In mourning

       Merriam Webster defines to mourn as "to feel or express grief".   Even though I am not sure it should, this term applies to me right now.  I am in a deep state of mourning.  I have turned to all my mourning food: dark chocolate and cookie dough (from Maggie) to chip and french onion dip and wine (from Dennis); however a death did not occur, or did it?   Unlike the previous 16 or so tries, I know for fact that an life was created.  I had two little embryos that could have become my future children but didn't.  Even though it is not technically counted as a lost, I cannot help but feel as though it is.  Even though I get out of bed every day and go though my day, my brain is on the failed IVF.  What did I do wrong?   What could I have done better?  Am I to blame?   Deep inside my mind I know that I didn't do anything wrong, but that doesn't stop all the thoughts from coming.  Should I have not gone to work two days after the transfer?  Should I not have let the kitchen curtain stress me out when it just wouldn't seem to go up?  Should I have not gone to tech week of the middle school show?
      Whether I accept or not (and I can't say I totally accept it), I am not pregnant.  Once again, all our hard work and prayers did not work.  It is pretty pathetic, but all sorts of things will send me into tears over this.  Announcements of only 20-some odd days left of school leave tears in my eyes.  It is one more year that I will leave school without being pregnant.   Though I am excited about our cruise, my heart sinks at the thought of our excurision to Universal, Islands of Adventure.    Though seeing Harry Potter World will definitely be AMAZING, we weren't going to go there if I was pregnant.   Speaking of Harry Potter, I was fully brought to tears by a TV spot today for Harry Potter 7 part two.  Why you ask?  Well, I had the wierd thought that if I was pregnant, my child would have the opportunity to see the final HP movie in theatres.  Silly, huh?  I am sure these things are going to continue coming.
      I dread almost every day at work when I could have the possibility of running into one of the pregnant women at work, or even worse a surprise pregnancy announcement.   I wake up with one thought:  "It still hasn't happen".   Even though I try to stay positive, it is so difficult right now.  I am beyond thankful for entire support group.  Poor Lauren listens every day to my whining about my infertility without a single complaint or even a simple "Shut UP!".  My mother deals constantly with the issue of infertility.  It is just like when we were planning my wedding only much more depressing.
    So, what is next?  To be honest, I don't know.  Prior to our IVF, my RE said we would do one fresh cycle and then one frozen.  I am not sure if this still going to be the deal.  We have a follow up appointment with our RE, or what is affectionally know as the WTF -what the fuck- (sorry Mom!) by the infertile community, on Monday.  I have about 15 questions for him, half of which I probably won't ever ask.  After this point, I hope we have a clearer plan, which hopefully included getting at least something completed this summer, even with out cruise in the middle.
   I guess until I am blessed with real children I will have to spoil my three amazing furbabies.   For those of you who do not know them, let me introduce them to you.

My sweet, and slightly crazy, little girl Holly

My slightly less crazy, and a little heavier, girl Millie

My sweetest girl, Dulce, with her favorite summertime toys, flip flops

Why don't you get a hobby?

