1 month!

Olivia was 1 month old yesterday.  I can't believe the time has gone so fast. Each month I'm going to try to record some basic information about her to let everyone know, but also to help me remember this time.

Weight: 8 pounds 3.5 ounces (25th percentile)
Length: 21 inches (50th percentile)

Milestones: 

• can hold head up at 45 degree angle for a few seconds and at times can turn head from one side to the other side when on belly
• starting to vocalize, especially when looking in a mirror (she loves to look at herself)
• starting to really smile, especially at Mommy

Firsts:

• bath - October 25th 
• Halloween - dressed as Minnie Mouse
• Nor'easter & Hurricane

Sleeping habits:
    Most nights she sleeps well at 3-3.5 hour segments at the beginning of the night and slightly shorter as the night goes on.  Naps during the day last between 30 and 90 minutes normally.   When she starts to get over-tired, she likes to be swaddled and held.  Luckily I found a great white noise app because she also likes "shh-ing" sounds and I was losing my voice.  

Eating habits:
   She eats 2-3 ounces every 2-3 hours.  She averages about 2.5 ounce most often.  She is a fairly slow eater and I have attempted to put quicker nipples on the bottles, but she tends to drown herself then.  She also began a bad habit of wanting to eat an hour or so after a feeding and then only drinks .5 ounce or so.   According to the doctor she is just trying to soothe herself with the bottle and I need to break her of the habit of turning to food for comfort.  I guess I have to use the pacifier more often, even though I don't want her to become dependent on it.

At her appointment today, she had to get her 2nd hepatitis B shot.  She was already crying because she was just fussy, but as soon as the needle went in her cry went from just a fussy cry to a a real scream.  The poor little girl!  However she was quickly quieted when I picked her up and she got a lovely band-aid:

Right now, she is napping in her crib, which I was told I need to do more often to get her used to sleeping there. :(  Later we are heading to book club.  I need to get her literary before her father gets her hooked on movies.

What I have learned in 3 short weeks

1. No schedule for newborns much to the stress of type-A moms:
   As many of you know, I do the best when I know what the day will bring.  I like having a schedule and following it (maybe that is what makes a good teacher).  After reading and talking to our pediatrician, I was confident that Olivia would eat every two-three hours and then play for 30-90 minutes and then nap.  HA!  That type of routine belongs in a fantasy world with wands, horcruxes and platform 9 3/4s.  Sometimes she will eat every three hours and sometimes she eats every hour and throws a fit if I don't feed her.  Sometimes she wants to play for hours after she eats and sometimes she falls asleep before even finishing her bottle.   Some days start off good.  She wakes up, eats and plays and then sleeps until about 2.5 hours after her feeding.  She exhibits hunger signs so I try to feed her and she drinks a whopping 1/2 ounce and then passes out.  There goes that schedule.   I do plan on talking to the doctor next week about what type of schedule I should be trying to get her on though I have a feeling her real routine will come when I go back to work.   I mean I don't even have a routine right now, unless you count staying in pjs until Sean gets home and showering when possible.

2. Bed time as exercise routine:
    Ah the bed time routine!  The miracle that will get your child to sleep!  Right now our bedtime routine consists of Olivia fussing and crying for an hour while I walk circles around the house and Sean turns up the volume on the TV.  Then I finally get her relaxed enough that she will take a bottle, so we rock while she eats and I read a story or two.   Normally during this time, she is fighting to stay awake, so I rock her a bit more and once she is "asleep" I put her down gently in her crib, put the sleep sheep sound machine on and silently leave the room.  I get on the couch or in bed and in less than five minutes she is screaming again.  Cue me getting out of bed, trying to comfort her in the crib to no avail and finally rocking her.  Not long after she is asleep in my arms and I gently put her in her crib, put on the sleep sheep sound machine and silently leave the room.  I get on the couch or in bed and in less than five minutes she is screaming.   This goes on for a good 30 minutes to an hour with Sean and I taking turn.  Normally it ends with me in tears begging my poor little girl to tell me what she wants.   Normally it is something we have offered 100 times throughout this process, such as reswadling, some more formula or a pacifier.   By the time she falls asleep, she is sleeping peacefully but my nerves are fried and I can't fall asleep even though I have made about 20 trips up the stairs.   Luckily she is sleeping between 3 and 4 hours at time so I can at least get some sleep. 

3. Video monitors - Gift from God or from the Devil:
    When Sean and I were registering, we decided that we would spend some extra money and go for the video monitor.  We figured that it would help us keep a better eye on her.  I'm not sure if the video monitor was such a good purchase or not.  Yes, it allows me to keep an eye on her while she sleeps and stops me from going into her room constantly to make sure she is still breathing (though I do still have to check at least once a nap). I also use to check on her when she starts to fuss.  It gives me a good idea about whether I need to go into or if she was just fussing in her sleep.   However, there are definitely times that this creation is definitely from the devil to torture new parents who can't sleep.  Many times at night she will be WIDE awake in her crib and just sort of looking around.  If we had an audio only monitor, I would never know about these periods, which normally occur right after she get puts down.   However I can see her staring at the camera.  I swear she knows it's there and she knows that I'm on the other end watching and willing her to sleep.  It is almost as if she is taunting me.  "Ha ha Mom. You thought I was asleep, but I wasn't.  It was all a trick and I'm going start screaming at any time."  It is like she is playing a game with me, but no matter how much I want to I cannot turn on the screen until I see her eyes close.

4. Hot meals are a luxury:
     Another thing Olivia seems to know instinctively is when my food is ready.  She can be mid-nap and just as my food is ready she is wide awake and wants to eat herself or is just being fussy.  Other than the times I have been at my parents and at the hospital, I don't think I have had a hot dinner since she was born.   Now that she likes her bounce seat, I can normally get a semi-warm meal after I make her happy.   From talking to other moms, I'm thinking that this will continue to be a luxury for the near future and when I do get to have a warm meal again I will be sharing it with her.

