Since we had three frozen embryos, we decided to start with a Frozen Embryo Transfer because we already had the embryos and it was "easy". Well, easy compared to a fresh cycle; it's still a bitch compared to TTC naturally. A normal frozen cycle looks like this:
-Day 2 of cycle I go in for morning blood work (which for me is an hour away and constitutes a 5 AM wake up time)
-If things check out I star estrogen day and night (I took four mg each time).
-After four days, I go in for more morning blood work (another 5 AM wake up).
-About 10 days later, I go in for more morning blood work and ultrasound this time (another 5 AM wake up and missed work).
-The next day I begin progesterone injections (now those are a pain in the ass...literally) and 5 days of another medication.
-3-4 days after begin progesterone, I go in for the embryo transfer. This is a fairly easy procedure. The reproductive endocrinologist uses a catheter to transfer the embryo directly into my uterus. It takes them longer to test and set up than the actual transfer takes.
-About 10 days after the transfer, I go in for a pregnancy test. If it is positive, I continue taking estrogen and progesterone. If I'm not, I get to stop both.
Easy right? Only 3 morning monitoring appointments, about 225 pills and 14 injections. If it sounds like a lot you never had a fresh cycle completed.
While the cycle of itself was simple, one thing I didn't expect was the impact on my family. Because of the early morning appointments, Sean had to get Olivia up and drive her to day care. The day of the transfer and the day after I was on modified bed rest so I couldn't really play with her. My incredibly intuitive daughter noticed. At first she was obviously concerned. Every morning she would ask if mommy needed to go to the doctor again. After a few weeks, she started pulling away and connecting with Sean more. (I was also take a graduate class at this time, so it was another night I was away from her). At one point she told me, " I don't love you; you are never home." While I knew it wasn't true, it broke my heart. I didn't expect my journey to try to expand our family by one would affect the child we were lucky enough to have.
The other difficult thing about TTCA was having to deal with the negative result. Yup my first cycle ended with a BFN. Before Olivia, I could come home and crawl into bed with a glass of wine and throw myself a giant pity party. You can't do this with a 2 year old. I had to try to put on a good face at least until she went to bed. Having her snuggle next to me did help, but oddly it hurt at the same time. I no longer felt that I just failed Sean; I felt like I failed her as well. The what ifs came back. What if I couldn't give her a sibling? What if I spend so much time trying that I permanently damage our relationship?
We entered our first FET incredibly positively. This was the same group of embryos that gave us Olivia, so of course it would give us a second. I ended up taking a pregnancy test the morning of my blood test to help me prepare. It was negative; I was shocked but still slightly positive. Maybe it was a late implanter. No such luck.
We then moved right into a second FET with our last straw of embryos. Everything fell perfectly for this cycle. The mornings I needed to go in for AM monitoring all fell on days I have period 1 off, so I didn't feel rushed and I didn't need to find coverage. However the transfer fell right on the day of Sean's sister's wedding, but luckily we were able to push it back a day (one of the benefits of a frozen cycle versus a fresh). This did require us to hide away in a bathroom on the boat while Sean gave me my progesterone shot. I could've won most interesting wedding purse (3 needles, 5 pills, band aids, alcohol wipes). It also limited my wine intake to 1 glass (though I snuck a small second one). Honestly all the issues would be worth it if this cycle was successful.
We were optimistic heading back into Boston this morning (after leaving the city 10 hours earlier). The doctor came in with an update that we did not expect. Out of the 2 embryos frozen in the straw, one did not survive the thaw at all and one only had 1 cell remaining. This left us with a choice: we could cancel the transfer or take the chance (about 1-2% of success) of transferring the single cell. With a heavy heart we decided not to even attempt the transfer. I just couldn't put my body through the additional 10 days of medication for such low chances.
Out of the possibilities we thought of prior to the transfer, we never thought about this occurring. We were both pretty numb heading home, and thankfully Olivia was with my parents at a family party. It gave me time to begin to process the whole experience. I don't know why but this was harder to handle than the BFN from the previous cycle. Maybe it was because we didn't even get the chance to try. Maybe it was because this was our last frozen and we need to move on to a fresh cycle.
I need to call the doctor Monday to make an appointment to begin the insurance process and see what other testing we need. I can't believe we are back here. I honestly thought one of these two cycles would work. Timing would good with work. They would also allow us to keep our Disney trip next summer. Now that is back up in the air. If I'm too pregnant or the baby is too young, we will have to cancel. Again our quest to expand our family will impact the child we already have. There is nothing easy about this process no matter where you stand in it.
The other difficult thing about TTCA was having to deal with the negative result. Yup my first cycle ended with a BFN. Before Olivia, I could come home and crawl into bed with a glass of wine and throw myself a giant pity party. You can't do this with a 2 year old. I had to try to put on a good face at least until she went to bed. Having her snuggle next to me did help, but oddly it hurt at the same time. I no longer felt that I just failed Sean; I felt like I failed her as well. The what ifs came back. What if I couldn't give her a sibling? What if I spend so much time trying that I permanently damage our relationship?
We entered our first FET incredibly positively. This was the same group of embryos that gave us Olivia, so of course it would give us a second. I ended up taking a pregnancy test the morning of my blood test to help me prepare. It was negative; I was shocked but still slightly positive. Maybe it was a late implanter. No such luck.
We then moved right into a second FET with our last straw of embryos. Everything fell perfectly for this cycle. The mornings I needed to go in for AM monitoring all fell on days I have period 1 off, so I didn't feel rushed and I didn't need to find coverage. However the transfer fell right on the day of Sean's sister's wedding, but luckily we were able to push it back a day (one of the benefits of a frozen cycle versus a fresh). This did require us to hide away in a bathroom on the boat while Sean gave me my progesterone shot. I could've won most interesting wedding purse (3 needles, 5 pills, band aids, alcohol wipes). It also limited my wine intake to 1 glass (though I snuck a small second one). Honestly all the issues would be worth it if this cycle was successful.
We were optimistic heading back into Boston this morning (after leaving the city 10 hours earlier). The doctor came in with an update that we did not expect. Out of the 2 embryos frozen in the straw, one did not survive the thaw at all and one only had 1 cell remaining. This left us with a choice: we could cancel the transfer or take the chance (about 1-2% of success) of transferring the single cell. With a heavy heart we decided not to even attempt the transfer. I just couldn't put my body through the additional 10 days of medication for such low chances.
Out of the possibilities we thought of prior to the transfer, we never thought about this occurring. We were both pretty numb heading home, and thankfully Olivia was with my parents at a family party. It gave me time to begin to process the whole experience. I don't know why but this was harder to handle than the BFN from the previous cycle. Maybe it was because we didn't even get the chance to try. Maybe it was because this was our last frozen and we need to move on to a fresh cycle.
I need to call the doctor Monday to make an appointment to begin the insurance process and see what other testing we need. I can't believe we are back here. I honestly thought one of these two cycles would work. Timing would good with work. They would also allow us to keep our Disney trip next summer. Now that is back up in the air. If I'm too pregnant or the baby is too young, we will have to cancel. Again our quest to expand our family will impact the child we already have. There is nothing easy about this process no matter where you stand in it.
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