     This is advice that I have heard time and time again during my infertility journey.  Most infertility books, websites, and even my reproductive endocronologist recommend continuing, or even picking up, a hobby to help keep your mind off of babies and pregnancy and infertility during waiting periods, especially the dreaded two week wait.  This is exactly where I am right now.   I get to wait until May 15th to see whether our recent embryo transfer worked.   Let me tell you, it is TORTURE!   As much as a try, my mind is on the recent transfer and pregnancy.  Maybe I should get a hobby, but what?
     Normally if anyone would ask me what I do for fun, I would respond with either dance or theatre.   The problem with that?  I haven't dance in atleast 3 years (unless you count the three classes I took at my old studio this summer with infants - okay they were between 15 and 18 - and I could barely walk afterward).   I also haven't been on stage in almost three years as well.  So in actuality, neither of these are actually true hobbies of mine anymore.   Maybe I could start doing yoga?  Yay, it is a good healthy habit and it will help keep me centered and relaxed.   Tried it!  I am good for day one or two and then I can't get my fat but off the couch.   Maybe I will do something crafty?   I could make pillowcase dresses for my future daughter.  I could scrapbook.  I could quilt.  Problem, I have all the creativity of a second grader left alone with glitter and the glue pot.  In other word, it doesn't come out pretty.   I know I did a lot of the crafts for my wedding (table numbers, menus, cake topper, pomanders), but those took me hours each and I threw away way more than I can count.  
    That brings me to the few things that could actually be considered hobbies:  shopping and reading.    Shopping, now that is a hobby I can stick with.   Right now buying clothes is out of the question, but there are always shoes, accessories and home things.  I clearly don't have enough cute heels or earrings.   Home Goods is also a fantastic way to spend a few hours.  I don't see any real problems with this, right?   Sean won't mind when I spend all our emergency money just so I can take my mind off of infertility and babies.   No problem right?  Yay, so that wouldn't work.  I guess that leaves reading.   It is not something that I actually really consider a hobby, but it truly.  I can loose myself for hours or even days in a good book.   Sean frequently mocks me as I spend a Friday or Saturday night with my nose in a book.  I may not read "high" literature, but does that really matter.     So what if most of my books either take place in Elizabethan England or have covens of vampires (don't mock; they are good).  These stories entertain me and keep my mind from constantly drifting back to the issues that I am dealing with.  If they offer me even two minutes of solice, I will take it.   So I guess in all actuality, I do have a hobby; one that I truly love.   It may not keep my body or hands active, but it keeps my mind active, which is the most important part of a hobby.
    I think I will be reading quite a bit in the next week or so.   I had two lovely embryos transferred this past Wednesday.   Both were what my clinic considers high implantation potential.  Fingers crossed that at least on sticks and for you viewing pleasure, our future possible babies:

The things you know when going through IVF

      I have been researching and hearing about IVF for months.   5dp2dt of ICSI IVF seems like jibberish to most people, but it is clear as day to me.  So clear in fact that I sometimes forget that other people don't know all of these terms by heart.  Many of you reading probably do not know more about IVF than Jon and Kate Plus 8, Octomom and test tube babies.  Since I am in the middle of my first IVF (I will give you an update later), I thought I would explain the process to everyone.
     The cycle begins with suppression of some sort, often through the use of birth control.   While this may seem sort of counterproductive, it actually works to stop your body from developing follicles.  This helps to put your body on a schedule that the reproductive endocronologist (RE) can work with.  After supression, you will start stimmulating your follicles.  There are a variety of injectible medications that can be used for this.  I used a drug called Gonal-F.  It required me to give myself nightly injections to help the follicles (things in the ovaries that contain eggs) grow large than normal. 
       During this time, you have to go in for frequent blood work and ultrasound.  This is checking to make sure your hormone levels are still in the normal level, as well as checking the size and number of follicles in each of your ovaries.  The RE may find that your follicles are maturing, but you are getting close to ovulating, which isn't good if your egg retrieval isn't for a few days.  In this case, the RE may have you take another daily injection to stop the follicles from ovulating.  I had to take a drug called Cetrotide.   That made 2 injections a day.  Once your RE thinks everything is how it should be, you have to a final injection (HCG) which causes the follicles to release the mature eggs about 36 hours later.  
    The next step is the egg retrieval (ER).  During this process, you are put under a light anesthesia and the RE will use a needle to suck all mature eggs from both ovaries.   The whole thing only takes about 20 minutes.   Prior to this procedure a semen sample needs to be produced so it can be ready to be mixed with the eggs.
      At this point, the embryologists in the lab go to work.  They put some sperm with each egg and place them in an incubator.  In some cases it may be necessary for them to perform ICSI (intracytoplasmic sperm injection).  During ICSI, the sperm is injected right into the cytoplasm of the egg.   After a day, the embryologist is able to see which of the eggs fertilized.
     For the next two days or so, the embryos are watch closely.  It is important that they are splitting evenly with little or no fragmentation.  During this time, you have to take progesterone supplements, which are either available through injection or suppositories which will continue at least through the pregnancy test.   Either 3 (3dt) or 5 (5dt) days after ER, it is time for the embryos to be transferred. 
    During the embryo transfer (ET), the best embryos are transferred via catheter into the uterus.  If possible, additional embryos can be frozen for future transfers.  A positive pregnancy test can be taken about 10 days after the transfer.  
   Hopefully this give some of you an idea of the process that some people need to take in order to have the child of their dreams.
    Now for my update:    I was able to have my egg retrieval this past Sunday.  It was a lot earlier than I expected, but I was happy it occurred on a weekend.   The procedure wasn't that bad.  All I remember once I got into the operating room was "Ok Christine, I want you to take 5 deep breaths."  Two breaths later I was out and then I was waking up in recovery.  They were able to get 12 eggs!!! Sean and I wer both very excited.  
    I wasn't in that much pain afterwards.  I was more uncomfortable than anything, especially when I was trying to stand up or sit down.  Today is better, though I still am a little sore.
     The clinic called me earlier today to let me know how many of my 12 fertilized.  We were lucky enough to get 7 embryos!   Hopefully our 7 possible future children are behaving themselves and growing well.   We are doing a 3 day transfer on Wednesday.  I have signed up for pre- and post-transfer acupuncture at the clinic to help everything along.   After that I am coming home to spend two days on the couch.  I am feeling a Harry Potter marathon in my future.  
     I will try to keep you updated, because I am sure I will need lots of distractions during the 2 week wait (time between conception and pregnancy test). 
If you want to learn more about IVF or other infertility treatments, check out this site: IVF

