TTCA is just as difficult as TTC the first time...only different

When we returned to this journey, I knew it would be trying, but I honestly thought it would be easier, physically and emotionally.  It is in some ways, but it is more difficult in ways I never expected.

Since we had three frozen embryos, we decided to start with a Frozen Embryo Transfer because we already had the embryos and it was "easy".  Well, easy compared to a fresh cycle; it's still a bitch compared to TTC naturally.  A normal frozen cycle looks like this:

     -Day 2 of cycle I go in for morning blood work (which for me is an hour away and constitutes a 5 AM wake up time)

    -If things check out I star estrogen day and night (I took four mg each time).  

    -After four days, I go in for more morning blood work (another 5 AM wake up).

    -About 10 days later, I go in for more morning blood work and ultrasound this time (another 5 AM wake up and missed work).

    -The next day I begin progesterone injections (now those are a pain in the ass...literally) and 5 days of another medication.

    -3-4 days after begin progesterone, I go in for the embryo transfer.  This is a fairly easy procedure.  The reproductive endocrinologist uses a catheter to transfer the embryo directly into my uterus.  It takes them longer to test and set up than the actual transfer takes.

   -About 10 days after the transfer, I go in for a pregnancy test.  If it is positive, I continue taking estrogen and progesterone.  If I'm not, I get to stop both.

Easy right?  Only 3 morning monitoring appointments, about 225 pills and 14 injections.  If it sounds like a lot you never had a fresh cycle completed.

While the cycle of itself was simple, one thing I didn't expect was the impact on my family.  Because of the early morning appointments, Sean had to get Olivia up and drive her to day care.   The day of the transfer and the day after I was on modified bed rest so I couldn't really play with her.  My incredibly intuitive daughter noticed.  At first she was obviously concerned.  Every morning she would ask if mommy needed to go to the doctor again.  After a few weeks, she started pulling away and connecting with Sean more.  (I was also take a graduate class at this time, so it was another night I was away from her).  At one point she told me, " I don't love you; you are never home."  While I knew it wasn't true, it broke my heart.  I didn't expect my journey to try to expand our family by one would affect the child we were lucky enough to have.

The other difficult thing about TTCA was having to deal with the negative result.  Yup my first cycle ended with a BFN.  Before Olivia, I could come home and crawl into bed with a glass of wine and throw myself a giant pity party.  You can't do this with a 2 year old.  I had to try to put on a good face at least until she went to bed.  Having her snuggle next to me did help, but oddly it hurt at the same time.  I no longer felt that I just failed Sean; I felt like I failed her as well.  The what ifs came back.  What if I couldn't give her a sibling?  What if I spend so much time trying that I permanently damage our relationship?

We entered our first FET incredibly positively.  This was the same group of embryos that gave us Olivia, so of course it would give us a second.   I ended up taking a pregnancy test the morning of my blood test to help me prepare.  It was negative; I was shocked but still slightly positive.  Maybe it was a late implanter. No such luck.

We then moved right into a second FET with our last straw of embryos.  Everything fell perfectly for this cycle.  The mornings I needed to go in for AM monitoring all fell on days I have period 1 off, so I didn't feel rushed and I didn't need to find coverage.  However the transfer fell right on the day of Sean's sister's wedding, but luckily we were able to push it back a day (one of the benefits of a frozen cycle versus a fresh).  This did require us to hide away in a bathroom on the boat while Sean gave me my progesterone shot.  I could've won most interesting wedding purse (3 needles, 5 pills, band aids, alcohol wipes).  It also limited my wine intake to 1 glass (though I snuck a small second one).  Honestly all the issues would be worth it if this cycle was successful.

We were optimistic heading back into Boston this morning (after leaving the city 10 hours earlier). The doctor came in with an update that we did not expect.  Out of the 2 embryos frozen in the straw, one did not survive the thaw at all and one only had 1 cell remaining.  This left us with a choice: we could cancel the transfer or take the chance (about 1-2% of success) of transferring the single cell.  With a heavy heart we decided not to even attempt the transfer.  I just couldn't put my body through the additional 10 days of medication for such low chances.

