I know it has been quite a while since I last posted. Life has gotten quite crazy with work, a new home, and a very active toddler!
A few Olivia updates before I get to my journey. She was 2 this past October and is very smart and verbal. Her favorite thing right now is to ask us if we are her "friends". It's so adorable. She asked me the other day if we could go see her "friend Nana". We have also just converted her crib to a toddler bed because she became Houdini over the weekend. During her "naptime" on Monday, she escaped 15 times in under 10 minutes. That must be a record. I'm waiting to hear back from the Ellen Show and Guiness Book of World Records. She doesn't stop and I love it all. Even though I am normally exhausted and incredibly behind on work. (I should actually be correcting now, but what's another 20 essays or so on the pile). She is currently obsessed with the show Paw Patrol and takes her puppies most places with her. She knows all 5 (now 6) puppies by name and tag line. She's starting to really take to coloring and drawing and plays mostly with her easel she received for Christmas. She showed some interest in potty training, but then decided that having mommy or daddy change her diapers is a much better choice. We will readdress this in the summer!
As for us, we have made our appointment with the RE for March. Since we are now in a larger house with a yard (that children can actually play in...go figure!), we feel it's time to add to our family. Since we were diagnosed with unexplained, we have been trying the best we could though our faith that a "miracle" will happen is low. I'm excited to be moving forward, but I still have all the fears from the first time. What if this time something major is wrong? What if the three IVFs we have left do not work? What do we do then? I know I shouldn't be thinking this way, but I can't help it. I hate that we have to go through this process a 2nd time. Why can't we get the opps? What did we do to deserve this? I know the answer to that is nothing, but it still pops in. It is during this time period that my logical side stays at work and my emotions take over.
I honestly feel like we are reliving the time before I got pregnant with Liv. Yes I'm entirely grateful to have her, but it still feels as though something is missing. We aren't quite complete yet. Once again Facebook has become the enemy. Almost daily, I'm seeing pregnancy announcements from friends that have children around Olivia's age or younger. They are able to grow their family but we can't. I honestly didn't think I would feel this way the second time around and feel a little ashamed that I do. What about those people who don't get to have their "Olivia"? Shouldn't I be happy with what I have and not want more? Isn't that the "way" to happiness? I don't truly know, but I do know that some days the tears can't help but come and my heart can't help but drop at those announcement. Just the same as before. The only difference is now I hear a voice interrupting my tears. "Are you okay, Mommy? I kiss your booboo better?"