Infertility Myth: If you just relax, you will get pregnant

    In honor of National Infertility Week, I am joining up with RESOLVE and other infertility bloggers to help bust infertility myths.  Hopefully I will be able to get a couple up this week but between work and fertility drugs, I will be lucky if I can write by Thursday.  
    The one thing that drives me the craziest is the phrase in my title.    I cannot tell you how many times I was told to "relax" or to "be patient".    Sorry we could be as relaxed as possible, but it doesn't raise the 2% chance that we will get pregnant without intervention.   While this may be good advice during the first weeks or so of trying to conceive, after a few months it becomes irrating.  
     How would you feel if you desperately wanted a new job and people continually told you to relax?  Instead of sending out all those resumes and spending hours online looking for new postings (I know how this is done for I have seen it done very often from this very laptop), you can just sit and relax and someone is going to knock on your door with a great job.  RIGHT, like that is going happen.    You have to be actively searching for a job in order to find one.   Yes, there was that one time when your friend's cousin's brother's wife wasn't even looking for a job and walked into a company and was hired on the spot, but who is really luck enough for that to happen?   If someone continually told you to relax, I am sure you would be ready to shove your perfectly printed resume down someone's throat.
       Why is it then okay to torture infertile women with this statement?  If I didn't take the nightly fertility shots (not too bad actually), go in for blood work and ultrasounds every other morning, or go through egg retrival and transfer, I may never have the opportunity to have my own biological child.  Yes there are some things I could relax about, such as dinner (Sean would be happy eating  frozen pizza every night) or MCAS scheduling (yes, I did make a spreadsheet of all the possible days that I could miss and how they would affect MCAS), but none of these things will help me to become pregnant without medical intervention.
        Next time you talk to someone who is trying to have a child, don't tell them to relax.  This isn't helpful.   Instead try to see if there is anything they need from you, such as your support.  Even a simple "I can't imagine how difficult this is" can mean the world to the recipient.
       Visit Resolve's site  and read their Infertility 101 to learn a little more about infertility.   Visit National Infertility Awareness Week to learn about the background of NIAW.

