The Christmas Music has Begun!

Over the last few days, I have actually started listening to Christmas music on a regular basis.  I will get to the reason for this change later.   Like all music, particular Christmas songs instantly bring back memories of times gone past.  Growing up in my household, it would not be uncommon to hear my dad singing Christmas songs, slightly out of tune, in the middle of a 90 degree day in July.  Once the holidays did roll around, all of neighbors, and probably most of Auburn, could hear my mother blasting Bon Jovi's "Please Come Home for Christmas".  I still cannot listen to that song without having to turn my radio up to full volume.  "White Christmas" instantly brings back memories of sitting with my parents and watching Holiday Inn and White Christmas.   These are still movies I watch, but now I'm sitting alone since I just can't quite convince Sean that these are quality Christmas movies.  Some songs bring more recent memories.   As much as I hate normal versions of "12 Days of Christmas", one will instantly bring me to laughter at the thoughts of Sean singing and dancing in the car with the song on repeat.   If you have a moment, check out Straight No Chaser's version of the song.  Definitely worth a listen.

This year songs that I have loved for years have a different meaning.   I do have to say I was quite shocked when tears came to my eyes as "All I want for Christmas is You" came on the radio.  No, it was not because it was the new Justin Beber version, which is an abomination in itself.  It was because for the first time in a while the words held some real meaning for me.  There is one thing that I want for Christmas, and it isn't the something sparkly that I will settle for from Sean; it is something that no one can give me.  It is the child that has been kept out of my grip from over two years.   The idea of another childless Christmas and the rather large possibility that next year may be similar easily brought me to tears.  It didn't help that the very next song was another of my favorites that suddenly had a much deeper meaning to me, "Blue Christmas".   In and of itself, this song is a sad song.  It is a Christmas song for all the rest of us, the ones who are lacking all the necessary pieces for a purely happy and celebratory holiday.  The people longing for family members who are either far away, not yet found or not yet born.  This year it seems to speak to me more than ever before.   "Decorations of red on a green Christmas tree/won't be the same dear, if you're not here with me".  Another Christmas without our completed family just doesn't feel complete or right.

With all this said, I do have a little hope to get us through the holidays.  No I don't plan on stealing a child in time to celebrate Christmas (though that is tempting at times).  We have been approved to start our next IVF this cycle.   It was definitely in limbo because of the holidays and the need with IVF to have blood draws and such occur on specific days.  If the hospital isn't open the day I needed the blood work, then the cycle would've been pushed off another month.  Luck was on my side this time; I need to get blood drawn on the 31st and the clinic is doing testing that day!  If everything goes well, I will be able to start my lupron injections on January 1st.  Worst case scenario, I would start one day later that week.  Either way a new year will equal a new chance and hopefully our last chance.  As much as I don't want to be too optimistic just to have my hopes slaughtered again, I am fairly confident that this change will work.  We are doing a new protocol, even though this includes about 5 weeks of daily shots, 10 if I get pregnant, about 2 of those include daily shots in the butt, and about 6 different side effect causing drugs. We have added assisted hatching, which helps the embryos break out of their shells and implant better.  We are going to one of the best women's clinics in the state.   It is with this hope that we approach the holiday and are attempting to take as much joy as we can, and when we can't take any more, there is always alcohol, which I'm allowed to drink until Jan. 1.  Here we go again!

It's the most wonderful time of the year

Isn't it?  That is what most people think, but for those dealing with loses, it is often the most difficult time of the year.   This year makes the third, yup third, Christmas season that we will not be getting the one thing we want more than anything else.  Yes, the Christmas season is a time to celebrate with family, and I'm beyond lucky to have such a good family, but even in the happiest of times, I feel as though something is missing.    This year it is something that I'm having a hard time getting past.  

