The Christmas Music has Begun!

Over the last few days, I have actually started listening to Christmas music on a regular basis.  I will get to the reason for this change later.   Like all music, particular Christmas songs instantly bring back memories of times gone past.  Growing up in my household, it would not be uncommon to hear my dad singing Christmas songs, slightly out of tune, in the middle of a 90 degree day in July.  Once the holidays did roll around, all of neighbors, and probably most of Auburn, could hear my mother blasting Bon Jovi's "Please Come Home for Christmas".  I still cannot listen to that song without having to turn my radio up to full volume.  "White Christmas" instantly brings back memories of sitting with my parents and watching Holiday Inn and White Christmas.   These are still movies I watch, but now I'm sitting alone since I just can't quite convince Sean that these are quality Christmas movies.  Some songs bring more recent memories.   As much as I hate normal versions of "12 Days of Christmas", one will instantly bring me to laughter at the thoughts of Sean singing and dancing in the car with the song on repeat.   If you have a moment, check out Straight No Chaser's version of the song.  Definitely worth a listen.

This year songs that I have loved for years have a different meaning.   I do have to say I was quite shocked when tears came to my eyes as "All I want for Christmas is You" came on the radio.  No, it was not because it was the new Justin Beber version, which is an abomination in itself.  It was because for the first time in a while the words held some real meaning for me.  There is one thing that I want for Christmas, and it isn't the something sparkly that I will settle for from Sean; it is something that no one can give me.  It is the child that has been kept out of my grip from over two years.   The idea of another childless Christmas and the rather large possibility that next year may be similar easily brought me to tears.  It didn't help that the very next song was another of my favorites that suddenly had a much deeper meaning to me, "Blue Christmas".   In and of itself, this song is a sad song.  It is a Christmas song for all the rest of us, the ones who are lacking all the necessary pieces for a purely happy and celebratory holiday.  The people longing for family members who are either far away, not yet found or not yet born.  This year it seems to speak to me more than ever before.   "Decorations of red on a green Christmas tree/won't be the same dear, if you're not here with me".  Another Christmas without our completed family just doesn't feel complete or right.

With all this said, I do have a little hope to get us through the holidays.  No I don't plan on stealing a child in time to celebrate Christmas (though that is tempting at times).  We have been approved to start our next IVF this cycle.   It was definitely in limbo because of the holidays and the need with IVF to have blood draws and such occur on specific days.  If the hospital isn't open the day I needed the blood work, then the cycle would've been pushed off another month.  Luck was on my side this time; I need to get blood drawn on the 31st and the clinic is doing testing that day!  If everything goes well, I will be able to start my lupron injections on January 1st.  Worst case scenario, I would start one day later that week.  Either way a new year will equal a new chance and hopefully our last chance.  As much as I don't want to be too optimistic just to have my hopes slaughtered again, I am fairly confident that this change will work.  We are doing a new protocol, even though this includes about 5 weeks of daily shots, 10 if I get pregnant, about 2 of those include daily shots in the butt, and about 6 different side effect causing drugs. We have added assisted hatching, which helps the embryos break out of their shells and implant better.  We are going to one of the best women's clinics in the state.   It is with this hope that we approach the holiday and are attempting to take as much joy as we can, and when we can't take any more, there is always alcohol, which I'm allowed to drink until Jan. 1.  Here we go again!

It's the most wonderful time of the year

Isn't it?  That is what most people think, but for those dealing with loses, it is often the most difficult time of the year.   This year makes the third, yup third, Christmas season that we will not be getting the one thing we want more than anything else.  Yes, the Christmas season is a time to celebrate with family, and I'm beyond lucky to have such a good family, but even in the happiest of times, I feel as though something is missing.    This year it is something that I'm having a hard time getting past.  

Usually by this time, I have been listening to Christmas music 24/7 for at least two weeks.  The house is entirely decorated and I'm twitching with excitement to get our tree.   This year, the only time I listen to a Christmas song is when it comes on my Pandora and I'm too far away (or lazy) to skip it.   Our house is decorated, but it was done only in an attempt to try pull myself out of the dumps.  We are supposed to get our tree tomorrow and I really could do without it this year.   I really could do without all of it this year.  If I had my wish, the decorations would still be in storage and we would be heading out of town for the holidays.  However, this holiday isn't about me.  It is about my family, especially Sean.   He asked me to do a normal Christmas and that is what I'm going to do, whether it kills me or not. 

There is one saving grace, an early Christmas present you may say.   Our IVF got approved so we are ready to move forward.   It is questionable whether we will be able to start with this coming cycle or not.  The clinic has decided that its doctors and nurses need time off for the holidays and are closing a number of days around Christmas and New Years.    One nurse said it would definitely be possible which would give me a late January ER and ET, but my nurse says it will not be.   We will know in the next week or so, but if it can be done I will be pushed for it to be done.  Most likely we will have to start with the January cycle.  At least there is light at the end of the tunnel.  I may not be able to get my Christmas miracle, but maybe I will be able to get a Valentine's miracle.  Please? Pretty pleas?