Infertile Holiday

      There are only a few things that infertiles dread more than pregnancy announcements, and those are baby showers and holidays.  Both are constant reminders of what you can't have, especially if your family includes small children.   There will often be questions about when you will have questions or even just comments about how loooong you been married, even it had only been a few months or years.  Showers are normally you something you can avoid or deal with if the friend/family member is important enough to you.  Holidays, on the other hand, are unavoidable.  Unless you lock yourself in your bedroom and keep the TV off, reminders are all around.    Every little thing reminds you of the things you should be doing with your children that just don't want to arrive.
     With Easter only a few days away, I have been thinking almost constantly if I can handle the holiday.   I am very lucky that my family is supportive and won't say or bring up anything unless I do, but it still doesn't make it easy.  Even though I absolutely love spending time with my little cousins, it pains me to see them begging Sean to play with him.   I would give anything to throw our child in the mix, so he/she can beg their father to play with me.   I seem my aunt and uncle with their grandkids and I ache for my parents.  This is something they want so badly and just can't have.   I am not sure if this is something I can handle this year.
      Each holiday that passes gets harder and harder to deal with.  When we first started trying to conceive, I was sure by Easter I would be pregnant and by Christmas I would have a baby in my arms.  When that didn't work, I knew I would be pregnant at Christmas and by Easter have a baby in my arms.   When that didn't work, I knew I would be pregnant by Easter.  Here comes Easter and there is no baby for me.  Yes, we have begun our IVF cycle, but that still doesn't help.  Each holiday acts as a deadline that I am desperate to meet but cannot, no matter how hard I try.   It is one time that I truly feel like a failure and that I am letting down everyone, in many ways.  I can't produce the child that everyone desires; I can't pull myself together to do more than play act happy; I can't decide if it is easy to just skip the whole ordeal or suck it up. 
    To make it worse, Mother's Day and Father's Day follows Easter.  It is the infertile trifecta.   While spring is the time where nature comes to life, it is the season that depresses all infertiles and sends them into hibernation until the slightly freer summer.  I don't even want to think about Mother's Day and Father's Day yet.   Just the thought of it brings me to tears.  Another reminder of everything I want but can't have.
     For most people, holidays are a time to get together with your family and celebrate.  However for those who are infertile, holidays feel like walking through a mine field.   You have to be careful where you step, or sit down next to, for you never know when a bomb is going to blow and totally ruin your thin mask of happiness.

The perfect wife?

    I figured I would take a step away from infertility related posts to talk about one of the other topics that this blog is supposed to be about:  marriage, in particular being a housewife.
    In the back of mind, I always knew I wanted to be married and have a family, but as I got older, that thought took a backseat for a short time (very short).  There was a time in my life right after high school that I "knew" I wanted to be a big time public relations representative for some sort of entertainment group.  This job would allow to have an apartment in NYC, but I would spend most of my time traveling the world.   THEN I was pulled back to Worcester by a relationship that I was SURE would last forever and I switched from wanting to be a powerful business woman to wanting to be an elementary school teacher.  They are basically the same thing right?   At this time, I began to think more about being a wife and a mother.  I had this idea of what I was going to be.  Even though I can't stand cooking or cleaning, I saw myself as the person who had the always emmaculate house (just my mother and grandmother) and would have a half-way decent on the table ever night.   I wonder if that will actually ever happen.
      I am much happier to scrimp and scrounge so we can get take out food.  Even when I am home all day,  I don't have the drive or energy to cook more than chicken or pasta.  There was a time, not that long ago, that I would plan and cook a real meal almost every night.   That didn't last long.   I am very thankful to Trader Joes for suppling me with all sorts of meals that make me look like a "good wife" when in reality, I microwaved something five minutes before Sean walked through the door.   With all this said, cooking is the thing I do best in terms of "wifely" duties.
       After cooking comes cleaning.....what can I say about cleaning?  I hate it.   While I love the look of the house when it is all cleaned, I hate the process of getting there.   You would think with no real plans this week, I would gladly give an hour or so (really how long does it take clean 900 sq feet) to making my house look good, right?  However the last few mornings, I have sat on the chair with my coffee watching some bad Bravo TV looking around at my house.   I finally get the necessary energy and do the fifteen minute clean that I have perfected.  It is a great method for people who hate cleaning.  I set the stove timer for 15 minutes and clean until the timer goes off.  A few days of this, my first floor looks great, because I had cleaned it four days in a row.  Sadly, I rarely venture to my second floor.   In the back of my mind, I think that only Sean and I go up there so it can be a little cluttered; however, it still need to cleaned, or does it?
     If I am having this much trouble cooking and cleaning for just Sean and I, what is going to happen when our hopeful baby arrives?   Do cleaning companies give discounts for new moms?  Maybe I will be lucky and Ann, the cleaning lady, will show up at my house like Flo used show up at my mom's.  Now that I have procrastinated enough, I think I need to get off the couch and off the computer and clean the house (well the first floor).