Out of the possibilities we thought of prior to the transfer, we never thought about this occurring.  We were both pretty numb heading home, and thankfully Olivia was with my parents at a family party.  It gave me time to begin to process the whole experience.  I don't know why but this was harder to handle than the BFN from the previous cycle.  Maybe it was because we didn't even get the chance to try. Maybe it was because this was our last frozen and we need to move on to a fresh cycle.

I need to call the doctor Monday to make an appointment to begin the insurance process and see what other testing we need.  I can't believe we are back here. I honestly thought one of these two cycles would work.  Timing would good with work.  They would also allow us to keep our Disney trip next summer.  Now that is back up in the air.  If I'm too pregnant or the baby is too young, we will have to cancel.  Again our quest to expand our family will impact the child we already have.  There is nothing easy about this process no matter where you stand in it.

And we're back in the game

 I know it has been quite a while since I last posted.  Life has gotten quite crazy with work, a new home, and a very active toddler!
   A few Olivia updates before I get to my journey.  She was 2 this past October and is very smart and verbal.  Her favorite thing right now is to ask us if we are her "friends".  It's so adorable.  She asked me the other day if we could go see her "friend Nana".  We have also just converted her crib to a toddler bed because she became Houdini over the weekend.  During her "naptime" on Monday, she escaped 15 times in under 10 minutes.  That must be a record.  I'm waiting to hear back from the Ellen Show and Guiness Book of World Records.  She doesn't stop and I love it all.  Even though I am normally exhausted and incredibly behind on work.  (I should actually be correcting now, but what's another 20 essays or so on the pile).  She is currently obsessed with the show Paw Patrol and takes her puppies most places with her.  She knows all 5 (now 6) puppies by name and tag line.  She's starting to really take to coloring and drawing and plays mostly with her easel she received for Christmas.  She showed some interest in potty training, but then decided that having mommy or daddy change her diapers is a much better choice.  We will readdress this in the summer!
    As for us, we have made our appointment with the RE for March.  Since we are now in a larger house with a yard (that children can actually play in...go figure!), we feel it's time to add to our family.   Since we were diagnosed with unexplained, we have been trying the best we could though our faith that a "miracle" will happen is low.  I'm excited to be moving forward, but I still have all the fears from the first time.  What if this time something major is wrong?  What if  the three IVFs we have left do not work?  What do we do then?  I know I shouldn't be thinking this way, but I can't help it.  I hate that we have to go through this process a 2nd time.  Why can't we get the opps?  What did we do to deserve this?  I know the answer to that is nothing, but it still pops in.  It is during this time period that my logical side stays at work and my emotions take over.
    I honestly feel like we are reliving the time before I got pregnant with Liv.  Yes I'm entirely grateful to have her, but it still feels as though something is missing.  We aren't quite complete yet.  Once again Facebook has become the enemy.  Almost daily, I'm seeing pregnancy announcements from friends that have children around Olivia's age or younger.  They are able to grow their family but we can't.  I honestly didn't think I would feel this way the second time around and feel a little ashamed that I do.  What about those people who don't get to have their "Olivia"?  Shouldn't I be happy with what I have and not want more?  Isn't that the "way" to happiness?  I don't truly know, but I do know that some days the tears can't help but come and my heart can't help but drop at those announcement.  Just the same as before.  The only difference is now I hear a voice interrupting my tears.  "Are you okay, Mommy?  I kiss your booboo better?"
 

Once an infertile, always an infertile

I know I haven't blogged in a while, but since it is National Infertility Awareness Week, I knew it was important that I did. 

I may be lucky enough to have my miracle baby sleeping in bed right now, but the memories and scares of infertility still run deep.  I have to be honest that I frequently fear that we will never be able to give Olivia a sibling.   I wonder if waiting until she gets a little is really a good idea.  What if it doesn't happen naturally?  What if we need to go to IVF and run out of insurance coverage?  Would I be able to handle the stress of an IVF cycle with a toddler?  Don't get me wrong, I love every single minute with her (even when she is screaming because she is so tired but she refuses to sleep); however, I feel a pang when I see a family with two kids or I see the new baby at daycare with her brother.  I know how hard I fought for Olivia and I know I would fight that hard for another, but do I have it in me?