5.  Too many days in the house creates a cranky mommy (and baby):
  I have never been someone who has been happy sitting around the house.  A day or even two can be nice, but more than that makes me cranky.  Add no sleep to that and you better watch out.  I have read all about the warnings about taking a baby out too early, but I'm sorry I just can't stay cooped up in the house.  I was at the mall under a week old and I ended up fine (except for my slight shopping addiction).   Olivia was out at 5 days old because I just needed out.   Two days is my limit staying in and that is stretching it sometimes.

6. Sleep when baby sleeps is a myth:
   I have yet to figure out how to accomplish this one.  At first I was too paranoid to sleep.   All that pre-baby education was great except it made me scared shitless of SIDS.  After I relaxed from that, I just wanted to look at her while she sleeps.  With the exception of nighttime, I don't think she slept anywhere but on me or someone else for a good week and a half.  Now I have gotten to the point that I try to put her down when she naps and even try to get to nap in her crib at least once a day, so that gives me tons of time to rest right?  Wrong.  I have this nagging urge to make sure the house is picked up (the real cleaning I leave to my cleaning lady that I have every other week until the end of the year).  Then there are times that I would like to actual eat (something I don't do much of anymore) and then there are even times I want to cook or bake (gasp).  This is worse than nesting.  I can't just seem to lay down and sleep.  When I get to the point that I'm relaxed enough to actually nap, guess what?  She wakes up five minutes later.  All part of that newborn ESP I think.  If anyone actually has mastered this, please let me know.

7. Everything can be done in steps:
   I have yet to find anything that can't be done in steps and often very little steps:  reading, phone conversations, dishes, even blogging.  It seems that everything gets done now in parts.  I may have 20 minutes here and then 5 minutes there.  I don't know how many times I have had to stop and start something.  The other day I jumped into shower and just as I got in, Olivia started screaming.  I quickly washed my body and jumped out.   I then spent a good twenty minutes wrapped in my bathrobe because I just didn't have time to get really dressed.   I didn't get to washing and blow drying my hair until the next day; a process which took a good two hours.   Now this blog is on session number 5 over the course of 3 days.  Hopefully I can finish it now.

8. Don't be afraid to ask for help:
    I honestly think I'm doing very well with Olivia.  A lot of things just feel natural.   However, I didn't realize how lucky I was to have help the first three weeks of her life.  Sean was with me the first two weeks and my mother helped me out half days for the third.  I felt great!   It was nice to be able to pass a fussy Olivia off so I could make a bottle before she started screaming or to have someone else entertain her when she was awake because you just can't focus anymore.  Help is necessary.  I couldn't have survived.  Now I need to work on asking for help when I need.  When Sean comes home from work, I need to specifically ask him what I need help with.  Just like during our IVF cycles, he does not naturally know how to help.  "Please wash the bottles, please play with Olivia and keep her awake (a near impossible task), please wake up and handle this feeding because I'm going nuts."   This is just the start of the help I will need; I'm sure it's just going to become more difficult.

9. Be better prepared than a boyscout:
     There has been more than one time I have already been caught without something necessary.   First it was a bottle.  I was only going out for a little bit, so I didn't need a bottle right? Wrong.  Errands take three times as long with an infant and I ended up driving home with a screaming newborn in the car.  I also didn't remember to bring a pacifier so there was no way for me to comfort the poor little munchkin.   I made sure that the diaper bag was totally stocked, so I wouldn't be stuck in a bad situation again.  Or so I thought.   Fast forward about a week to a get together at my parents.  Olivia has a rather smelly bowel movement that couldn't be contained by her diaper.  Her entire outfit had to be changed, but of course I had one in my diaper bag.  Of course not!   Why would I think of that?  Luckily my aunt had given her some clothes that day, and even though they were 6 month size, we fit her in them so she wouldn't have to wear a towel.  I can tell you that I keep at least one outfit in the diaper at all times.  I'm sure this lesson will continue to be learned as she grows.  As well as I think I stock the diaper bag, I have a feeling I will always be missing something.

10. Enjoy your angel:
   The best part of the last few weeks is just having Olivia.  I can't believe she is here already.  I could just hold her forever.   Even when she is screaming (and I'm crying), I just love her so much.  Well the three years of infertility were incredibly difficult, they were totally worth it because we got Olivia out of the deal.

Here are a few new pictures for you to enjoy:

Presenting Miss Olivia Natalie!

I have been meaning to post to update you on the end of my pregnancy, but then little Miss Olivia decided that she couldn't wait any longer.   She arrived on Monday October 8th at 11:05 AM.  She weighed 6 lbs 7.5 oz and was 19 inches long.  She is such a good little baby.  We really lucked out.   She is such a snuggler and loves to be held by both Mommy and Daddy.   It is amazing how our life can be totally turned around by a little girl who barely fits in newborn clothing.  It seems all we do is look at her, take pictures of her and talk about her.  I still can't believe that after all our struggles our little princess is here.  It makes all the pain and all the tears worth it.  I would go through all of it again if it meant that I would end with her.

