In mourning

       Merriam Webster defines to mourn as "to feel or express grief".   Even though I am not sure it should, this term applies to me right now.  I am in a deep state of mourning.  I have turned to all my mourning food: dark chocolate and cookie dough (from Maggie) to chip and french onion dip and wine (from Dennis); however a death did not occur, or did it?   Unlike the previous 16 or so tries, I know for fact that an life was created.  I had two little embryos that could have become my future children but didn't.  Even though it is not technically counted as a lost, I cannot help but feel as though it is.  Even though I get out of bed every day and go though my day, my brain is on the failed IVF.  What did I do wrong?   What could I have done better?  Am I to blame?   Deep inside my mind I know that I didn't do anything wrong, but that doesn't stop all the thoughts from coming.  Should I have not gone to work two days after the transfer?  Should I not have let the kitchen curtain stress me out when it just wouldn't seem to go up?  Should I have not gone to tech week of the middle school show?
      Whether I accept or not (and I can't say I totally accept it), I am not pregnant.  Once again, all our hard work and prayers did not work.  It is pretty pathetic, but all sorts of things will send me into tears over this.  Announcements of only 20-some odd days left of school leave tears in my eyes.  It is one more year that I will leave school without being pregnant.   Though I am excited about our cruise, my heart sinks at the thought of our excurision to Universal, Islands of Adventure.    Though seeing Harry Potter World will definitely be AMAZING, we weren't going to go there if I was pregnant.   Speaking of Harry Potter, I was fully brought to tears by a TV spot today for Harry Potter 7 part two.  Why you ask?  Well, I had the wierd thought that if I was pregnant, my child would have the opportunity to see the final HP movie in theatres.  Silly, huh?  I am sure these things are going to continue coming.
      I dread almost every day at work when I could have the possibility of running into one of the pregnant women at work, or even worse a surprise pregnancy announcement.   I wake up with one thought:  "It still hasn't happen".   Even though I try to stay positive, it is so difficult right now.  I am beyond thankful for entire support group.  Poor Lauren listens every day to my whining about my infertility without a single complaint or even a simple "Shut UP!".  My mother deals constantly with the issue of infertility.  It is just like when we were planning my wedding only much more depressing.
    So, what is next?  To be honest, I don't know.  Prior to our IVF, my RE said we would do one fresh cycle and then one frozen.  I am not sure if this still going to be the deal.  We have a follow up appointment with our RE, or what is affectionally know as the WTF -what the fuck- (sorry Mom!) by the infertile community, on Monday.  I have about 15 questions for him, half of which I probably won't ever ask.  After this point, I hope we have a clearer plan, which hopefully included getting at least something completed this summer, even with out cruise in the middle.
   I guess until I am blessed with real children I will have to spoil my three amazing furbabies.   For those of you who do not know them, let me introduce them to you.

My sweet, and slightly crazy, little girl Holly

My slightly less crazy, and a little heavier, girl Millie

My sweetest girl, Dulce, with her favorite summertime toys, flip flops