Usually by this time, I have been listening to Christmas music 24/7 for at least two weeks.  The house is entirely decorated and I'm twitching with excitement to get our tree.   This year, the only time I listen to a Christmas song is when it comes on my Pandora and I'm too far away (or lazy) to skip it.   Our house is decorated, but it was done only in an attempt to try pull myself out of the dumps.  We are supposed to get our tree tomorrow and I really could do without it this year.   I really could do without all of it this year.  If I had my wish, the decorations would still be in storage and we would be heading out of town for the holidays.  However, this holiday isn't about me.  It is about my family, especially Sean.   He asked me to do a normal Christmas and that is what I'm going to do, whether it kills me or not. 

There is one saving grace, an early Christmas present you may say.   Our IVF got approved so we are ready to move forward.   It is questionable whether we will be able to start with this coming cycle or not.  The clinic has decided that its doctors and nurses need time off for the holidays and are closing a number of days around Christmas and New Years.    One nurse said it would definitely be possible which would give me a late January ER and ET, but my nurse says it will not be.   We will know in the next week or so, but if it can be done I will be pushed for it to be done.  Most likely we will have to start with the January cycle.  At least there is light at the end of the tunnel.  I may not be able to get my Christmas miracle, but maybe I will be able to get a Valentine's miracle.  Please? Pretty pleas?

Another Thanksgiving & Black Friday tears

My mother, my nana and I (and until she moved away my best friend Suzy) have a tradition that has occurred as long as I can remember: Black Friday shopping.  Now we are not those crazy people who line up at Best Buy by 6 on Thursday night (Sean and I drive by just to point and laugh at you) or even those that are up at 2 AM to get the sales.  We normally head on out around 10, do some shopping, grab some lunch, and finish up shopping.  It is a great day to spend together as three generations.  Two years ago, I spent much of the day shopping holding back tears.   Sean had thought it would be funny to tell me that he wasn't ready for kids, only about a month after we began trying.   I didn't know it was a joke until I got home from shopping (holding back tears for most of the day and letting them fall in dressing rooms, that doesn't count right?) and totally broke down.   Sean looked at me and said he was joking; he thought it was funny.  I mustn't have gotten the memo, because I didn't find it funny at all.   Last Black Friday the tears were still close, but I could keep them at bay because we had completed most of our IF testing and were waiting to start our first IUI cycle.   This of course meant that by next Black Friday our trip would have to be cut even shorter than usual for one of two reasons: I was shopping with a baby a few months old or I was very pregnant and would have gained too much weight to walk too much.  Well here we are 12 months later and I have gained a bit of weight, about 15 pounds to be exact, but there is no baby in sight.  We are once again back in the testing stage.   As much as I would like to think this Friday will be tearfree, I know the truth.   I may be able to hold out the tears long enough that my nana doesn't know I'm upset, but I know I won't keep them totally at bay and I know that I won't be able to hide my sadness from my mother.  Hopefully this is my last year feeling this way, but I honestly cannot think that this is an absolute.   We will be lucky if we can get an ER and ET in January, and I'm sorry but I am not super convinced this will work.   I wonder if I will be facing another year of Black Friday shopping with no baby in sight.   How would I handle that?  Where would my head be?

Of course, Black Friday shopping means Thanksgiving has passed.  As you can see I tried to ignore that fact completely.  We have decided to celebrate with my family, who are all very supportive, but that doesn't mean this is going to be easy.  It is one more holiday that I get to see my cousins' children enjoy knowing that mine should enjoying.   It is one more time that I have to sit and watch the Macy's parade alone.   I will have to share my excitement with my mother over the phone after every Broadway performance.  I can easily think of all the things that I'm not thankful for: our infertility, our insurance that just won't let us more forward, our last three lifetime chances to have children, the lack of support we get from some friends and family members, and most importantly, our lack of children to share all this with.  

With all these things in consideration, I have more things to be thankful for thank I can count.   Other than our infertility, Sean and I and our family are fairly healthy.   I'm lucky enough to be 28 and still have all four of grandparents living.  How many people can say that?   I'm thankful for my family and friends who are supportive.  I'm sure no one really wants to hear about Sean's urology appointment or my latest meeting with the dildo camera, but everyone listens and supports without judging.  I'm thankful for having insurance, even though it aggravates me.  We have paid less than $600 total for our first 3 IVF cycles.  If we were paying out of pocket, this would have cost us upwards of $120,000.  We would never had been able to take the chances. 