We are all beginning to adjust to our new roles, including the cats.   Sean is a great help and nothing is better than being elsewhere in the house and hear him talking or singing to Olivia.   She is so lucky to have such a fantastic Daddy.   Even the cats are doing well with her.   They like to be near her, but they pretty much ignore her.   We will see what they are like once she becomes mobile and begins chasing them.   Overall, she is sleeping and eating well.  She easily downs a 2 oz bottle and we are planning on upping the amount today.  She is a really good sleep, though we had a slightly tough first few days at home.   We originally planned to put her in a pack 'n play bassinet in our room and we tried it for the first two nights.  There were lots of tears over those two nights, both from baby and from Mom.   On Friday, I really needed to nap so I put her down in her crib for a nap.  She didn't fuss at all and slept for an hour and a half.   We decided to try her in her crib at night.   Well, she loves her own bed.  For the last two nights she has slept in her crib from about 9 PM to 8 AM waking about 3 or 4 times.  Hopefully she continues to be such a good little sleeper.

I'm going to include my birth story below for those who want to read it.   I promise I won't make it too graphic.  For those of you who want to skip it, here are some pictures of my little princess.

Birth Story:


I went to bed early on Saturday (10/6) because I was absolutely exhausted.  I had gone to baby shower that day and it took a lot out of me.  (Ironically, I was worried about going since it was over an hour away and my OB said it was fine since I wouldn't be 38 weeks until Sunday).   About 12:30 I woke up and felt a slight gush.  I was sure I peed my pants.  I stood up and could still feel dripping.  I went into the bathroom and my underwear and pj pants are soaked.   I realize that it was probably from my water breaking.  I shouted to Sean that I thought my water broke and I had to call the OB but to start waking up because we may be heading into the hospital.  Sure enough that was the case, we were the hospital by 1:30 AM Sunday.

I went into L&D triage and the resident checked me; sure enough my water has broken and I was staying the hospital for the duration even though I was only a "fingertip" dilated.   They brought us to a L&D room and set us up.  Sean (who never truly woke up) got comfortable on the couch and passed out, but I couldn't fall asleep. Even the nurses kept commenting on how awake and bright eyed I was.   I was so sure something had to happen soon, right?  Wrong.  There were no contractions or anything. 

Come noon on Sunday (10/7) contractions hadn't really started yet, so they decided to start Pitocin at 1.   Once again I thought it wouldn't be a long because in our birth class we were told that they would deliver the baby within 24 hours of the water breaking.   I thought I was halfway there.  Wrong again!  The rest of the afternoon was sort of slow and uneventful, except for when Olivia's heartbeat began jumping into the 180-190s bpm.   The doctor figured I was getting dehydrated so they pumped me full of fluids and sure enough her heartbeat dropped into its normal 140-150 range. 

Contractions began around 5ish and continued to slowly come throughout the night.  By 1 AM, I was ready for some pain meds.  The resident on call checked me and I'm still a "fingertip" dilated.  WTF!   Definitely not what I was expecting.  I think this is the first time tears started to come.  It had been 24 hours since my water broke and no real progress!  I couldn't get an epidural yet, so they gave me a narcotic to help take the edge off.  It worked and I was able to get a couple hours of sleep.   Two hours later it had worn  off and I needed something else.  The resident checked me again and I was only 3 cm dilated "if that much".  Cue total break down.   I was in pain and didn't want another narcotic that will just wear off.   I wanted this baby out since it is past 24 hours, but I would rather not have a c-section.   The nurse definitely came to my aid and talked with doctor and convinced him that an epidural right now would allow me to get some sleep and recharge enough to finish the process.  

The anesthesiologist came in not long after to give me the epidural.  It definitely hurt more than I thought it would, but this pain was definitely worth it.  I was very grateful until we realized it didn't fully take on my left side.  The contractions were so bad and they radiated through my hip that I couldn't comfortably lay down, but because of the epidural I couldn't really move.  After a few hours of trying to fix it by giving some extra amounts of the medication attached to my epidural, the anesthesiologist came back in and shot something else in through my epidural.  I finally got some sleep.  Keep in mind Sean is asleep on the couch for a majority of this time.

When I woke up the next morning about 7, the pressure the from the contraction was definitely greater but still not enough that they wanted to check dilation again.  I was getting really frustrated and just wanted an end.  Once again I was in tears thinking that this painful journey may not come to an end anytime soon.   The nurse went and got the doctor to talk options with me.  He would like to wait another 4-6 hours before talking about a c-section but would give me one right now if I wanted it. This really wasn't the answer I had hoped for, but after talking with Sean and the resident on call (ironically the one who checked me during triage) we decided to give it some time and then talk.  By 1 that day if there was no baby I would request a c-section.

Sean doesn't do well sitting around all day no matter where we are, so for both of our sanity, he headed home to do a few things.  So that I wouldn't be alone, my mother came to sit with me for a bit.   After a while she notices that my contractions began coming more quickly and were definitely stronger, so we decided to time them.  They were coming about every two minutes and lasting about a minute to a minute an a half and even with the epidural the pressure was so intense it was painful.  The nurse came in minutes later to check on me because she noticed this new pattern and she decided to call the resident to check me out.  While we waited, my mom called Sean and told him to start heading back.  He had one more quick errand to do so we said to do it and then come.  The resident checked me and kept saying "Oh my..Oh my".  It turns out I was fully dilated and she could see LO head which was covered in hair.  I was ready to push!  My mom calls Sean and tells him to hurry up.  Luckily he was only about 5 minutes away at the time.

Right before Sean shows up, I start to get very nauseated and end up throwing up a little (thanks Mom for holding my puke bucket!).  The nurse takes my temperature and I'm running a low grade fever, so the NICU team is called in (they were already put on alert because my water broke so long ago) and I'm started on antibiotics.  The nurse lets me know that Olivia will have to go to the NICU team before I get to hold her and she hopes that is okay.  She really looked like she was waiting for me say "No it was not okay".  I really can't imagine how a mother would not want to do do everything possible to make sure her baby is safe even if it means not being able hold her within the first five minutes of her life.  However according to my nurses I was a very easy going patient throughout my stay. 