Lucky Charms

I was never the person to have lucky charms, at least I don't remember having any.   With the exception of a few things, I didn't feel that things brought good luck.   If you tried hard and applied yourself, you would be successful at most things.  I knew there was nothing I could do about my poor turnout that haunted my ballet classes and judges' comments.   All that being said, I did believe in the magic probably a little longer than I would like to admit.  Years after knowing deep down inside that Santa wasn't real, I continued to push myself to believe.   To this day, I believe in the special magical happiness that comes from walking through the gates (yes, Dad at 8 AM promptly) of one of the four Walt Disney World parks.  My childhood stuff animal, Ted E. Bear, went on more vacations than most adults.   My father could come to any dance competition he wanted to, except when I was doing my solo.    However, I don't once remember having a lucky anything that I would need to have with me to win a gold or get an A or even sleep soundly.

Why is it now I am grabbing for any lucky charm I can get?   Do I really think my infertility can be overcome by some things?  Honestly in my head, I say no, but my heart says why not?   I have begun taking a plethora of vitamens and supplements every morning, I drink POM juice on almost a daily basis, I munch on pineapple core after ovulation, and I drink more green tea than water.    Why not add a few things to my life?   So with that thought in mind, I sought out a friend who I knew had a little fertility statue.  It is now sitting predominately on my bed side table.   I found a site on line that sells fertility jewelry (The Fertile Garden (Etsy) ) and my mother ordered me a bracelet.   The website even included an explanation of the gemstones used:
   Red Carnelian gemstone is said to boost fertility and stimulate the reproductive system (your orange chakra in your belly). Carnelian is popular as a healing stone and also clears negative energy and replace it with positive energy.
    Rose quartz are the beads of love and fertility and encourage feelings of calmness and tranquility.
    Moonstone is a feminine stone, which is said to have powers that aid in nurturing receptivity and balancing of the emotions. The stone promotes love, hope, and fertility
    Turtles are a symbol of fertility and vitality. Known for their patience, endurance, longevity and tenacity.

Do I believe any of this stuff will actually help us?  To be honest I don't know.   There is enough folklore out there help support the power of these symbols and items to make me believe that there must be something there.  Even if it simply gives me a litle more positive outlook on the process than it has done its job.

After receiving my medication this past week, I will need all the luck I can get.   Even though I have definitely overcome my fear of needles, the shear amount that I will need to go through soon has me on edge. 

Looks like fun doesn't it? 
All these lovely needles will be working to put crazy hormones into my body.   Hopefully my belonephobic husband will be able to overcome his fear enough to be in the room to help me with some of these shots.   If he can't do this, hopefully my crazy hormonal rants don't send him packing to another home.     I still have another week or two before all this fun starts.  I hope my lucky fertility socks make it here before I have to start!