Most importantly I'm thankful for my husband.  He is one of the most supportive men that I know.  I frequently hear that husbands are leery about doing any testing for IF, but mine is willing to do whatever I ask him, though I do need to bribe him at times.   He finds way to make me laugh and smile when I'm crying and totally distraught.  He even ignores all the times that I have sat on the couch crying at something on television (really, Hallmark is it your goal in life to make me sob daily?).   Going though IVF is such a stressful process, that I know I wouldn't make it through one day if I didn't have his support.    

I said this last year and I know I will probably be saying it next year as well:  "I'm thankful that this is going to be the last Thanksgiving that we are childless."

Stuck in a holding pattern

Last time I wrote we were awaiting insurance approval.  Tufts was very prompt and denied us a few days later.  They requested that Sean does some more testing and I redo my day 3 testing because we have been doing this so long my original testing had expired.  To say I was frustrated is an understatement.  However, after thinking about it, I realized that this wasn't a tragedy.  Much of the testing the insurance has requested for Sean is testing that I had been asking for for months from our previous clinic.   Hopefully it will give us some more answers.

All this testing is pushing back our next IVF.   I have some testing that needs to be done this week or next; Sean has a doctor's appointment the week after Thanksgiving, so it will be mid-December before we get approval.  Then we have to do an IVF class and then we can begin our cycle.  I'm hoping that we can do the IVF class late in this upcoming cycle or early in the next, and then we can start near the end of the December cycle, which would put us for a January ER.  Worse case is starting in January with a February ER.  Both those months seem so far away, but really what can you do except keep busy.  That is exactly what I'm trying to do.  We spent most of weekend emptying our basement, so that we can remodel it and make a great family space.  It is amazing how much stuff we have collected in just a few years.  I spent much of the time looking through old photos and dance medals.  It was a great trip down memory lane.

On a slightly different note, last weekend Sean and I went to the RESOLVE of NE conference to get some information on adoption.   A few good things came out of that weekend.   1) We were by far the youngest in the adoption seminars.   Most people were in their mid- to late 30s and have done at least 5 IVF cycles.   I have begun thinking that maybe I could handle more than one more if necessary.  2) My blog entry (Infertility is...) won the blog contest!   We had just finished eating lunch and the head of the organization was giving some volunteer awards and then the blog award.  All of a sudden she starting reading my blog.  I was shocked!   Sean actually was out of the room and missed it.    Not only will my entry be published on their website and in the winter newsletter, but I also won a Circle + Bloom IVF/IUI mind and body program (I really wanted one for my next cycle) and an IVF companion planner.   Sean now is convinced that I should write a book about our experience.  Who knows maybe that is how I will pass the next few months?

How to handle infertile couples

I found this on another blog.  It is a fantastic explanation of how to comfort and support infertile couples.  I recommend you all take a moment to read it.  It is well written.
Here's What Infertile Couples Want

Infertility is...

In this week's  Resolve of New England member email, I noticed a blog contest.  The title "Infertility is..." reminded me so much of an assignment I asked my students to complete that I had to write about it.   During our poetry study, I ask the students to write abstract to concrete poems.  They need to take an abstract concept like happiness, friendship or confusion and create a poem using concrete examples of these ideas.   Well I'm not going to write a poem, because I care way too much for all you to make you read it, but I do want to write on the idea.  I have to say that this comparison came from a friend on an infertility board, but since she brought it up, I cannot picture infertility any other way.

Infertility is...winter.  It may come on slow, a few flakes on an October day, or it may hit you all as once, a nor'easter that follows a day of warmth.  No matter how it starts, winter quickly begins to drag.  The long nights and cold short days often make it incredibly difficult to stay positive.  It isn't long before you begin wondering if you will ever get to feel the warm sun on your body again.  However, deep in your heart, you know that spring will come, followed by summer.  The problem is you truly know when the cold and snow will be gone.   Will Mr. Groundhog give you relief and make spring come early, or will he enjoy the torture and run and hide, keeping winter longer. 