Sean comes running through the door minutes later and my mom heads out to the waiting room so she can come back once Olivia is finally here.    It is now about 10:30, and I begin to push.   I was waiting for this to be a long process, but at 11:05 Olivia was born.   I definitely know the birth process hurt and I have a second degree tear, but I honestly don't remember how much.  Just seeing her come out and be healthy made me forget it all.   She was quickly given over to the NICU team to be checked out, but I could see her across the room.  She was beautiful already.   Within moments, Sean was able to go over and touch her and take pictures and I was stitched up.   Once things were cleaned up,  I had Sean go out and get my mother, who in the meantime had got my father to come out.  They all come in to see my little angel.  It isn't long before I was finally able to hold her.   I had to give her back quickly though because she needed to head to the nursery to her first round of antibiotics because of my fever.  While she was in the nursery, the nurse helped to move us to our postpartum room.  By the time we go there and got settled, Olivia was brought into us.  

The rest of our two day stay was pretty relaxed.  It was amazing how quickly I became accustomed to her and how easy it was for me to take care of her.   Even after the long delivery, I felt good and was healing well.   It was a long 35 hours, but it was totally worth it.

35/35

35 weeks pregnant & 35 days left!
        I really can't believe that time as flown so quickly.  It seems like it took me FOREVER to get pregnant and when we got that BFP on February 13th, I was sure it would feel like forever to get this close.   However it has flown.  I can't believe that in about a month Olivia will be here.   I think we're pretty much ready for her, at least physically.

        My shower was the beginning of August and it was absolutely amazing.   It was so great to be able to celebrate with all my family and friends.   Everyone was so generous, and we have really gotten everything we need.   With the exception of a few extra sheets and some odds and ends, we are all set for her to arrive.
        The nursery is pretty much all set, except for one shelf and a picture that still needs to be put up.   There are a number of boxes and things that need to go into the basement when it is completed, but they are neatly stacked in the corner so they aren't bothering me (that much).
          For the last few weeks, Sean and I have been going to our birth and prepare for baby classes.   I'm surprised that Sean actually stays focused for most of the two hours and will often mention information he learned throughout the week.  It is nice to have him go through this with me and to help me make any decisions, such as the importance of an epidural.   It took lots of drugs to get Olivia into me and it will take drugs to get her out.  We also took a new baby class last week, which went over some of the simple things of how to take care of a baby after you get her home.   It was very helpful and will hopefully keep us from calling our mothers obsessively once Olivia comes home.  We have two more weeks of our birth classes left, a breastfeeding class and a infant cpr class.
       The only thing I'm still not sure of is whether or not I want to breastfeed.  I'm not mentioning this to open a dialogue about why I should breastfeed, because I know all the benefits, believe me I have done my research.  I'm just trying to get my thoughts in line.   I'm almost certain that I will not be breastfeeding, or at least exclusively, once I return to work.  With my work schedule I would be pumping during my only free period and/or lunch everyday.  While some women are fine with this, I know that not having these time periods to get work done and to decompress will just stress me out.  That being said, I'm still unsure of what I want to do prior to that.   I know all the positives of breastfeeding, and I know all the negatives; I just can't decide which works best for me.   While I like the idea of my child getting all nutrients from me and that it is free, I also like the idea of allowing others to have the bonding time and to give me some opportunities to get other things done, like showering.  I like the idea of not having to worry where I am and trying to find a secluded place to breastfeed.  I know it is a perfectly natural thing, but I will not be comfortable feeding in a restaurant or in the middle of the mall.  This is not to say that I have anything against it, but it is just not for me.  To be honest, the main reason I'm still thinking of breastfeeding is because that is what I'm "supposed" to do.  I'm not sure if that is best reason for me to make this choice.   Like I said earlier, we are going to a breastfeeding class which I hope will give me more conviction one way or the other.  Right now I plan on going into it with an open mind.   If I decide to try it and end up sticking with it, great! If I try it and it just isn't for me and I switch to formula, great! If I decide to go straight formula, great!  
       I guess whether we are ready or not Olivia will come when she wants.   I can't wait to hold her in my arms and see who she looks like.  Crazy as it seems, I can't wait for those late night feedings when it is just her and I in the quiet of the house. 

Month of Traveling Over & Checklist Update

    As July came to a close so did my month of traveling.  When I last updated, I had completed one of the four trips I was taking during the month of July.  
     My second trip was down to the Cape to visit my friend Lauren at her parent's house.   I have made these trips for the last few years and have come to really enjoy them.   It is great to get away and the Grimleys treat me like I'm one of their own.   I didn't get to the beach as much as I wanted because little Miss Olivia decided to scare me.   She decided she would go on a little vacation of her own and not really move for over 24 hours.  On Monday morning, I called my OB and they recommended that I come into labor & delivery to be checked out.  Though it was about two hours to drive back to Worcester, I decided to do that because I feared that something major could be wrong.   Surprisingly I was uncharacteristically calm.   I knew I had to do the best for my little girl.  I was on the road for about five minutes when the OB on call called me back and told me just to go to the ER at the Cape because she was sure it wasn't a big deal.   I turn around and Lauren and I head to Cape Cod hospital and in about 30 minutes we're sitting in the maternity ward listening to Olivia's strong heartbeat.  The midwife performed what is called a non-stress test (NST).  To complete the test, I was strapped up to a monitor that recorded movement and contractions and I was given some apple juice and had to lay on my side.  After about 20 minutes, the midwife came back to check and as soon as she sat on the bed I felt Olivia kick.   The NST showed that she was moving consistently but just not enough for me to feel.  I was then released.   After that, I was told not to get too hot and stay hydrated and since it was very hot this day and the next, the rest of my vacation involved relaxing and a little shopping.
    My third trip was to NYC with my mother.  We try to go down to NYC at least once a year to see a Broadway show and we try to spend the night every few years.   Not only was this a great getaway for us, but it allowed Sean and my dad to paint the nursery and put the furniture together.  While we were in the city, we spent some time walking around, got Olivia her Halloween costume (A cute Minnie Mouse onesie), and ate some good food.  We also went to see Nice Work If You Can Get It, a Gershwin musical starring Matthew Broderick.   We both really enjoyed it; it was a nice light, upbeat type of musical.   I believe Olivia enjoyed it as well.  She began to really kick whenever a big dance number would come on.   She is destined to be a dancer!  Sean believes she was desperately trying to escape the torture.   Here is a picture of Olivia and me at her first musical:

