This cycle I began so confident. This is exactly the protocol that gave me Olivia after 3 failed IUIs and failed IVFs. When I found out that we had 3 perfect frozen blastocysts, I was even more confident. Then it came closer to my testing time. I had none of the symptoms that I had when I was pregnant with Olivia. I still refused to test; I held out hope that it still could be positive.
I woke up Monday morning with a really split mind; I was 50% sure it work and 50% sure it failed. I got myself together and went in for my blood test. Luckily the nurse called me early to put me out of misery. The test was negative; I was not pregnant. The "perfect" protocol didn't work. The strong embryo that was transferred didn't work. There is no way of us knowing what went wrong. The embryo could have just arrested. The assisted hatching may not have fully worked. The uterine lining may not have been the right thickness. It just didn't work.
I was heart broken. This cycle was perfect for so many reasons. It put a lot of stress on my family to complete a fresh cycle. I was stressed and everyone else fed off that. This is not something I would want to go through again, so it had to work. This cycle would have given me an end of April baby, which is perfect for a teacher. My maternity leave would bring me to the end of school. I would have a full 8 weeks to bond with the new baby while Olivia was still in day care. Then I would get the summer to bond with both of them. We only did one frozen and one fresh cycle; this would be easy for us. This cycle was just supposed to be the one, and it wasn't.
I just felt numb but needed to keep it together as much as I could, especially around Olivia. She knew something was wrong even when I called my mother to tell her. They were in the car together and at hearing my voice, Olivia asked "Mommy what is wrong? Your voice sounds funny." There is no hiding anything from her. So I bottled up as much as I could, but it ended up coming out that night. I spent the night going through all the emotions that I hide away all day. I thought about the fact that we have an empty room that really has no purpose. I thought about the fact that Olivia needs a sibling. I thought about the fact our family isn't complete. I thought about the fact that so many people don't even come close to having to struggle with this. Why do we?
Then I started going through all the things I did wrong. I mean, there had to be something I did right? There was a strong living embryo transferred and something happened within my body that stopped it from becoming a child. Did I not enough healthy food? Should I have avoided eating ice cream and drinking cold water which cooled my uterus? Should I have worn socks all the time? Should I have done my mediation every night? Should I have eaten more orange foods after transfer? Should I have drank more pomegranate juice prior to transfer? Should I have tried not to get so stressed when Olivia was having temper tantrums? Should I have not allowed her to snuggle on me much? Should I have watched how I played with her? Honestly I know deep down that I have done nothing to cause this to happen. IVF is not a 100% guarantee of a pregnancy. It doesn't make me feel any less guilty and less out of control.
So where do we go from here? We have decided to go into one more frozen cycle before we take a break and revisit it all. We have chosen not to meet with the doctor again before the cycle. This appointment would push back the start date until next cycle which would give us a summer baby (sad that I really need to think about that). We also know what frozen cycle entails even though this time we are using a blastocyst not an embryo. Also what could the doctor possibly tell us? There is no reason why it's not working. If the next cycle doesn't work, I am going to ask for an appointment. There must be something else going on.
As soon as we get approval from insurance we will begin our frozen cycle. Because there is a new way of freezing the embryos, there is a much higher chance of survival and success rates are almost comparable to fresh cycle. The cycle will follow the same protocol as the previous cycles: baseline bloodwork, estrogen, ultrasound, progesterone. Simple. Hopefully this one works. It's getting very hard to have to keep failing when we keep getting lapped by others.
No comments:
Post a Comment