Infertiles at Sea

About a week ago, Sean and I return from our "getaway" (was supposed to be "babymoon") cruise.   It was definitely helpful, but at times it was anything but relaxing.   For the second time in my life, I was holding back tears as we checked in and got onto the ship.  Unlike last time when a rather cute boy helped to solve all my problems, I knew no one on the cruise would be able to fix these feelings.   As hard as we both tried to focus on each other insead of our lack of children, it did not leave us alone.   Unbeknownst to us, we were on one of the few Norwegian ships that hosted Nickelodeon at Sea.  Yes folks that is right, we were entertained by Spongebob, Patrick, Dora and Diego before almost every show and there were children everywhere.

After a tough first day (and a rather lot of alcohol), we decided to try to stay away from the children as much as possible, but it didn't totally help.   We were able to find the adults only pool.  However, it happened to be about 10 feet from the family pool and they didn't seem to enforce the no child rule.   This was the same experience with the club.  After a certain time (10 pm I believe), it was supposed to be 18+.   With the exception of one night (that involved seeing many men in boxers, wearing heels, lipstick and holding a purse), this rule was not strongly enforced.   During many of the nightly shows, young children would be running up and down the aisles.     On top of this everyone I seemed to talk with somewhere on the ship asked "Did you leave the children at home?"   When I answered we did not have children with as much of a smile as I could, they would then say "Well enjoy it well you can.  Kids are so hard and ruin everything."  Gee thanks!  If you only knew how much I would LOVE to have kids ruin everything, but of course I just smiled and ordered another drink.

With all this being said, we did have fun and it did help us take some time away from everything going on.   We went and spent a day at Sea World, and I learned how much of wimp Sean actually is when it comes to rides.  I had to convince him to go on the water ride Journey to Atlantis, but as much as I tried to convince him, he would only wait in line with me as I went on Manta - one of the best roller coasters I have been on.  You go through the roller coaster basically on your stomach like you were a manta ray. AMAZING!!!  

The next day we went to Norwegian's private island, Great Stirrup Cay.  I think this day would have been better if we did not get totally drenched on the ten minute tender ride to the island.   Since we had to bring towels from our room, we had nothing to dry off with and there was no shade on the island.  This day ended with us going back to the ship after only a couple hours and Sean getting his "first" sunburn (that's what he gets for not putting on any sunscreen and laughing at my lesser sunburn a few days earlier).

The following day we went to Nassau, Bahamas.  We just walked around and did a little shopping.  It was fun, but definitely would've been better if we actually had money to spend.  The amount of jewelry stores there were crazy.   The next two days were sea days, which mean I spent most of my time on the deck above the pool in the sun with some nice fruity, frozen drinks and Sean spent it sitting in the shade with a few cold beers.  Overall, it was a great get away, even though we were surrounded with more children than I cared to see.

Throughout the trip, I was waiting sadness to come watching all the parents and their children, but with the exception of seeing a set of adoptive parents telling their adopted daughter about the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island (both of which they brought her to see a few months earlier when she became a US citizen), these events didn't cause tears.  I was caught off guard, though, by when tears actually threatened to come - when I saw the children interact with their grandparents.  It was very hard for me to see a young girl running through the buffet in the morning to leap into her grandmother's arms or to see a grandfather play peek-a-boo with his grandson and the new Shamu stuffed animal for most of the bus ride from SeaWorld back to the ship.   It was seeing three generations of family sitting down to have dinner, while Sean and I sat at our small two-seater table that brought me to tears.   As much as I want a child for Sean and myself, I want it for our family.  I can't wait take trips where my children can be spoiled by grandparents, aunts and uncles, where we will all make memories together, and where they will have as many sweet memories with their grandparents as I had with mine (lesson learned: crying in a Disney ride=leaving with Nana and getting some sort of treat).   Hopefully Sean and I have taken one of last vacations alone for awhile.

To help us reach this goal,  we have decided to stay with our RE for atleast one more IVF.   For our next cycle (starting mid-August), our RE has decided to start up the stimulating medication a day or two earlier, attempt a 5 day blastocyte transfer, and try a new form of progesterone.  Hopefully this will make the difference and we will be able to celebrate family vacation sooner than later, especially since I think my father plans on having a family Disney vacation December 2013.  Fingers crossed!

As if this post isn't already long enough, I thought I would add some pictures of our vacation.

