Happy Belated Birthday to Me!

I turned the lovely age of 28 yesterday.   It wouldn't have been so painful if it wasn't for the early birthday present I received on Monday, yet another failed IVF.  I spent most of my birthday alternating between being very angry and being very depressed.   Just when I think I was holding it together something would happen to set me off.  I felt like I was safe putting in grades when I get an email from my mother.  The first thought that pops into my mind was "Will I ever get to send my own child a birthday email?"  As crazy as it sounds, I spent the next five minutes with my head on my desk sobbing.   I was similarily sidelined at team meeting by the innocent suggestion to "thank my parents so we could have an excuse to have sweets."  It seems like nothing but it took everything I had to hold back tears. 

The highlight of the day?  I got to see my RE and once again ask what went wrong.   Thankfully my mother came with me to support me since Sean had to work.   We both decided to say nothing until the RE has said his piece and then we can jump on him for another failed cycle and how I want to get a second opinion.   Well we never had to speak up at all.   He started with explaining what he thinks is going wrong.   1) Our embryos do not do well in the lab setting, so doing 5 day transfers are not helpful. 2) He believes our embryos have stronger than normal shells and therefore they cannot break out and become blastocysts.   He recommended going back to a 3 day transfer, but use a process called assisted hatching.   During this process the embryologist takes a small laser to cut holes in the shell of the embryo to help it hatch easier.  Amazingly this doesn't affect the embryo at all.  In conjunction with this, he wants to add some antibiotics and a drug call medrol to help reduce infection and swelling before transfer.  His third and final recommendation was for me to get a second opinion!  I don't think my mother or I expected this.   He says that it is important for me to talk with another doctor and to see if they have any suggestions that he may not.   He did request that Sean and I come back after to discuss with him before making our final decision about IVF #4.  

This morning I booked a consult with the head of IVF at Brigham and Women's.   We were lucky enough to get in this coming Monday because of a cancelation.   I am very interested in seeing what this new RE says, especially my current RE says she is one of the best there.  I am hoping she sees onr or two things differently that could help make us successful.  Afterwards we need to decide where to go.  I think it will depend on a few things.   How we feel about her and what suggestions she makes.  What types of testing B&W does during IVF cycles.  How frequent and successful each clinic is with assisting hatching.

Overall, my birthday ended better than it started (with a couple glasses of wine, sushi and dinner with my parents).  I just hope this is last birthday that I celebrate childless.  It was hard last year; it was harder this year; I can't even imagine what it would be like next year.

Longest Week EVER!!!

It is amazing that 9 days can actually feel as long as they have and I still have about 28 left of waiting.  Even though my positivity about this cycle goes down by the day and after yesterday and today I am almost positive I will see another BFN, it seems like it has taken years to get to this point.  By tomorrow afternoon, Sean and I will know definitely whether this cycle worked or not.  By the following afternoon, I will've meet with our RE to see if he has any further ideas for us before we begin our search for second opinions. 

I have been doing my best to keep my mind away from thoughts of this cycle and babies.  It isn't as easy as you think; just when I think I am safe WHAP something pops up.   I spent much of my free time last week immersed in the life of a post WWII nurse who finds herself transported to 18th century Scotland.  There were battles, witchcraft, imprisonment, and of course romance.  The best part of the story?  The woman was barren!   It was great to see her pain as she faced another month without a child or as she told her new 18th century husband that she couldn't give him children.  This might be callous of me, but it was a welcome change to most stories out there....until the end.  I will give you one guess what happened during the last few paragraphs of the story.  That is right!   She miraculously became pregnant by her 18th century husband.   Do you think that could work for me?  Do you think Sean would mind if I traveled back in time and found myself an 18th century Scot?   I would certainly come back to him with said child.   It's fun to be inside my head, isn't it?

