Once an infertile, always an infertile

I know I haven't blogged in a while, but since it is National Infertility Awareness Week, I knew it was important that I did. 

I may be lucky enough to have my miracle baby sleeping in bed right now, but the memories and scares of infertility still run deep.  I have to be honest that I frequently fear that we will never be able to give Olivia a sibling.   I wonder if waiting until she gets a little is really a good idea.  What if it doesn't happen naturally?  What if we need to go to IVF and run out of insurance coverage?  Would I be able to handle the stress of an IVF cycle with a toddler?  Don't get me wrong, I love every single minute with her (even when she is screaming because she is so tired but she refuses to sleep); however, I feel a pang when I see a family with two kids or I see the new baby at daycare with her brother.  I know how hard I fought for Olivia and I know I would fight that hard for another, but do I have it in me?

The infertility also attacks when I see or hear of people who have an "oops" or it just happens easily.  I still have numerous friends who are struggling to add to their families, and one has gone through more heartbreak than anyone should have to.  Why are they still trying after all this time and it just happens for others? 

The one good thing about my infertility is that it has brought me some new friends.  When I started to struggle, I couldn't really connect with anyone in my real life, so I looked to online support boards.  From there I started meeting with a group of girls in my area who were also TTC.   All five of us had to have some sort of infertility treatment.   It was this that has helped us to become closer.  No matter how different we are, and we definitely have our differences, this one thing brings us closer more than any of those differences tear us apart.  By being open about my infertility, I have made even more connections.  As with anything else, it is important to talk with someone who knows what you are going through.  Women who have struggled to conceive just seem to have this bond.  We may not even really know each but we support each other in the hard times and celebrate each other in the good times. 

Infertility is something that still is taboo for many to talk about, and many people just don't fully understand how difficult this disease it.  To learn more about infertility, causes, treatments and ways to support those who are struggling with the disease, visit the RESOLVE, the national infertility association, website at http://www.resolve.org/. 

Happy Easter

As Olivia is napping (yes she is actually napping and not in my arms!!), I was thinking about the last few years.  This year I'm watching my lovely girl nap and waiting to give her her first Easter basket.  Last year, I was pregnant and excited about all the possibilities the year could bring.   The year before was a different story entirely.

We went to my aunt and uncle's to celebrate the holiday, even though neither Sean nor I felt like celebrating.   We planned on missing the annual Easter egg hunt for the kids because I knew I couldn't take that.  Well, that didn't work out as planned.  As the kids went out to collect eggs, I broke down thinking that I might never get to see my child going on an egg hunt.   Sean and I then spent the rest of the holiday at home and eating McDonalds (the only food we could find).

It's memories like this that allow me to really enjoy every possible second with my little girl.  Even when I'm trying to figure out exactly why she has decided not to sleep anymore (come one baby girl you sleep through the night twice last week why did you need to wake up 4 times last night??), I think about the feelings of loss and longing I felt for all those years and I'm thankful that I have her to wake me up.

Since the nap is over (a whole 40 minutes in the pack n play...score!!), I will wrap this up.  I promise to update on all her successes in the next few weeks when she turns 6 months!  How is that even possible?  Until all then I want you all to have a great holiday.  For my friends who are still struggling to come to the end of their IF journey, it will happen and when it does it will be the best thing that ever happened to you.

4 months already!?!

Here are some basics from month 3:
Weight: 12 pounds 4 ounces (25th percentile)
Length: 24.75 inches (50th percentile)
Still a peanut but growing nicely

Milestones:

• can hold her head up 
• can sit while assisted
• giggles (mostly at Daddy)
• vocalizes a lot
• grabs at toys
• puts EVERYTHING in her mouth

Firsts:

• music class with Meme
• trip to NH to go to Auntie Debbie's house
• cold :(
• snow day with Mommy

  Sleeping habits:
        After being transferred back to her bed after her cold (she slept in her rock n play), she was not the normally good sleeper that I knew she could be.  She fought the swaddle and was awake every hour or two, so we decided to throw the swaddle out and just deal with it.  We had about two weeks of 1-3 hour sleep sessions.  Thankfully we could quickly get her back to sleep fairly quickly.   However, near the end of her third month she was back to sleeping her normal long hours (8/9-3/4 and then down again until 6:30/7).   She is still waking up for one feed, but our goal is to try to get rid of that soon.
     Napping on the other hand is difficult for Mommy.  She sleeps fine at day care 2 naps of 1-2 hours and does the same for Grammy and Meme.  However for Mommy she only likes to nap being held.  Over two days, I can normally get one nap of any length in her crib.  She does nap nightly around 5/6 for like 45 minutes, but this one I normally snuggle her because the day away is just too long.
   

Eating habits:
   Olivia started this month eating about 3 ounces every 3 hours then one day she jumped up to eating 6 ounces every 3 hours.  This lasted for a few days; she was downing about 35 ounces+ a day.   Then she slowed down to 4-6 ounces every 3-4 hours.  The doctor would still like her to eat less frequently with more at each feeding but what can you do?

Some photos from this month:

3 Months

While my goal to record her accomplishments monthly has already failed.  I guess that is what happens when you have a baby who wants your constant attention when she's awake, who doesn't like to sleep and by the time she goes to bed at 9 you are exhausted and still need to shower.

Here are some basics from month 3:
Weight: 11 pounds 6  ounces (17th percentile)
Length: 24 inches (58th percentile)
My little girl is still a peanut!  These are my measurements so there definitely could be a margin for error here.

Milestones:

• can hold her head up fairly consistently
• can hold her chest up when on her tummy (that is when she's not screaming hysterical and banging her face on the floor because mommy is torturing her by putting her on her tummy)
• can pretty much get her fist into her mouth when she wants to
• smiles and giggles when spoken to and sometimes to toys
• can hit toys when they are put in front of her
• I'm not sure if this is a milestone, but she is losing her hair!

Firsts:

• Christmas
• New Year's Eve (she fell asleep by 9)
• sleeping through the night 1/5/13 9 pm-6 am
• days at day care and with Grammy and Meme

 Sleeping habits:
    She is still a good sleeper and often sleeps around 6-7 hours at a time.  Even though she goes to bed around 8 or 9 and wakes up between 2 and 4 she normally eats and goes back down for a few more hours.  She is napping a little better. She is still taking cat naps but her afternoon naps tend to be a couple hours.

Eating habits:
   She eats 3-4 ounces every 2.5-3 hours during the day.  She still takes her sweet ol' time when eating.  It is common for her to want to take a break and play before finishing a bottle.   Obviously she does not truly belong in this family; Sean and I have been known to go to a nice restaurant and have eaten and paid in under 45 minutes.   She also is very clear when she wants to continue eat and not be burped.

Some photos from this month: