Infertile Holiday

      There are only a few things that infertiles dread more than pregnancy announcements, and those are baby showers and holidays.  Both are constant reminders of what you can't have, especially if your family includes small children.   There will often be questions about when you will have questions or even just comments about how loooong you been married, even it had only been a few months or years.  Showers are normally you something you can avoid or deal with if the friend/family member is important enough to you.  Holidays, on the other hand, are unavoidable.  Unless you lock yourself in your bedroom and keep the TV off, reminders are all around.    Every little thing reminds you of the things you should be doing with your children that just don't want to arrive.
     With Easter only a few days away, I have been thinking almost constantly if I can handle the holiday.   I am very lucky that my family is supportive and won't say or bring up anything unless I do, but it still doesn't make it easy.  Even though I absolutely love spending time with my little cousins, it pains me to see them begging Sean to play with him.   I would give anything to throw our child in the mix, so he/she can beg their father to play with me.   I seem my aunt and uncle with their grandkids and I ache for my parents.  This is something they want so badly and just can't have.   I am not sure if this is something I can handle this year.
      Each holiday that passes gets harder and harder to deal with.  When we first started trying to conceive, I was sure by Easter I would be pregnant and by Christmas I would have a baby in my arms.  When that didn't work, I knew I would be pregnant at Christmas and by Easter have a baby in my arms.   When that didn't work, I knew I would be pregnant by Easter.  Here comes Easter and there is no baby for me.  Yes, we have begun our IVF cycle, but that still doesn't help.  Each holiday acts as a deadline that I am desperate to meet but cannot, no matter how hard I try.   It is one time that I truly feel like a failure and that I am letting down everyone, in many ways.  I can't produce the child that everyone desires; I can't pull myself together to do more than play act happy; I can't decide if it is easy to just skip the whole ordeal or suck it up. 
    To make it worse, Mother's Day and Father's Day follows Easter.  It is the infertile trifecta.   While spring is the time where nature comes to life, it is the season that depresses all infertiles and sends them into hibernation until the slightly freer summer.  I don't even want to think about Mother's Day and Father's Day yet.   Just the thought of it brings me to tears.  Another reminder of everything I want but can't have.
     For most people, holidays are a time to get together with your family and celebrate.  However for those who are infertile, holidays feel like walking through a mine field.   You have to be careful where you step, or sit down next to, for you never know when a bomb is going to blow and totally ruin your thin mask of happiness.