto my therapist gave when I first met with her: "Expect the worse, but hope for the best".   While I have some great ideas of what will happen if I finally get the BFP:  trip to Babies R Us, some great phone calls and a celebratory dinner (mother's don't have to cook, right?); I'm trying to focus on how I will respond if it is negative.   Hopefully I will be home by the time I get the call and I can spend the night crying into a bottle (or two) of wine before putting away baby's first (and only) picture away.  Then I will somehow try to move forward with everything.

Hopefully all of this will be moot and next week I will be buying baby products and we will be discussing baby names (which will probably take a good 12 months to agree).  Hopefully our family trip to Disney in May will be a true family trip and we can take our first family picture in front of the castle.  Hopefully I will be yet one more woman who overcame infertility.

Love bugs on board

Yesterday about 2:30 we transferred two 8-cell great quality embryos.  The entire experience was so much more relaxed than my previous three transfers.   I always felt like I was a number who was rushed in and out, but this clinic really took their time.   Sean and I went into the OR and the nurse helped to get me settled in the rather attractive position.  She explained everything to me even though she had done this before bringing us in.  The doctor used a practice catheter to make sure everything was clear and then he transferred the two embryos.   Instead of pulling out the catheter right away, they waited a minute and then slowly pulled it out.   As the embryologist checked the catheter, we all waited and then the doctor and nurse started cleaning up the OR.  During all this time I was still laying flat.  It was nice not be whisked out right after transfer.   After exciting the OR, I was put in a recliner that leaned rather far back for about 10 minutes.   Even after this time was up, we were able to take our time getting dressed and leave.  In no way were rushed or pushed through.   It was a fantastic experience and everyone was so very positive.

The transfer begins my favorite part of the cycle PUPO (pregnant until proved otherwise).   Even though I have to continue to take progesterone injections and 6 mg of estrogen daily, it is the one time in the cycle that there is total hope that I will be pregnant and I am need to treat my body as if it is pregnant.   I take things easily (no heavy workout sessions....oh darn), eat healthy (well as much as I can), park in "expectant mother" spots (let's be honest I do this anyways but normally out of spite).   I get to really dream about all the things that will occur when I finally get that positive result.  Will I call Sean right away?  Will I go buy something special?   Will I just break down and cry?  We all know that the last option is the one that will probably occur.  Until February 13th, I get to think of myself as pregnant and that is one of the best feelings in the world.  For right now I'm not going to think about what I will do if I receive a negative result yet again; I'm going to try to stay positive and enjoy this time since there is a chance that I may only get 2 weeks of it.