Cruising by the Statue of Liberty

Shamu & her baby at SeaWorld

Harry Potter and the Failed FET

Last night, as I was reading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows at 2 AM on the couch,  I thought about the first time I read this book.  I went to the midnight release (wearing a custom T-shirt of course) at Borders with my new co-worker and her friends.   It was definitely the beginning of a great, if not a little geeky at times friendship.   The next day involved a family cook-out and another Harry Potter In addition it was the first, and only, night I stayed at Sean's apartment.  This was probably also the first time that he realized what a dork I was.   I had the new book in my hands and just had to read for a little bit as we were heading to bed.   Little did I know it would be echoed hundreds of times later in our relationship.   At this point in time, we were a fairly new couple with our entire futures in front of us.  (On a side note, it was the same weekend Sean asked me to be his girlfriend at a beautiful beach in Newport). 

Here we are about 4 years later and in a very different place.   We have another failed cycle.  We found out yesterday that our frozen embryo transfer didn't work.   Even though I felt from the beginning that this wouldn't work, it didn't stop it from hurting any less.  Every rational and irrational thought flew through my mind.  Did the embryo simply stop growing?   Does Millie still not want us to have kids?   Only 24 hours, a pedicure, a gel manicure and a six pack of Sam Summer later, I am ready to move on.  However we have to wait at least a month to do anything.   That is one of the horrible things about trying to concieve, even the best couple only has 12 opportunties a year to get pregnant.  A couple undergoing IVF may only have 4 or 5.  We have decided to go back to the RE we are currently at and see if he is willing to change our protocol.  I just can't take doing the same exact protocol (BCP, gonal-f, cetrotide, 3 day transfer) when it didn't work the first time.  I am hoping he will change at least one  variable, ideally making the 3 day transfer a 5 day transfer.  If he is unwilling, we are ready to seek a second opinion at another clinic.

Now I am just trying to keep myself busy.   On Saturday, Sean and I are leaving on a cruise.  Hopefully it would a great way for us to get away from all of this.  However before that I have one more tramatic event, going to see the final Harry Potter in theatres with the girls.  I can't believe it's the end.   This series is something that I hope to share with my future children, whenever they may come.   I had hoped to tell my oldest the story about how they were part of seeing the last movie with me.  As stupid as it sounds, it hurts that I am going this one alone.   Just one more wierd deadline that I gave myself.    I really wish the wand my brother gave me so lovingly was real, and I could just cast a spell that would make my pregnant.  Sadly I will have simply watch all my beloved Harry Potter characters grow up and send children of their own off to Hogwarts.  Hopefully my own story ends as happily as it does for Harry, Ginny, Ron and Hermione.

Almost there!

The wait between our embryo transfer and the pregnancy test is almost done.  I go tomorrow morning to have my blood drawn.  It is amazing how long 11 days can actually be.  I am normally a very patient person.  What is with the giggles?  Oh ok, I am super patient.  FINE, I'm not patient all.    I can't take few days between putting the wrapped presents under the tree and opening them Christmas morning.  How did I really think I could survive this week peacefully?  It doesn't happen.  As much as I try to keep my mind off it; I am contantly thinking and playing my favorite game:  what if?  What if I didn't rest enough?  What if this cramp is implantation?  What if the embryos feel out when we went over that speed bump (yes that thought has really gone through my head?  I guess I just enjoy driving myself crazy.

The emotions that go along with the wait are exacerbated by the drugs and hormones that I am on.   Both sets of drugs are said to "mimick pregnancy hormones".  Fun, right?  I have double the amount of pregnancy hormones of  a woman who is actually pregnant.   With these hormones, come all sorts of symptoms that come and go and come again.   It is enough to make anyone crazy.   While I wasn't very confident to start, some days I was confident that I was pregnant, other days I spent most of the day in tears thinking it didn't work. 

I have been trying to focus on other things to keep my mind off everything as much as possible (which isn't much).   However, even thinking of our vacation next week doesn't keep me totally positive.  Just like our trip to Disney last year, I planned this vacation with the thought that this would be our babymoon, our last vacation as a couple.  The thought that once again this might not be true is a little heart breaking.  I am desperately trying to stay positive, because I know this trip will be a blast either way.  However it is very hard.  

In addition to vacation planning,  I am working at a theatre camp.   It is a nice distraction trying to teach 28 third through fifth grades staging and dancing for their show on Friday.  However,  baby fears creep into this as well.  What if I never have a child to send to a camp?   Will next summer be yet another summer where we will be child free?  Is it even possible? 

Arg...I am just driving myself crazy.   In about 30 hours it will all be over, for better or for worse.  I can make that long, right?