Yesterday, I was able to lose myself in the bright lights of Times Square in the memories that come flooding back everytime I step into the city.   The nights spent at a now gone bar on 48th and 8th.   The dinners at various restaurants up and down 8th Ave midtown.   The earlier days spent walking through Times Square with hoards of dancers and dance moms (I swear they are not all as crazy as shown on TV).   Time spent riding the elevators up and down in Marquee.  Classes taken in the ballrooms.  Warm-ups on the rug.  But as much as I try, baby thoughts always find a way to creep in.  Will I ever get to share this place and these memories with my child?  Will I ever get to make new memories taking my daughter to dance class or to the theare?  I knew it had gotten bad when I walked by a window full of Yankees apparel including a few onsies and I thought, "Wow, if I knew I could have a child, I would put my child in it right away." 

As hard as I try, babies, or lack thereof, are always on my mind.   I just can't wait until tomorrow comes and I start thinking about whether or not I want to go through this again.  With every BFN, the part that says "I'm done" grows larger and larger.   As much as I want a family, maybe a biological one is just not in the cards for us.  Maybe we are meant to give a better life to some not even concieved yet child.   Maybe it is time to start down this path.

Cycle continues to be not horrible, but not great

When I started the cycle I was so very positive.  There is nothing wrong, so this has to work.   Well it seems like everything just doesn't want go my way.  After talking with the clinic and saying that I really wanted to try a 5 day transfer, my RE looked at the embryos and agreed to it "against protocol".  Yup that's what the record said.  I wonder if that is code "patient is a b*tch, let's just appease her.".  All of this would be well in good, if our embryos cooperated, but they didn't. 

By day 5, the embryos should have developed into the blastocyst stage.  None of mine had made it.  Three were morulas and the rest were still embryos.  This can't be a good sign.  The doctor assured us that this isn't a bad thing; it simply could mean that the embryos were slow growing.  As much as I tried to convince myself of this, I couldn't get past that our embryos aren't where they should be.   This is one of our last chances (we both agreed to do this only one more time) and once again things are going our way.  I spent the next thirty minutes sobbing through my $75 acupuncture session and some of the way home.   Once I got home, I jumped online to get some information about morulas.  Some places say it is possible for these embryos to grow and be successful pregnancies, but not as much as regularly developing embryos.  Some places say that the chances are incredibly small.  They point to a problem during ICSI or with egg or sperm quality.  This once again leads me to believe something is wrong and the clinic just isn't looking for it.

I am holding out hope and putting on a strong face for all those around me, but in my heart I am sure it won't work.  I have already begun thinking about how we could possibly pay for adoption, which is something we will be starting if this cycle fails.  I hope I am wrong and don't spend my birthday in tears.  I just wish this could be easier for us.  What did we do to deserve it?

There is a silver lining right?

I am getting really sick of dealing with IF when it seems that no matter how hard we try we keep hitting road blocks.  Though I know our road blocks are not as giant as others, they still suck.

I had my egg retreval yesterday.   The numbers weren't quite as high as I would've liked.   They were able to get 15 eggs out of the 20 follicles.  This is definitely not horrible, but I wish it was higher.  Because of low sperm count, the lab had to preform ICSI again (inserting sperm directly into egg).  This should have about an 80% fertilization rate with "normal" sperm and eggs.   Well I found out today only 9 out of the 15 eggs fertilized, or about 60% (how about those math skills?).   I don't know if it is protocol or lack of confidence, but the clinic scheduled me for a three day transfer on Thursday.   In order to not do this, I need 6 growing embryos.   I'm totally petrified that this won't happen.  If it doesn't, the clinic better be ready for a fight.

There is no way that I am going in and doing a 3dt again.  It didn't work the first time, so I'm not doing it again.  I don't care if only one embryo survives to Saturday, that is going to be transfer day.   By doing a 3dt,  I feel like we are all just going through the motions to get to  negative result (the day before my birthday).  I refuse to do that again, and I don't really care what the clinic has to say about it.  

This is our last IVF with this clinic and our third (out of 6) chance, and I absolutely refuse to just throw it away.  With such low numbers, something has to be wrong quality wise, even if the doctor doesn't believ it.

All I can hope is that the 9 embies that we have continue to grow strong.   If they don't, the clinic better prepare to deal with stubborn hormonal me.