The next day, my mom and I went to the Central Park Zoo and walked around for awhile.   Even though this trip was easier than normal, I still got very tired very quickly.   It was a great trip and the nursery looked amazing when we returned.
    Trip three was a "Christmas in July" trip for Sean's work.   We went to Boston with his coworkers and enjoyed a great day on the harbor and then dinner.   It was very nice to get away to a fantastic hotel in Boston and enjoy some great company.   It would've been nice to enjoy a good summer beer in the sun, but I was happier to feel Olivia kicking in the sun.   Like the NYC trip, it was amazing how wiped out I was on Sunday.   I asked Sean to leave right after breakfast because I couldn't  even function.  Why was I the one that felt hungover when I didn't have a sip of alcohol?
     With the trips competed, we were finally able to put away the suitcase (something Millie was very excited about) and I was able to complete a lot more of my checklist.  In fact it is almost complete.  Check it out:

• Organize cabinets in the kitchen
• Organize pantry
• Clean out nursery closet
• Organize master closet
• Clean out chest freezer (started, but there is something disgusting frozen on the bottom so this is a multi-week process)
• Order shower decor
• Create ultrasound poster  for shower
• Wash and put away Olivia's clothes (She already has more clothes than Sean)
• Set up nursery (Mostly done)
• Write out unit outlines for maternity leave sub
• Clean out car, especially trunk

That's right, three items left and only one isn't started at all!   I guess that's a good thing since my shower is this weekend and then I go back to school in less than three weeks (BOO!!!!)  My goal is to have everything finished by the time I go back to school.  I know I will be more tired than a normal start of the school year, especially since our childbirth classes start the end of August, and I want as much put together as possible.   Things are getting closer; I only have about 10 weeks left until we get to meet Olivia.  I can't believe after all of our struggles it is finally becoming real.
 

Update & the checklist

I guess my track record of being a bad blogger still stands.  I've been leaving you off with such cliff hangers and then nothing.   Over a month ago, Sean and I found out that we are having a baby girl!  I was shocked.  I made the ultrasound tech check two or three times because I was so sure that it was a boy.   I would have been ecstatic with either a boy or a girl, but I always wanted a girl.   I hope that she likes to dance because my mom and I had so many good experiences dancing.   Since finding out, I have had to really control myself when it comes to shopping, because there is just way too many cute pink things!   We have picked out bedding and a color scheme for the nursery.  The walls will be gray & white with black and pink accents.   Sean was vehemently opposed to pink walls, but I think this one home choice that he is right about.  I think the gray will look fantastic.

Even though I have been off for the summer, I seem to have not accomplished any of the things that I have set out to do.  Check out my to do list and all I have accomplished (HA!):

• Organize cabinets in the kitchen
• Organize pantry
• Clean out nursery closet
• Organize master closet
• Clean out chest freezer
• Order shower decor
• Create ultrasound poster & diaper cake for shower
• Wash and put away Olivia's clothes (thanks Liz for all the stuff!)
• Set up nursery
• Write out unit outlines for maternity leave sub

3 out of 10 completed or 70% left (look at those math skills!).   Okay I know it is only 3rd week of vacation and I took a graduate class the first, but I figured if I did a little every day it would be done early.   I can't touch any of the nursery stuff until after next weekend when the nursery is done.  However all I want to do is sit in the sun and read or go in the pool or sit in the air conditioning and watch junk TV.  

It also doesn't help that I seem to spend more time packing, unpacking and doing vacation laundry than anything else.   Every weekend I'm going somewhere.   Last weekend we did a big family trip to ME, this Sunday-Tuesday I'm heading down to the Cape to stay with the Grimleys, next weekend my mom and I are going to NYC, and then the following weekend Sean and I are going to Boston for a work trip.   The suitcase is permanently on the floor in our bedroom and stressing out our cats.

I promise (at least I hope to) to update sooner rather than later.   

Four Parks in Three Days!

Sean, my parents, Pumpkin and I returned home late on Monday night from a whirlwind trip to Disney World.   You can tell we are experienced park visitors, because we visited all four Disney parks (and saw almost everything we wanted to) all in three days!   It gave us just the amount of magic that I think we all needed, though we still have Disney on the brain.

About a year ago now, my mother learned that the work conference she attends annually would be held this year at the Walt Disney World Swan.   From that moment we talked about doing a weekend trip, but we officially started planning this fall.  At that time this trip was definitely bittersweet.  I couldn't wait to get back to Disney, but I still wasn't pregnant.  I feared that this trip would end up like our last Disney trip and our cruise the following year, marred by the fact I wasn't pregnant.   Thankfully that wasn't the case and once we knew our cycle was successfully, we joyfully continued planning the trip.

Because I only had one personal day left for the school year, my father, Sean and I decided to leave Friday evening.  Our flight was originally scheduled for about 6:30, but the time was pushed back to 7:40 a few months prior to the date.   I got home from work that day, finished packing and listened to Pumpkin's heartbeat one more time, and then we were in the car heading to Logan, only to find out our flight was delayed because of weather until 8:40.   Because of this we didn't get down to Florida until around midnight and walked into the hotel closer to 2 AM.   However even that late arrival wouldn't dampen our attempts at four parks in three days.