Sean and I were lucky in that we were able to hold out hope for many months that our winter would never come.  There were snowflakes of warning here and there, but we both hoped we could bypass that darkness.  But as every New Englander knows, you cannot avoid the cold and snow.  It will come and there is nothing you can do about it.   When we started testing and treatment, it was all new and slightly exciting.  Every treatment gave me hope that this would be an enjoyable and quick process, but even snow days get old after a while.  At this point, we are in depths of winters.  The snow is burying us.  The roads are icy.   The nights are long and cold.   No amount of warmth can take the chill fully out.  All that being said, I still hold out hope that the end of our winter is out there; I just don't know exactly how we will find it.  Hopefully we can wait out this winter right where we are, but if we need to make a change and move we will do it.  There will be an end to our winter, but exactly where we will be when it ends, I do not know.   We are waiting for insurance approval for another (most likely our last) IVF which can hopefully occur, or at least begin, before the end of the year.   We are also signed up to go to an infertility & adoption conference in about a week to get all the information we might need on adoption.   At this point in time, I am really unsure about how our journey will end, but it will end and our summer will begin.

I want to leave you all with my new favorite quote.  I carry it around in my wallet with me; I repeat it at least once a day.  It truly keeps me going.  I hope you can find inspiration from it as well.
"The moment you think about giving up, think of the reason why you held on for so long."

This post is part of the Infertility Is Blog Contest sponsored by RESOLVE of New England. You can find links to all of the submissions online at their website. For more information about RESOLVE of New England, like them on Facebook or follow them on Twitter.

A change has been made

On Monday, Sean and I traveled to Gillete to get our second opinion.   We left feeling incredibly confident in this new doctor.   She had some of the same adjustments that our RE recommending, including assisted hatching.  However, she had some bigger changes, including a new IVF protocol (Lupron) and a new progesterone (probably progesterone in oil).   Yes both of these changes mean more shots, but they were the changes in protocol that I have been begging for.  She also wants me to have another ultrasound to take a look at my uterus.  When I first went in to make sure my tubes were open, they noticed a slight abnormal shape in my uterus, which they then said was fine with a regular ultrasound.  She says that it is very difficult to tell irregularites from a regular ultrasound and recommends a saline ultrasound (fill your uterus with saline and then ultrasound), which I have also been asking for.   The only other change she would make is changing our diagnosis to mild male factor, something else I was confident about.

Overall I have to say meeting went well.  We had wanted to celebrate with a great meal at Gillete, but we were both still full from breakfast which we had eaten on the way down.  Instead we did a bit of shopping and then headed home.  During the ride home, we spent a lot of time talking about what to do next.  We both agreed that we wanted to go to with her, even if our current RE agreed to everything she recommended.  Let's be honest he has had six cycles to get it right and hasn't come close.  Would any of you give you doctor that many changes if you were seriously sick?  I don't think so.   I called Brigham & Women's the next day and made an appointment for Monday the 22nd.  Hopefully this can start out all necessary testing, so we can get started in a month or so.

You would think this would give me so much more confidence, but it doesn't.  Each day I wake up less confident that we will be able to have a child.   It really sucks that one thing that we both want so much is the one thing we can't have.  I try to put on a good act, but I spend so much of my time alone upset and in tears.  I am sure it doesn't help that this time of the year is so very hard for any infertile.   Almost any store I go into, I am bombarded by Halloween decorations and candy.  It is one more year that I will not be able to bring my child around.   Then after Halloween it all goes downhill.  Thanksgiving and then Christmas.  For Thanksgiving, we are trying to figure out which family will be the easiest to be with.  Which will make the fewer comments?  Which will be less child-centric?   Christmas is even worse.   Sean and I are truely considering leaving for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day and really just pretend the days don't exist.  I don't know if this will truely be easier, but it definitely will be one less holiday where we wake up to only our cats.   Ahh I don't even want to think about it.

One week and then we can get started hopefully on the right path.