The infertility also attacks when I see or hear of people who have an "oops" or it just happens easily.  I still have numerous friends who are struggling to add to their families, and one has gone through more heartbreak than anyone should have to.  Why are they still trying after all this time and it just happens for others? 

The one good thing about my infertility is that it has brought me some new friends.  When I started to struggle, I couldn't really connect with anyone in my real life, so I looked to online support boards.  From there I started meeting with a group of girls in my area who were also TTC.   All five of us had to have some sort of infertility treatment.   It was this that has helped us to become closer.  No matter how different we are, and we definitely have our differences, this one thing brings us closer more than any of those differences tear us apart.  By being open about my infertility, I have made even more connections.  As with anything else, it is important to talk with someone who knows what you are going through.  Women who have struggled to conceive just seem to have this bond.  We may not even really know each but we support each other in the hard times and celebrate each other in the good times. 

Infertility is something that still is taboo for many to talk about, and many people just don't fully understand how difficult this disease it.  To learn more about infertility, causes, treatments and ways to support those who are struggling with the disease, visit the RESOLVE, the national infertility association, website at http://www.resolve.org/. 

Happy Easter

As Olivia is napping (yes she is actually napping and not in my arms!!), I was thinking about the last few years.  This year I'm watching my lovely girl nap and waiting to give her her first Easter basket.  Last year, I was pregnant and excited about all the possibilities the year could bring.   The year before was a different story entirely.

We went to my aunt and uncle's to celebrate the holiday, even though neither Sean nor I felt like celebrating.   We planned on missing the annual Easter egg hunt for the kids because I knew I couldn't take that.  Well, that didn't work out as planned.  As the kids went out to collect eggs, I broke down thinking that I might never get to see my child going on an egg hunt.   Sean and I then spent the rest of the holiday at home and eating McDonalds (the only food we could find).

It's memories like this that allow me to really enjoy every possible second with my little girl.  Even when I'm trying to figure out exactly why she has decided not to sleep anymore (come one baby girl you sleep through the night twice last week why did you need to wake up 4 times last night??), I think about the feelings of loss and longing I felt for all those years and I'm thankful that I have her to wake me up.

Since the nap is over (a whole 40 minutes in the pack n play...score!!), I will wrap this up.  I promise to update on all her successes in the next few weeks when she turns 6 months!  How is that even possible?  Until all then I want you all to have a great holiday.  For my friends who are still struggling to come to the end of their IF journey, it will happen and when it does it will be the best thing that ever happened to you.

4 months already!?!

Here are some basics from month 3:
Weight: 12 pounds 4 ounces (25th percentile)
Length: 24.75 inches (50th percentile)
Still a peanut but growing nicely

Milestones:

• can hold her head up 
• can sit while assisted
• giggles (mostly at Daddy)
• vocalizes a lot
• grabs at toys
• puts EVERYTHING in her mouth

Firsts:

• music class with Meme
• trip to NH to go to Auntie Debbie's house
• cold :(
• snow day with Mommy

  Sleeping habits:
        After being transferred back to her bed after her cold (she slept in her rock n play), she was not the normally good sleeper that I knew she could be.  She fought the swaddle and was awake every hour or two, so we decided to throw the swaddle out and just deal with it.  We had about two weeks of 1-3 hour sleep sessions.  Thankfully we could quickly get her back to sleep fairly quickly.   However, near the end of her third month she was back to sleeping her normal long hours (8/9-3/4 and then down again until 6:30/7).   She is still waking up for one feed, but our goal is to try to get rid of that soon.
     Napping on the other hand is difficult for Mommy.  She sleeps fine at day care 2 naps of 1-2 hours and does the same for Grammy and Meme.  However for Mommy she only likes to nap being held.  Over two days, I can normally get one nap of any length in her crib.  She does nap nightly around 5/6 for like 45 minutes, but this one I normally snuggle her because the day away is just too long.
   