We woke up bright and early on Saturday and were in the Magic Kingdom by around 9:30.  There was a time in our planning that we didn't plan on going to Magic Kingdom until Sunday, but that just seemed wrong.   It felt fantastic walking into the park and knowing that that Sean and I were parents and that soon we would be bringing our own child into the parks.   The site of families no longer brought tears to my eyes.  Instead I was reveling in all the things we could do with our child.  After hitting everything we wanted to (and purchasing more than necessary), we went back to the room for some afternoon drinks (ice cream for the pregnant lady) and a much needed nap.

After about an hour and a half, we were up and ready to head to park number two, Disney's Hollywood Studios (still MGM in my heart).   We didn't do many of the rides there, but we were able to get a few in.  My mother, slightly begrudgingly, passed by Rock N' Roller Coaster without riding, seeing as though she couldn't quite convince Sean to ride.   We were able to have a fun dinner at the 50's Prime Time Cafe and then watched Fantasmic.  The best part of the show was watching the family in front of us.  It appeared to be an extended family (grandparents, aunts, cousins), but there were two small girls who were dressed up and had the best reactions when a new character stepped on stage.

Sunday was devoted to Epcot, with a morning of golf for the guys.   We were able to spend a good part of the morning in Future World.  Mom and I even got to ride twice!   After our afternoon break, we were able to explore the World Showcase for a bit.  If there was one thing that we can say we missed was that we didn't really get to walk throughout the countries like we had wanted, but we had all done that before

Monday was another early morning.   We were headed to Animal Kingdom and it opened at 8.   We all got up early, packed, ate breakfast and were in the car by 8:05.   Animal Kingdom was the first place where I had to sit out a ride, the safari.  Instead I walked around a little and just relaxed.  It was funny to look at the row of benches in front of the exit because it was filled with ladies with little bellies.  After the safari, we did most of the walking tours, the festival of the Lion King show (best show in Disney) and I convinced mom and Sean to go on Everest (I don't think they have forgive me yet).   After a little more shopping, we were heading back to airport to fly home.   I don't know if it was the car ride, the exhaustion, the lack of good food, or a combination, but by the time we reached the airport I wasn't feeling too well.  I was very happy to get on the plane and take a nap.   Our whirlwind trip was over.

I may have not been able to feel Pumpkin's excitement for the trip, but Pumpkin sure will have many memories of the trip.   We came home with a rather large Winnie the Pooh stuffed animal, a swaddled Simba stuffed animal, a pair of Mickey PJs and about three different onesies.  Most of this was from Meme and Pepe; they are getting the spoiling in early.  

Overall, we had a fantastic trip and I can't wait until we can take Pumpkin again; this time out of my uterus.  I know there will be many memories made there in the future.

On other news, I'm doing very well.  I had an appointment yesterday and everything looks great.  Pumpkin's heartbeat was beating strong at 140 beats per minute.  The best news was that we get to have our anatomy scan in about three weeks!    We will finally get to know if we are having a Lucas Alphonse or an Olivia Natalie.   Stay tuned!

I'm a horrible blogger & Month of firsts

Okay, I guess I need to start off and apologize for not posting earlier.   I left off with my cautiously optimistic post and then have been silent for over a month.   I grovel at your feet for forgiveness!  Pretty please!!!

Now that that is done, let me move on with updates.   Since my last post, I had one more ultrasound with the RE and then I was released!   I had to keep up my progesterone shots for another two weeks, but those are done now as well.  A few weeks later I had my first appointment with my OB.  I LOVE her!  She is very sweet and incredibly helpful.  I was disappointed, though, because I couldn't hear the heartbeat or see Pumpkin that day.  

Because I'm  so anxiety-filled, I bought a home doppler.  It may seem strange to you, but I know many IF ladies who have purchased one since the years of IF doubts keep creeping it.   It took me a while to find the heart beat at home, but now I can find it pretty easily.  I love listening; it is the best sound in the world.

Yesterday, we had out NT scan.  The scan measures an area of the neck and using blood work results to give us our chances for some genetic disorders, such as Downs syndrome.   At first Pumpkin was just laying there with his (because I swear it will be a boy) hand up by his face.   The tech measured the heartbeat first.  It sounded amazing and was at 154 bpm, which is great.  She then wanted to get the baby to move a little bit so she could get all the necessary measurements, so she gave me a juice box.  In a couple of minutes, Pumpkin was bouncing all around.  It was so strange to see Pumpkin moving so much and not feel anything.   I really can't wait until that begins!    We did ask if the tech could take a little peak between his legs and give us a guess, but she refused saying she never does it this early.  I guess we will have to wait until the beginning of June, even though that seems like it is forever away!  

After the scan, we met with the OB.  She answered all the questions I had and then sent me on my way to get more blood work done (I thought I was done with needles!).   Overall, it was a great appointment.  I did receive a call today that I'm slightly anemic, so I will need to take a supplement throughout the pregnancy, but it could be so much work.

It is amazing how many firsts I have experienced over the last few weeks.  I had my first appointment with my OB.  I heard Pumpkin's heartbeat for the first time.  I had my first day in 2012 without any needles (and it was wonderful).   I bought my first baby products.  I brought Pumpkin to his first concert (Queen tribute band).  I know there will be so many more firsts coming up in the upcoming months:  Pumpkin's first plane ride and trip to Disney, feeling Pumpkin move for the first time.  

I still cannot believe that is finally happening to me.   I really thought it would never come!  I promise that I will update sooner.  I can now stay awake when I get home from work and next week is vacation, so I will definitely post soon. 

