It is amazing that 9 days can actually feel as long as they have and I still have about 28 left of waiting. Even though my positivity about this cycle goes down by the day and after yesterday and today I am almost positive I will see another BFN, it seems like it has taken years to get to this point. By tomorrow afternoon, Sean and I will know definitely whether this cycle worked or not. By the following afternoon, I will've meet with our RE to see if he has any further ideas for us before we begin our search for second opinions.
I have been doing my best to keep my mind away from thoughts of this cycle and babies. It isn't as easy as you think; just when I think I am safe WHAP something pops up. I spent much of my free time last week immersed in the life of a post WWII nurse who finds herself transported to 18th century Scotland. There were battles, witchcraft, imprisonment, and of course romance. The best part of the story? The woman was barren! It was great to see her pain as she faced another month without a child or as she told her new 18th century husband that she couldn't give him children. This might be callous of me, but it was a welcome change to most stories out there....until the end. I will give you one guess what happened during the last few paragraphs of the story. That is right! She miraculously became pregnant by her 18th century husband. Do you think that could work for me? Do you think Sean would mind if I traveled back in time and found myself an 18th century Scot? I would certainly come back to him with said child. It's fun to be inside my head, isn't it?
Yesterday, I was able to lose myself in the bright lights of Times Square in the memories that come flooding back everytime I step into the city. The nights spent at a now gone bar on 48th and 8th. The dinners at various restaurants up and down 8th Ave midtown. The earlier days spent walking through Times Square with hoards of dancers and dance moms (I swear they are not all as crazy as shown on TV). Time spent riding the elevators up and down in Marquee. Classes taken in the ballrooms. Warm-ups on the rug. But as much as I try, baby thoughts always find a way to creep in. Will I ever get to share this place and these memories with my child? Will I ever get to make new memories taking my daughter to dance class or to the theare? I knew it had gotten bad when I walked by a window full of Yankees apparel including a few onsies and I thought, "Wow, if I knew I could have a child, I would put my child in it right away."
As hard as I try, babies, or lack thereof, are always on my mind. I just can't wait until tomorrow comes and I start thinking about whether or not I want to go through this again. With every BFN, the part that says "I'm done" grows larger and larger. As much as I want a family, maybe a biological one is just not in the cards for us. Maybe we are meant to give a better life to some not even concieved yet child. Maybe it is time to start down this path.
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