Eating habits:
   Olivia started this month eating about 3 ounces every 3 hours then one day she jumped up to eating 6 ounces every 3 hours.  This lasted for a few days; she was downing about 35 ounces+ a day.   Then she slowed down to 4-6 ounces every 3-4 hours.  The doctor would still like her to eat less frequently with more at each feeding but what can you do?

Some photos from this month:

3 Months

While my goal to record her accomplishments monthly has already failed.  I guess that is what happens when you have a baby who wants your constant attention when she's awake, who doesn't like to sleep and by the time she goes to bed at 9 you are exhausted and still need to shower.

Here are some basics from month 3:
Weight: 11 pounds 6  ounces (17th percentile)
Length: 24 inches (58th percentile)
My little girl is still a peanut!  These are my measurements so there definitely could be a margin for error here.

Milestones:

• can hold her head up fairly consistently
• can hold her chest up when on her tummy (that is when she's not screaming hysterical and banging her face on the floor because mommy is torturing her by putting her on her tummy)
• can pretty much get her fist into her mouth when she wants to
• smiles and giggles when spoken to and sometimes to toys
• can hit toys when they are put in front of her
• I'm not sure if this is a milestone, but she is losing her hair!

Firsts:

• Christmas
• New Year's Eve (she fell asleep by 9)
• sleeping through the night 1/5/13 9 pm-6 am
• days at day care and with Grammy and Meme

 Sleeping habits:
    She is still a good sleeper and often sleeps around 6-7 hours at a time.  Even though she goes to bed around 8 or 9 and wakes up between 2 and 4 she normally eats and goes back down for a few more hours.  She is napping a little better. She is still taking cat naps but her afternoon naps tend to be a couple hours.

Eating habits:
   She eats 3-4 ounces every 2.5-3 hours during the day.  She still takes her sweet ol' time when eating.  It is common for her to want to take a break and play before finishing a bottle.   Obviously she does not truly belong in this family; Sean and I have been known to go to a nice restaurant and have eaten and paid in under 45 minutes.   She also is very clear when she wants to continue eat and not be burped.

Some photos from this month:

1 month!

Olivia was 1 month old yesterday.  I can't believe the time has gone so fast. Each month I'm going to try to record some basic information about her to let everyone know, but also to help me remember this time.

Weight: 8 pounds 3.5 ounces (25th percentile)
Length: 21 inches (50th percentile)

Milestones: 

• can hold head up at 45 degree angle for a few seconds and at times can turn head from one side to the other side when on belly
• starting to vocalize, especially when looking in a mirror (she loves to look at herself)
• starting to really smile, especially at Mommy

Firsts:

• bath - October 25th 
• Halloween - dressed as Minnie Mouse
• Nor'easter & Hurricane

Sleeping habits:
    Most nights she sleeps well at 3-3.5 hour segments at the beginning of the night and slightly shorter as the night goes on.  Naps during the day last between 30 and 90 minutes normally.   When she starts to get over-tired, she likes to be swaddled and held.  Luckily I found a great white noise app because she also likes "shh-ing" sounds and I was losing my voice.  

Eating habits:
   She eats 2-3 ounces every 2-3 hours.  She averages about 2.5 ounce most often.  She is a fairly slow eater and I have attempted to put quicker nipples on the bottles, but she tends to drown herself then.  She also began a bad habit of wanting to eat an hour or so after a feeding and then only drinks .5 ounce or so.   According to the doctor she is just trying to soothe herself with the bottle and I need to break her of the habit of turning to food for comfort.  I guess I have to use the pacifier more often, even though I don't want her to become dependent on it.

At her appointment today, she had to get her 2nd hepatitis B shot.  She was already crying because she was just fussy, but as soon as the needle went in her cry went from just a fussy cry to a a real scream.  The poor little girl!  However she was quickly quieted when I picked her up and she got a lovely band-aid:

Right now, she is napping in her crib, which I was told I need to do more often to get her used to sleeping there. :(  Later we are heading to book club.  I need to get her literary before her father gets her hooked on movies.