Still Cautiously Optimistic

Sean and I went in for our first ultrasound this morning.   The tech said I'm measuring at exactly 6 weeks which would put my due date on October 18th.   Even though there was a chance of multiples, we are happy to see only one little sack and our baby (which really looked like a little white dot).  We were even lucky enough to see the heartbeat.  This however isn't bringing me as much peace of mind as I would've hoped.   The ultrasound tech mentioned that the heart beat was a little low (78 when it should be between 90-110) and that it should be monitored closely.  Of course this started the tears almost immediately.  Really? Can't anything go smoothly?

After the ultrasound, we had a meeting with our nurse.  It was so great to finally get to talk to her face to face after spending so many months talking on the phone.   She assured me that we shouldn't be worried about the low heartbeat.  I'm only 6 weeks exactly and the heart could've just started beating today.  She told us that they have seen women who haven't found any heartbeats at 6 weeks go one to have very successful pregnancies.  It definitely did calm me down, but I have to say that I'm not 100% relaxed.   I now have to wait two more weeks (TWO WEEKS!!!!) to have a second ultrasound.  At this point in time I will meet with the RE and hopefully graduate to a regular OB (which I need to find soon).    Until then I have to continue with my progesterone injections and just keeping waiting cautiously optimistic!  I really hope this is it!

Best Valentine's Ever!

Sean and I decided awhile ago that we wouldn't buy each other Valentine's presents this year (even though he bought me roses and an Itunes gift card).  Instead we spend Monday night wandering around Babies R Us and purchased a $200 gift card so we can buy a big ticket item once my due date gets closer.  That's right I said due date.   IVF #3 officially worked!  Every new we tried has done the job!

I went in for a pregnancy test (beta) on Monday.  My levels were 195, which was in the average range for 16 dpo.   I went back in today (Wednesday) and was tested again. The doctor wanted to see a 66% increase.  Well this baby (or babies) is/are definitely mine.  My HCG levels jumped to 632 which is over triple the first level.   This could possibly mean that there is more than one snuggled in.   Sean and I will get an answer to this question next Thursday when we have first ultrasound!   I can't wait to see them again.  They have grown so much from the 8-cell picture I have them.

I have told a number of people since so many have supported us throughout our journey.  I feel they deserve to know.   We have decided not to fully out ourselves for a few weeks.  We definitely cannot wait until I'm out of first tri, but we want to wait a little longer just to make sure things are going well.  So if you found this post, CONGRATS! You must be part of the inner circle :).    Thank you for sharing this journey with us.  I will be sure to keep you informed throughout the pregnancy. 

Halfway there

I'm currently 7dp3dt and my beta (pregnancy) test in next Monday 13dp3dt; in less than a week I will know whether this cycle has worked or not.   I really love thinking that it is going to work, but I don't exactly "feel" pregnant.  On the same note, I don't exactly feel as though AF is coming either.  It is interesting though that I'm aware of every cramp, gurgle and pinch that occurs in my abdomen; what all this means I have no clue.   How do you plan for such an event?   Women trying to get pregnant the natural way never really know that there was a living embryo in their uterus.  I really think a negative after an IVF cycle is very different than any other cycle.  However medically speaking, a failed IVF cycle is simply a failed cycle.  There is no acknowledgement of the living embryo that was in your uterus.   Right now I equate this more with a miscarriage than with a failed natural cycle.  I know that there was a growing embryo, but just like a miscarriage it couldn't thrive.  I will have lost a child just as much as everyone; it's just that no one looks at it so.  That makes it a little harder to get over.   I have photo proof of the six children I have already lost, something a lot of women who miscarriage do not.  

I'm currently trying to live by the motto my therapist gave when I first met with her: "Expect the worse, but hope for the best".   While I have some great ideas of what will happen if I finally get the BFP:  trip to Babies R Us, some great phone calls and a celebratory dinner (mother's don't have to cook, right?); I'm trying to focus on how I will respond if it is negative.   Hopefully I will be home by the time I get the call and I can spend the night crying into a bottle (or two) of wine before putting away baby's first (and only) picture away.  Then I will somehow try to move forward with everything.

Hopefully all of this will be moot and next week I will be buying baby products and we will be discussing baby names (which will probably take a good 12 months to agree).  Hopefully our family trip to Disney in May will be a true family trip and we can take our first family picture in front of the castle.  Hopefully I will be yet one more woman who overcame infertility.

Love bugs on board

Yesterday about 2:30 we transferred two 8-cell great quality embryos.  The entire experience was so much more relaxed than my previous three transfers.   I always felt like I was a number who was rushed in and out, but this clinic really took their time.   Sean and I went into the OR and the nurse helped to get me settled in the rather attractive position.  She explained everything to me even though she had done this before bringing us in.  The doctor used a practice catheter to make sure everything was clear and then he transferred the two embryos.   Instead of pulling out the catheter right away, they waited a minute and then slowly pulled it out.   As the embryologist checked the catheter, we all waited and then the doctor and nurse started cleaning up the OR.  During all this time I was still laying flat.  It was nice not be whisked out right after transfer.   After exciting the OR, I was put in a recliner that leaned rather far back for about 10 minutes.   Even after this time was up, we were able to take our time getting dressed and leave.  In no way were rushed or pushed through.   It was a fantastic experience and everyone was so very positive.

The transfer begins my favorite part of the cycle PUPO (pregnant until proved otherwise).   Even though I have to continue to take progesterone injections and 6 mg of estrogen daily, it is the one time in the cycle that there is total hope that I will be pregnant and I am need to treat my body as if it is pregnant.   I take things easily (no heavy workout sessions....oh darn), eat healthy (well as much as I can), park in "expectant mother" spots (let's be honest I do this anyways but normally out of spite).   I get to really dream about all the things that will occur when I finally get that positive result.  Will I call Sean right away?  Will I go buy something special?   Will I just break down and cry?  We all know that the last option is the one that will probably occur.  Until February 13th, I get to think of myself as pregnant and that is one of the best feelings in the world.  For right now I'm not going to think about what I will do if I receive a negative result yet again; I'm going to try to stay positive and enjoy this time since there is a chance that I may only get 2 weeks of it.

