In honor of National Infertility Awareness Week coming up later this month (April 24-30), I decided to fully open up about our experience with infertility. After about a year and a half of trying, we are still no closer to having a baby than when we began. I am lucky enough to have the support of family and some friends, as well as some great support groups online. However, I'm hoping this blog will give me an outlet for my emotions, as well as open some peoples eyes about infertility. Because trying to conceive is such a personal battle, infertility is normally something hidden. Because of this, most states don't even see it as valid medical problem, so insurance coverage is almost non-existent. Hopefully I can give someone else comfort, hope, or even simply understanding.
I was always the person who planned every aspect of her life. Even though things didn't turn out the way I expected (I never did have the chance to dance professionally nor did I get a job where I traveled the globe doing public relations), things always turned out the best. I have a job that I love (90% of the time), a condo (a little small, but we own it), and three slightly neurotic but loving cats. On top of this all, I was beyond lucky to find a guy like Sean. He is everything that I could've wished for. He supports me (albeit not as vocally as I would like sometimes), cares for me more than I can say and makes me laugh.
Days into our marriage, we decided to start building our family. This was always something we discussed and wanted. We were beyond excited to get excited and of course our first child would show up a mere nine months later. Over the first few months, we were relaxed about and just let it happen, but it didn't happen. The OCD part of me decided I need more control, so I started reading up and doing everything in my power to make it happen. Of course I would be pregnant by the time school was out that year. Well that timeline flew by. I was slowly passes all the timelines of people around me. Well it took me three months of trying, six months, nine months. All those timelines meant nothing to our attempts.
We went on our first vacation as a couple, Disney World. It was definitely one of my favorite trips I have ever been on. It was a great experience to show Sean the magic for the first time. Of course, a little trip magic was all we needed. But of course, it didn't work.
By this point, we both were getting worried. I started taking some extra vitamens and seeing an acupuncturist. This was something that petrified me, voluntarily getting dozens of needles stuck in my body, no thank you! However, I was getting to a point where I would try anything. Surprisingly, acupuncture quickly began may favorite hour out of the whole week. I attempted to start doing yoga. Any of you who really know me, know how great this went. I think I may have accomplished completing a yoga workout once a month, even that is a stretch.
After talking with my doctor, we were referred to a repoductive endocrinologist, or a fertility specialist. Sean and I both went through a variety of tests. As we anxiously awaited the results, I spent my time on the message boards that have become my support groups and salvation during this whole process. I learned about all the things that could be wrong and how they could be fixed. A few weeks after all the tests, we got our results -- the dreaded unexplained infertility. We were basically told that everything was fine with both of us, we just couldn't get pregnant. Great right? Nothing wrong! Then why can't we be like the other 93% of couples and get pregnant. That would be too easy right?
Right away we began treatments. These involved me taking fertility pills for a few days, have a number of ultrasounds and bloodwork, and then having two back to back inseminations. This gave us a 10-15% of getting pregnant, less than the normal 20% of any regular couple. We went though three months of this treatment.
Every month, as much as we would try not to, we would get excited. Hey we had names picked out, we knew how we would tell everyone, we knew where would take the child(ren) on vacation (Disney World of course), why wouldn't it happen? Sadly, it never did.
We headed back to the doctor for the next step. IVF (In vitro fertilization) would work; it would give us a 50% chance of working. Our doctor was very confident this would work. He even made the comment that I would pregnant by the end of the year. Sadly our insurance did not feel the same way. They want to try some different medication with the inseminations. We suddenly feel like we are being propelled backwards. We are in the middle of a battle with insurance to figure out what we are doing next.
We both feel lost that we can't have a child the way most people do. Why do we have to fall into that 7% of people? What did we do wrong? The answer is nothing. There was nothing that either of us did that put us into this category. We just drew the short straw in the fertility competition. No amount of "relaxing" will make it happen; the chances of us having a "surprise" is 2%.
Sadly, infertility has changed our lives and our marriage. It seems every decision we make, for better or for worse, is based around our infertility. Should we go on vacation this summer? What if it interfers with treatment? Should we make these plans with family? What should I do if I need to take a shot or other medication? With all it negative effects, infertility has given Sean and I something to fight for together. This is something we both want more than anything. I can see it every time I watch Sean play with my cousins or snuggle my friend's new baby. He wants this as bad as I do.
I'm hoping this blog will give me an outlet for my emotions, as well as open some peoples eyes about infertility. Because trying to conceive is such a personal battle, infertility is normally something hidden. Because of this, most states don't even see it as valid medical problem, so insurance coverage is almost non-existent.
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