Have Ice Pack, Will Travel

This cycle I think that my meds have put more mileage than any set of uncorrected essays.   My first IVF really got me used to sticky myself with needles safely in my own kitchen; this cycle taught me the "fun" of doing it on the go.  In the week of taking injections, four out of the seven nights I had to take them somewhere else than my own home.  Thankfully I have great little thermal lunch bag and kept the ice packs the drugs came in.  The most regular of the places was at my parents' house.  This was also a great opportunity to show my mother what I went through every night and to creep out my father a bit.  Second to this was taking my injections in a friend's bathroom during my book club meeting.   I even had a great supporter (her dog) sitting outside the door and cheering (or whining) me on.

What was the best place you ask?  That would have to be the faculty bathroom at my school during Curriculum night.   Do you know how difficult it is to focus making sure you are mixing the injection correctly when you can hear parents laughing and talking as they are walking by outside.   I really think I checked the lock fifteen times in the ten minutes I was in there.  All I needed was to have a parent walk in while I had my dress hiked up and I was sticking myself with a needle.  Can you imagine the stories that would fly through the town?   Even though none of the parents knew what was going on, I did get quite a few strange looks as I walked through the hall and into the bathroom with my lunch bag.   Priceless!

Thankfully all of this trouble paid off.  As of yesterday, I had 20 measureable follicles, 10 on each side.   The smallest are around 11 and the largest is around 21.  Even though I didn't take any more stimmulating injections, they will continue to grow until I ovulate some time tomorrow morning.   That is right!  Tomorrow is the egg retrieval.  I had to take my trigger shot last night at 11 pm.   Tomorrow we have to be in Waltham for 10 am.   I am excited to be able to sleep in, but I wish it was earlier.  Sean will have to leave not long after "doing his part" and will probably not be able to see me out of surgery.   Thankfully my wonderful mother has agreed to take me home and stay with me since I can't be alone for 24 hours due to the anesthesia.  

Last time we got 12 eggs, so I am hoping all 20 follicles I now have produce mature eggs.   If we have at least 6 embryos as of day two (Wednesday) we are going to try for a 5 day transfer instead of the 3 we did last time. There is contradicting research, but many doctors believe that allowing the embryos to grow to blastocysts (5 days) prior to transfer inproves chances of implantation.  I am hoping this, along with the slower growing time and my exercising a couple days a week, is all that we need to have a successful cycle.

First week of school + Hormones = interesting

I started stimulating for my next IVF this past Friday.  It surprised me how quickly I was having side effects from it.   By the middle of the day on Saturday, I was crying hysterical at the fact that Beyonce was on the MTV VMA's and she is pregnant.   The total irrational part of my brain just couldn't understand how someone who has everything else can also have this?   Sean really thought I lost it.   Come Sunday, I was crying over dinner, because the family a few tables behind us had a small baby that the father(?) just had to hold up and right in my view.  He knew how much pain it was causing me. 

Now think of these examples and add in the first week of school.   I am surprised I made it through today without really crying.  Though I did tear up when I went into the doctor's this morning and they were running late and I was missing my only prep of the day.  This week should really be interesting.   A normal back to school week involves a bit of stress, last minute planning and open house.  Adding all these hormones to it scares me a bit.   Fingers crossed that I make it through the week without really crying in front of any students or parents.  

As I mentioned earlier I went into my RE's office this morning for a follicle check.   I didn't get exact numbers, because I wanted to get out of there and get work.  However the nurse said I had quite a few follicles on both sides ("A great start to a cycle") and one or two about 10 mm to 11 mm on each side.  The RE wants them at least 17 or 18mm before triggering for ovulation.   Because they look so great, I get rewarded with another shot.  Yup that means I have two shots for the next two nights.  I go back in on Thursday.   I am hoping ER will be on Saturday and we get lots of eggs.  RE said if we have at least 6 embryos 2 days after ER then we can do a five day transfer, which has slightly better results.  I will take all thoughts and prayers available.