What a pain in the @ss!

No I'm not talking about my darling husband; I'm talking about the lovely intramuscular (IM) injection that I get to enjoy in a few brief hours.   Even though getting a 1.5" needle stuck in my butt cheek is exciting enough, it gets better.  This needle is my trigger for my egg retrieval which is scheduled for 9:15 on Saturday morning!  

This injection represents the fourteenth needle that I have been stuck with since Sunday: 4 nights of gonal-f (stimulating), 5 mornings of lupron, and 4 blood draws.   In addition to all this, I have been up at 4:45 and out of the house at 6 for the last three mornings so that I could drive down to the home of the AFC Champions for blood work and ultrasound.  My plan of running into Brady and getting Super Bowl tickets didn't work, but I did get the chance to move forward in my cycle.  This IM injection is just one thing in a long list of things that I have to do on my journey to have a child.

After the retrieval on Saturday,  we will have two embryos transferred on Tuesday and hopefully they will snuggle in for a long rest.

Be Thankful for What You Have...

This is a concept that so many of us forget about, but sadly I was reminded of this last week.   A week ago Thursday I, along with my colleagues, had to do one of the hardest things ever asked of us:  tell our students one of their classmates had died the night before.   This student was one who who touched every person he interacted with.  He was a strong student, strong athlete, strong musician, and just an all around fantastic kid.   He was definitely one the smartest students I have ever had and on top of that was always willing to share his ideas and help out his classmates.   He is already sorely missed and my heart still goes out to all my students and his family; this definitely cannot be easy for any of them.

But as with many horrible events, we must try to find the good in this early passing.  Way too often, we focus on everything we do not have instead everything we have.  I'm definitely very guilty of this.  Come on, I have a whole blog devoted to the child(ren) I don't have.  Even though we are still working (very hard) to fill this area of life, there are so many things that I do have.   I have a condo which has almost been entirely renovated since we moved in.  I have a job that I love.   I have three furbabies who keep me entertained and warm.   I have an incredibly supportive husband, even though he has enjoyed giving me shots the last few days.   I have an amazing family and incredibly fantastic friends.  I work in a building that is more than a family than I ever expected it to be.   I know everyone i there to help me if I need to.   I'm very lucky to be a psuedo-aunt to my friend's incredibly sweet and perfect 10 month old.    I'm also very lucky that I have two good friends who are each expecting their own little girls this coming June.  It is all of these things that I need to focus on, even though I can still feel a huge whole that only a child can fill.   Please take a minute or two to hugs the ones you love and to take a look at everything you do have; you never know when something will be pulled away from you.
   It is with this thought in mind that I have moved forward with my cycle.   I was able to start my stimulating medication on Tuesday.  Luckily I feel no side-effects yet after three days of stims.  By this time in my last cycle, I was already starting to feel full.   I hope that I still have tons of follicles growing strong; my RE said that the lupron (my morning shot) can make the follicles grow a little slower.   I go into the doctor again on Sunday morning (Gotta love those 6 AM drives to Boston) and then I will be starting morning monitoring.  ER and ET is just around the corner!

New Year...New Cycle...New Hope

What a better way to start 2012 than officially starting IVF #3.   I got to wake up early (on the last day of vacation) to give myself the first shot of Lupron.  This officially starts my third cycle.   It is also one of the many changes that goes along with this cycle. 

1. New RE:  as I said before, we decided to move clinics and REs after the last failed cycle.  Even though it is pain to have to drive to Boston or Foxboro for all my appointments, there is a lot of comfort coming going to a clinic that is part of a much larger and such well known clinic as Brigham and Womens.   I have a great doctor and a great nurse.   I know they will walk me through this procedure and answer every (often stupid) question that I have.
2. New Protocol:  Our new RE decided to do a different IVF protocol, so out of the seven medications that I will take throughout the cycle I'm only using one that I have used for fresh cycle before.  Everything else is brand new and should help our cycle be successful.   The lupron should help me grow good quality eggs, the medrol and doxycycline should help keep everything healthy once transferred, and the estrace and progesterone in oil should help to keep my lining fluffy and a place the embryos want to stay for a long time.   
3. Assisted hatching:  Another change the RE wanted to make was assisted hatching; something that is done frequently at their clinic.  This is when the embryologist will cut a small hole in the shell of the embryo prior to the embryo being transferred.  This is a common procedure for women with multiple failed cycles. It is believed that the shell can be too hard for even a high quality embryo to break through on its own. The negative about this is that it increases the chances for twinning.  However my dad swears this is how I'm going to get my three kids, all in one swoop.  Let's hope he is wrong.  Three might be a little much in our 1000 sq ft condo.
4. Acupuncture:  Well this isn't exactly new, but it is a return.  After my last cycle, I took a few months away.  While the appointment were always relaxing, I guess I needed a few months where I wasn't getting stuck with any needles.   I went back for my first appointment last week, and this just added to the list of all the new things we are trying this cycle.  He has a new office and has decided to do a slightly new treatment which includes less needles.  I may actually get through this cycle without leaking

With all these new things, I have new hope.  At least at this moment, I feel very similar to how I felt when we started our very first cycle.   I feel as though it will work.  I am very hopeful and positive.   I really hope 2012 is our year and that we get to meet our baby before 2013 hits.

I hope 2012 brings all of you everything that you are hoping for.